Monthly Archives: June 2009

Now you're just Riberying me.

He's ready for his close-up

Have you heard any good jokes lately? No? How about this one? “Arsenal Set To Make £40m Franck Ribery Bid – Reports.”

LOL

Yeah, ok, let’s just assume that Arsenal are going to bid £40m, which, according to Bayern manager Uli Hoeness, is £60m short of his valuation and would get us just a leg. Even if we did bid £40m, BAYERN AREN’T SELLING, so this is a non-story and you have to wonder where it came from.

Wait, what if there is something to this story? If we could get Frank Ribery’s right leg for £40m and sew it onto Eboue, we could make a Frankeneboue! Then the boss could say that Eboue’s “like a new signing” and he could say to everyone that “Arsenal develop players, we do not just buy them.”

And then Wenger would sign Karim Benzema, 3 new goalkeepers, Fat Ronaldo, Felipe Melo AND Lorik Cana, steal E’to’o from City, and get Micah Richards and Brede Hangeland, and possibly bring in Xavi Hernandez and David Villa! All this after selling Frankeneboue for £75m, Adebayor for £93m, Bentdner for £6,999 (like a used car, get it???), Eduardo for a free transfer, and Theo Walgod for £1.2billion.

RIGHT???

That settles it, I’m changing the name of the summer transfer period from “interlull” to “interlol.”

InterLOL, wait this is serious

With Adebayor looking closer to AC Milan than ever before, now that Dzeko is off the table and Sevilla is asking £30m for Fabiano, it looks like Wenger might actually end up with the resources to buy Felipe Melo.  Last I heard, Fiorentina want £21m for Melo, which is more than Arsene was willing to pay last year for Alonso, but that Fiorentina are willing to accept Senderos as a makeweight in the deal. So, with the £15m or so Arsenal will get from Adebayor, a Senderos, and maybe even a little cash, we might be able to prise Melo from Fiorentina.

More importantly, this story is starting to look like it has some smoke to it: Melo reportedly asked former Arsenal skipper Gilberto what he thought of Arsenal. As in “hey, I’m thinking about transferring to Arsenal, should I?”

Well…

Gio said “yes absolutely” which is a bit of a surprise seeing how he was treated in his last year, but then simultaneously not a surprise since Gio has always been a class act and clearly still loves Arsenal.

What makes me feel better about the whole thing is that Gio also thinks Melo would be good for Arsenal. Each time I’ve watched him he hasn’t looked that impressive but if Gilberto says

He is exactly what they need – a powerful player with quality. If they got him it would be great because he is a player they need at the moment. I’m sure if they got him it would be a good signing. I have told him Arsenal is a great club and I am sure next season they will improve.

then I have no choice but to trust Gilberto. He was a top notch midfielder for Arsenal and he knows exactly what it takes to win trophies in the Premier League. If anyone in this world knows if Felipe Melo is ready to partner Cesc Fabregas at Arsenal and help win a trophy it’s Gilberto Silva.

So, I officially say “bring ‘em on.”

Or Cana…

The other player that has been on everyone’s hit list is combative Albanian midfielder, Lorik Cana. His club officially said that he’s for sale and immediately Spuds made a bid. The link above says that Arsene tried to bring him over for a trial when he was younger but were denied a work visa, with him now firmly ensconced in the Albanian team the whole visa thing might work out easier. Though, I’m no expert on the British work visa rules.

Arsenal can offer Champions League football a great salary and a host of world class players, he’d be a fool to chose them over us.

Also, then he’d be a cunt, and we wouldn’t want him anyway!

Usmanov’s Millions

Just when you think it’s safe, Alisher Usmanov reminds us that he has his grubby little fingers all over our club. This time is no different than the last time he cropped up: he wants us all to make a deal with the devil and do a “rights issue” that would “generate” “£100m.”

The details of Usmanov’s proposal are unknown and will be discussed by the board this week but from what I’ve read the basic idea is to issue additional stock and generate fresh investment. Of course, Red and White are saying that this money could be used for transfers (that’s the devil’s bargain) and Gazidis is saying that the board will not do a stock offer and blow the money on transfers (hey, maybe THAT’s where the Ribery story came from!).

Either way, I trust the board on this one. It’s pretty clear that they are openly hostile to Usmanov’s attempts to use Arsenal as his personal piggy bank and will rebuff any proposal that would help him consolidate power. The board is committed to growing Arsenal the old fashioned way and while you might disagree with that because it means you have to forgo the instant gratification of spending big and buying  trophies it’s the only sensible long term plan.

Personally, I plan on passing Arsenal on to my daughter and if Usmanov had his way, I suspect that would be impossible.

If you're going to lie, lie big.

First off, I hope this morning’s 3rd place Vuvuzela consolation cup match finds you well. It doesn’t find Cesc Fabregas well, or maybe it does find him well and he’s just not playing because his international manager is mad at him. I dunno, either way, there isn’t much to say about this game since there aren’t any Arsenal players on the pitch.

I do want to mention one thing: those Vuvuzela’s that everyone is suddenly talking about are not new. I distinctly remember them annoying me to no end during the 2006 World Cup and they are a mainstay at any MLS game. They are not new, in fact, I have railed about these things for years.  Standing at a match and making mindless noise is not “support” it’s anti-supporting  because they actually destroy the ability of other fans to support from the stands. The constant insufferable droning makes it impossible to chant a player’s name and thus to boost him, to cheer when your squad does something good, to boo opposition players, and they disrupt on-field communication between your own team!

Symbolically the fact that they sound like a pack of angry bees is perfect because if you’re sitting in the stands blowing one of those things then you are a mindless drone. If FIFA learns one thing from this pointless tournament, let it be that the Vuvuzela should be banned from all stadiums the world over.

How to make shiat up: 101

No sooner had the ink dried on my “hey let’s make shiat up” column yesterday than the links started coming in fast from a press brigade eager to show a small timer like me how it’s really done.

The News of the World said “I see your Tim Sparv and raise you a Karim Benzema!” Now, I know a lot of folks wish that this was a true story. Benzema is one of those players who occupies that rarefied air of “X-Box Heroes” — a player who pretty much everyone building a fantasy team first reaches for. But the brilliance of this story is that it hinges on another story and it’s a story that I’m not sure will come to pass; that Arsenal will use the funds from the sale of Adebayor to Milan to fund the purchase of Benzema.

First off, AC Milan is only talking up Adebayor because they want to sign Dzeko and have so far been unsuccessful in their attempts to get Wolfsburg to the negotiating table. Second, if Adebayor and Benzema cost the same, and Adebayor is Milan’s 3rd choice target why would Milan not just buy Benzema? By all accounts he’s a better player, he’s younger, and he’s almost certainly had fewer disciplinary problems.

No, this Adebayor/Benzema talk is just talk.  HA! And now Real Madrid is involved, there’s no way he’s coming to Arsenal. Either way, that’s some world class “making shiat up” right there.

Right, that’s about it for today. I’m going to try to have a kickaround at 10:30 and then maybe watch a tape of the U.S.A. v. Brazil game — you know, a lazy Sunday.

See you tomorrow!

We're entering another dimension…

There’s nothing going on today.

The 3rd place match for the most important trophy in the history of world sport won’t kick off until 5:30am PST tomorrow and the finals won’t be until 11am PST so I’m stuck here trolling the internet for rumor, innuendo, hell, even something made up would be nice. Unfortunately, it’s dead out there. Well, there’s a one paragraph interview with Arsene Wenger on L’Equipe (in French) in which he gives a world exclusive insight into the “Arsenal way.” Uhhh, basically, he says that he didn’t go to Real Madrid because Arsenal are entering another dimension, where time stands still, door open, and Arsenal win a Champions League trophy with a bunch of teenagers.

It’s really fantastic.

Meanwhile, anyone who has been linked to Arsenal pretty much ever is now saying that they won’t be coming in. Yaya signed a 1 year extension with Barca which should stave off the Yaya to Arsenal speculation at least until January. I updated the Players who didn’t sign for Arsenal page, don’t make me edit it again!

Felipe Melo is the other oft speculated about player and his agent is saying that he’s happy at Fiorentino, which is good because I don’t want the bugger. Well, I’ll take anyone that Arsene signs, but I haven’t seen anything special from him… yet.  I’ll be watching him play against the USA tomorrow (if he gets a start, his teammates were pissed at him the other day) and I’ll write about the final match on Monday. Meanwhile, tomorrow’s blog will be a recap of the 3rd place match — if Cesc plays.

Like I said, there’s not much going on today, so in the time honored tradition of all “reporters” I’m going to make shiat up!

Taking a page from Wenger’s entering another dimension, today’s made up story is part fantasy, part reality, and it’s called “Who should Arsene Wenger buy from the U21 tournament?”

Basically, we all know that Wenger isn’t going to buy experience. We also know that he’s looking for a bargain. So, who better to pick up than some kids who shine at the U21s?

You’re traveling through another dimension — a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That’s a signpost up ahead: your next stop: the u21  Zone!

Tim Sparv: Solid defensive midfielder who has shown leadership qualities as the Finnish U21 captain. He’s also almost 2 meters tall and showed great promise in the air when he scored a header for Finland against England in their 2-1 loss. Tim Sparv is also reportedly a “good boy” which Wenger prizes highly, and he speaks impeccable English having been a roommate with Theo Walcott at Sothhampton.  Throw in the fact that he’s out of contract with his club Halmstad and he could be lured to Arsenal for dirt cheap.  Chance of this happening? 11/10, a no name youthful player, who hasn’t been linked to Arsenal in the press? This is a done deal!

Marco Andreolli: What? You mean you’ve never head of him either? He’s a tallish, solid Italian defender who has good heading instincts. He’s formed a relatively effective partnership in defense for Italy and caught the eye of many scouts. He’s currently on loan to Roma and isn’t getting much playing time behind their starting lineup. Chance of this happening? 3/10, he’s got many of the qualities that Arsene looks for but he’s Italian and I don’t remember the last time an Italian came to Arsenal.

Fabrice Muamba: Muamba’s the kind of player that one day has a great game and the next he struggles. Over the last few matches for England, however, he’s been massively impressive earning man of the match plaudits from his coach (he didn’t win them from the awarders though!). Though he may lack the passing range that Arsene is looking for there is no doubt that his tackling and heading would add a ton of steel to our young team. Chance of this happening? 5/10. Wenger has maintained for like 100 years that he’s never going to re-buy a player he let go, which would normally mean this is a 1/10, but Wenger has the capacity to surprise some times and I could honestly see him bringing Muamba in.

So, there you go, I made some stuff up. What do you all think? Who has impressed you this summer? Make some stuff up youself below — it’s fun!