Thanks to British Petroleum’s oil spill in the gulf of Mexico phrases like saw and cap, top kill, top hat, hot tap, and junk shot have entered everyday American speech in order to illustrate a person’s effort to plug a hole in anything that is leaking. It goes a little something like this:
Hunter: Hey Todd I have this oozing boil on my ass, what should I do, dude?
Todd: Saw and cap that shit, dude!
Beyond the obvious fact that all Americans are named Todd, Hunter, Cooper, Taylor or any other name that used to describe what someone did for a living and the fact that every spoken sentence in the USA must end with “dude,” the point is that plugging a seeping hole is something that Americans have a great deal of experience with as of late and a subject in which I feel confident lending my advice to both Spain and Great Britain. This is why I can confidently state that someone needs to junk shot Xavi Hernandes’ gaping maw.
Changing tacks a bit, I don’t think the bard would mind a little “junk shot” humor, one of the central themes of several Shakespearean plays is the notion of hubris. Othello, ostensibly the main character in the eponymous play, is easily manipulated by Iago due to his hubris; his excessive pride, his arrogance, allows the sociopathic Iago to push his boss to murder and ultimately suicide. Hubris is always a tragic condition, then, something that great men suffer and should be cautious not to catch.
Then it is that perhaps feeling the highs of winning the World Cup with his country at the end of a season in which his club were dumped out of the Champions League by the old evil in Jose Mourinho, the Copa del Rey to 4th place Sevilla, and now realizing that his beloved club cannot force the fire sale of one of the greatest assets in world football, Xavi Hernandes’ hubris leads him to state:
We’ve given up on the idea of (Cesc) arriving now, but maybe he’ll come in January when Arsenal are out of the Premier League title race. Their team are just not competitive. Arsenal are wrong to have forced him to remain there, they can’t just hold him against his will.
Oh, Proverbs, how thy truth doth ring.
This little motherfucking pipsqueak is at a club which is perhaps at the pinnacle of their powers and who spent 5 years rebuilding themselves in order to get to this pinnacle and here he is passing judgment on a club like Arsenal? A club who have just been through not just a rebuilding process but a building process — where they went from a facility built in 1913 that seats 38,000 to one built in 2006 that seats 60,000 — all the while not borrowing on the future and hoping that the English government would bail them out later. Meanwhile, Barcelona are awash in debt from their rebuilding process. Sure Spain might bail them out but Spain itself is suffering from a depression and bailing out giant sports teams might not even be an option. Not only that, but on the sporting side there is now an absolute direct threat from their most hated rival who just hired their most hated rival manager, Jose Mourinho. And he has the temerity to talk about what Arsenal’s season will be like? This isn’t just pride or arrogance, this is pure hubris and I will delight in watching him and his club fall.
What Xavi should be worried about is how his club are going after Mesut Ozil and Javier Mascherano as replacements for both him and Cesc. Surely the fact that they are actively bidding on Ozil, combined with the ignominious bid that Farça put in for Cesc, and Pep Guardiola’s statements about turning Cesc into a backup for Busquets, means that Cesc is seen surplus to requirements at Barcelona? And just as surely this means that Cesc will be finishing his contract at Arsenal, leaving Xavi always the bridesmaid.
In the end, the idea of Cesc leaving in January to join a club like Barcelona is almost laughable, unless you are of the mind that these fuckers are smart enough to sign Ozil and Mascherano in order to use them as makeweights when they launch a January bid. In that case, Arsenal might want to get serious about signing our own players to ensure that we aren’t out of the title race by January. Tantalizingly, Shay Given has opened the door to coming to Arsenal if City refuse him playing time. There’s one of our men who will show that Arsenal are serious right there; add him and a center back and no one can say that Arsenal didn’t try. Hell, most would tip us for the title I’d have to think, but more on that in the season preview. For the time being we don’t need to sign anything, we need to get the engineers from BP to organize a junk shot, this Xavi blowout has gotten out of control.
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Oh please let there be an Arsenal-Farca in UCL semis!
Whoa man, that was an EPIC rant.
I’m starting to think Xavi doth protest too much…
I’d take Given in a heartbeat, but i wouldn’t bet on it. Mancini seemed pretty damn happy to have a backup of that quality, and as Arsenal have just shown it’s not enough to have a buyer and a willing player. And it’s not like they desperately need the money.
Xavi has gone from being one my most respected players outside of Arsenal to one of the most hated. I wish I could shove a vuvuzela down his throat.
August 10th, 2010 at 11:25 am
@nycgunner, Recently in a Daily Mirror article it was mentioned that the great Brazilian Garrincha lost his virginity to a goat at the age of 14. As fuc’d up tabloid as Mirror is, they missed the more illuminating fact that Xavi, in fact, was the byproduct of it.
Xavi talks are like that someone has seperated his wife from him and not allowing him to smell her ***
August 11th, 2010 at 9:30 am
@Bala, You leave John Terry out of this! LOL
you forgot to add that they made mind-boggling losses of E70MM+ last year. Buying their way to success. Yep, that’s something Xavi can be proud of.
this motherfucker needs to shut his fucking mouth…
is this guy in love with cesc?? i think he is gay.
what the fuck dude! you need to concetrate on your fucking farca team…FUCK!
Here I was going into last year really wanting to see Madrid fall on its face. Somehow Xavi’s made it really easy for me to now want Madrid to nip them. If Barca goes off and gets Mascherano and Ozil, I’d really worry about Cesc if he’d still want to go to Barca to ride the bench.
As for the Given thing, I was forseeing some months back that Man City would have this dilemma. Yeah, they don’t need the money obviously. But they also don’t need to have a pissy backup goalkeeper infecting the positive mood of a locker room. They’ve already got Adebuywhore for that. At this point, though, you have to think that whoever we buy, if anyone, between now and Sunday won’t be playing. So basically pick your team from who’s here today.
Goalkeeper and CB aside, what would you guys think of taking Pienaar off Everton’s hands before August 31? Not sure about you, but I think he’d fit in incredibly well playing with Song and would provide great experience, energy and a little nastiness even.
August 10th, 2010 at 10:43 am
@ArseChicago, Wouldnt he be more of a winger player in our system?
August 10th, 2010 at 10:47 am
Probably. I guess I could see him playing the role Denilson played last year.
xavi xavi xavi thanks for telling arsene what has transpired between cesc and yourself and what millions of arsenal fans already know. Cesc needs qualty around him defensively anyway what is the point in having a player of cesc quality when the defense ships goals like theres a monsoon on the way. Arsene should get his act together and get us a keeper, a bastard defender and holding midfielder in the mould of felipe melo then the likes of xavi will shut up. How do we know this facts spouted by xavi are not the thoughts of cesc, attack wise we are fine, but we need someone alongside song, topclass defender and a world class keeper
Is anyone else wondering when Mancini is going to announce his squad? They have a lot of players they need to sell in the meantime, and I don’t think it would look very good to have 7-8 good players who are not even in the team on the payroll…
Nigel de Jong or Vincent Kompany would be brilliant. Even Lescott might be decent if you give him a change of scenery.
August 10th, 2010 at 10:59 am
I’ve seen speculation about Kompany and Bellamy being left out in the cold, but not Lescott or DeJong. At this point, I’d take Lescott, but City didn’t really splash on a replacement for him. Plus, I believe he’s homegrown which makes him valuable for them. That’s probably the only reason they’ll keep Richards, too.
August 10th, 2010 at 11:09 am
OMG NO. Lescott is shit. Right there is a prime example of a player once matched perfectly to a manager (Moyes), who then leaves and falls apart, revealing what rubbish he truly is. Wenger is not the guy to revitalize Worf. Maybe SAF could do it, Moyes could certainly do it, but not LeBoss.
August 10th, 2010 at 11:12 am
He probably makes too much anyway. At this point, we just need someone with a heartbeat at centre back. Which still rules out someone like Silvestre.
Top Notch Rant, i bet this idiot would be the one holding the pales of water when Jose is doing his dance on the pitch.
I dont think we can buy anyone from everton or villa because they demand too much money for their players.I think ashley young will come to arsenal if we made a bid for him,bcos his younger brother is with us
August 10th, 2010 at 11:02 am
This is Pienaar’s last year on his contract so Everton doesn’t have the leverage they have with someone like a Jagielka.
Given or Hart for that matter, is not going to happen for the simple reason that Man City doesn’t have a back up keeper. Can anyone name their third keeper? Mancini has already learnt his lesson last year when had to bribe FA to allow them to take Marton Fulop on loan. I don’t think he is going to commit the same mistake again.
Mark Schwarzer looks to me like a more realistic prospect. Though I don’t have any idea who their backup keeper is, but still, it’s only Fulham!!
August 10th, 2010 at 11:01 am
We’ve got 2 backup keepers. They can take Almunia or Fabianski, whichever they want. Or both even.
August 10th, 2010 at 11:17 am
Mancini has said he wants two world class players for every position. Can we all stop dreaming of Shay Given? He’s not coming. Especially not to a team that Man Cini may be challenging for a champions league spot. They’re going to keep both Hart and Given.
WE ARE NOT GETTING A NEW KEEPER. Read and weep.
I know this will sound harsh, but Wenger has failed the faithful this off-season. You cannot say the club has money to spend, and then fail to spend money on the one flagrantly lacking area of the team – goalkeeper. I applaud his commitment to our current roster… I think the outfield players are capable of challenging, even if the defense is a little lightweight for my tastes. But he has failed to find a Top 4 keeper to compliment a Top 4 team. He has failed.
And – what the fuck with all the injuries? No Cesc? No RVP? Denilson, Diaby and Song? We haven’t even played a single serious game yet, and we are down key players.
Liverpool 2 – Arsenal 1
Not the way to start.
August 10th, 2010 at 11:18 am
Well, now that you’re employing all caps, I’ve lost all hope.
August 10th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
@Brahmabull,
ya i agree. its a joke, i’ve been saying it for 3 weeks. everyday that passes i find myself getting more annoyed with the situation. we’re going to anfield first day of the season and we could have almunia in goal, no 1st choice centre midfielder and only 1 fit striker.
the only conclusion is that wenger is completely blind and incompetent and his stubborness is killing us. and he has let us down yet again
August 10th, 2010 at 1:58 pm
We won at Anfield with Almunia and we can do it again. Our chances would be better most likely with a different GK and maybe another CB, but I still like our chances Sunday. We’ve got some very dynamic young talent still surrounded by some immensely talented veterans.
Every single Arsenal fan knows we need a new GK and CB, but what can we do about it, other than lament this everyday? I believe Arsene’s out there looking, but with no great success at the moment. We’re certainly not the only big club out there in the world not getting what we want or need this offseason. So the question is to all Arsenal fans – do you have faith, albeit with some questions, or are you doubters? Count me in the former camp.
August 10th, 2010 at 2:16 pm
@ArseChicago,
No! I don’t have faith indeed. Wilshere will be with the England National pigs and who knows if he will be jaded? My only hope is Walcott puts in some good crosses to let Chamakh nick a goal.
My only hope is Eboue…
We wont enjoy a good start. I am looking forward to
a draw…at Anfield, as Liverpool dont have much of a striking force–only Gerrard, Cole and Kuyt…
August 11th, 2010 at 6:36 am
@ArseChicago,
In fairness if i remember that game correctly Liverpool should have been out of sight by half time. Then the glen johnson own goal flattened a mentally fragile side.
they wont be mentally fragile this weekend. a quality new manager, some new quality players and a committed torres and gerrard. a deal very close to replace the yanks in charge. they’re a different proposition and a lot more confident and there’s a different vibe coming out of anfield.
i dont fancy our chances without cesc and song in the middle of the park. but yes almunia might have a good game, and maybe koscielny or djourou will get the job done. but what use is that if we don’t sign players and almunia inevitably starts fucking up again in september and october. what happens if djourou and vermalaen pick up injuries. and how can you see anything different happening against united or chelsea when the only change in our team is likely to be koscielny instead of gallas.
i hate being negative i really do. but i invest alot of money in arsenal. but more importantly i put my heart and soul into this team. i can accept them losing but if we lose because our manager chooses to ignore deficiency’s that we’ve had 3 months to address then i’m pissed off. i found the manner in which we lost to united and chelsea last year very hard to take.
we’re the third richest club in the world, people pay huge chunks of their salaries for season tickets. for wenger to let 4 centre backs go, only sign one and then not sign a keeper is just a slap in the face for those fans.
we’ve made a profit on players over the last 5 years. there is no excuses anymore why we cant sign players.
and then he tells us believe in this team and we can win the league. i’m sorry but no we can’t. he hasn’t made the changes needed and we’ll being going through the same old excuses next april
I made ashley young comment just for fun bcos we really dont need him.Friedel anyone ?
August 10th, 2010 at 11:04 am
@Bala, Is it Brad Friedel you’re talking about or his grandson! He is older than David Seaman.
the first two paragraphs are excellent.
I think Friedel is same age as schwarzer or a year older and i dont think age is a big problem for goalies because they aren’t to going to run around for the full match
any idea how many days has it been since Xavi has been leaking words and polluting Arsenal fan’s ears? Although I believe that a top kill has been ordered and goes by the name of Mourinho but it can’t be deployed until end of November so in the meantime any other suggestions will be welcome. A demon like curse would be most diserable
the article i read said xavi made those comments to the daily star. now i know he’s a little midget prick but i have my doubts about the authenticity of those comments if they claim to have given the interview. unless someone can provide a spanish source
August 10th, 2010 at 11:55 am
@Chief Gooner,
did a little more research on those comments by xavi. apparently he made them to tuttomercato. the italian version of goal or caughtoffside. those comments are definitely fake
XAVI IS GAY
August 10th, 2010 at 11:55 am
The footage of the Spanish team celebrating their Euro victory in the locker room afterwards would confirm that – Xavi is in his underwear, soaked with champagne, and… and I didn’t look too closely grant you… but I think he was sporting some wood. Definitely gay.
Youtube the clip. It is kind of thing makes my hockey lovin’ buds cringe when they see.
August 10th, 2010 at 4:46 pm
You c*nt! I just Googled “Xavi erection” and was greeted with this most horrific search results. NO ONE SEARCH FOR THIS.
I don’t think those comments by Xavi are real. In fact I don’t think that he has made one comment regarding Cesc. Why would he talk to the Media, while on vacation, when this all started? Puyol has already said on his official blog that his “comments” to the British press were made up. 100% of it is made up. I think we should not be basing our anger at Xavi, who I don’t think has done any wrong, but at the British media who make us so mad at something that is made up?
August 10th, 2010 at 12:38 pm
@Flippy, I suppose pujol putting a barca shirt over cesc was fake too. Damn you british media, conjurer of fake images.
Really enjoyed that. Great writing, in fact I’d say lovely.
Thanks.
How do you measure persons intteligent qoutient?definately the way they react to the excegence of the moment.Considering this you will know Xavi is a deluded moron that his brain cells a so tiny compare to ants,and looking at his statements vividly you will conclude with me that even as small as those brain cells of his are,they also nueronticaly work inversely propotional to human brain cells.So why should you think such a person will say anything sensible ever,absolutely impossible.
Only a fool makes noise in the market at night when everyone was gone home to sleep,definately there will be nobody to listen,that is Xavi for you.Cesc said he is staying case close,but Xavi is still shouting at night in the market when everyone has gone to sleep.
Xavi is a deranged individual and i beleive Cesc knew this.
I hereby knight you as second best Arsenal blog in the world and the only one worth reading after Arseblog. A man who knows his Shakespeare and loves Arsenal makes a very intelligent point.
Now, my opinion: who cares what Xavi says? He looks like an ape. And no amount of money or glimpses of Cesc’s sack in the shower can change that.
i would be intersted to see the actual comments in spanish. i am not sticking up for xavi – far from it, as he has had more than his say on our football club and our captain. yet this latest “outburst”, coming after the matter had been settled for now, smells of the english media adding some inflammatory material to what were probably less-than-complimentary remarks, perhaps in order to keep the story alive. could be wrong, but i would not be surprised if xavi’s actual remarks were sexed-up to wind arsenal support up even more than before. it’s working…
Looks like Real are signing a 32 yr old. Why is it that we gunners worry when there’s talk of us signing a 29 yr old? Agreed Carvalho has won a lot, but a 32 yr old is a 32 yr old, Better 29 than 32.
I think a “top kill” might be the only thing that will shut that asshole up.
Here’s what we need to do with Xavi, even if Ziva is a hardcore Hapoel Tel Aviv ultra: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXVEE4x49qI
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