The word “fiction” comes from the Latin root “fictio” which in turn came from the word “fingere” which originally meant something shaped or made out of clay. We tend to think of fiction as a novel written mostly out of the imagination but the original meaning, as you can see, is much subtler; creating the same cup out of clay over and over again, with just small manipulations, is more in line with the root of the word. Small manipulations, then, are closer to the original definition of “fiction” that are the grandiose creations we tend to think of when the word is invoked.
In the average Arsenal press conference, everyone has a role. The press, you, me, Arsene Wenger all play our part in this exchange: I’m the wheel, Wenger’s the clay, you’re the consumer, and the press are the fingers which shape the clay. Importantly, the consumer’s feedback is crucial to how the press mold the clay. If you all don’t like the story, you tell them to make it different and they oblige. But, and this is critical, the press only really know how to make a few things. Oh sure, they can make you a cup but it’s only ever variations on a theme. The themes with Arsene Wenger and Arsenal are: Arsene Whinger’s plate, the Foreign Legion bowl, a Kiddie Cup, the Beautiful Football vase, and a Chipped Title Hopes pencil holder.
So, to produce an Arsene Whinger’s plate, they simply take a press conference where Wenger is highly complimentary of the opposition, decontextualize a quote like “Arsenal dominated” and form that into a nice plate. If you all buy it, they will then make another design and call it a Limited Edition Arsene Whinger’s plate and see if you’ll buy that as well. Last I heard they sold out of the Martin O’Neill Limited Edition, but never fear they have a Michael Ballack edition ready to hit, an Ancelotti Edition and they might even re-fire the old Sir Alex Ferguson Edition. That’s always a big seller.
The Foreign Legion bowl is a big seller around international breaks. The Kiddie Cup is an old stand by and is trotted out whenever Arsenal disrespect either the Carling or FA Cups by playing a full team plus some young players. The Beautiful Football vase is exquisite to look at but it breaks easily, so why exactly you all keep buying that I don’t know. And the Chipped Title Hopes pencil holder has been so successful, it is now on it’s second run with rumors that they might re-run the limited edition Arsenal Drop Out of The Top Four placard which completes the desk set.
This year, they have come out with a special matching set of all of the above items and have even thrown in a few new pieces such as the Arsenal Have No Money To Spend On Transfers Alisher Usmanov bust, the Why Didn’t Arsene Buy Anyone When Arsenal Clearly Needed a (this is a 5 piece set with Striker, Left-Back, Center-Half, Goal Keeper, and Imposing Hard Man all needed to complete the set) coffee mug, and if you act now there’s a bonus gift which is a tee-shirt that says I Bought the Press Hype Dinner Set and all I Got Was This Lousy Tee-Shirt.
Amazingly, it seems that this set is a huge seller and they might even sell completely out with nearly every Arsenal fan wringing their hands over whether they will get one before production stops.
Me?
I’m happy with my This is One Hell of an Arsenal Team Who are Competing for Two Leagues so Fuck the Press pajama set that I made for myself. Sure, it’s not all shiny and new, it’s worn around the edges, and it’s almost 6 years old, but it’s comfortable and keeps me warm at night. And I used the money I saved to secure seats to the Arsenal v. Porto match, which is something that will last a whole lot longer than some crappy Telegraph Chipped Title Hopes pencil holder.
Exactly.
Metaphors galore sir and very used indeed. A thoroughly enjoyable read.
*well used.
Superbatron
Way too subtle for the semi-literate, lobotomised morons who it seems have inherited the earth, or at least the Arsenal related blogosphere. As you rightly point out, time and again they are wound up and pointed in a given direction by a media which has already preformed its arguments and largely written what passes for analysis and match reports for the whole season by late August, thus ensuring they don’t have to bother their tiny minds with anything difficult like thinking or originality.
When did it become a failure not to win the league? 1 team can win it. 19 don’t. This is made all the more difficult when several teams are allowed to spend way beyond their means and are bailed out by what are euphemisticaly called “Sugar Daddies” but whose motives are largely unclear. Why does a man who has made billions out others misery in the crumbling USSR find it attractive to pour money down the drain at Chelsea? Altruism? Well why not invest in a Russian club? Philanthropy? Well why not spend hundreds of milions on schools or hospitals in your homeland? One thing is clear. Nobody ever grew up poor in Western Siberia thinking “one day I’m going to be rich and buy Chelsea Football Club”. Still, rather than poke around in something interesting, the media busies itself with tittle tattle, having fun moulding the thoughts and actions of a supine public, too stupid to think for themselves……
February 9th, 2010 at 7:42 am
@clockendrider, I had a frequent commenter go apoplectic over the notion that we were “second losers” if we came in 3rd.
I tend to think of 3rd place in terms of “not having to play in that stupid qualifying match against lower division teams like Celtic.” But hey, that’s me the “wild-eyed optimist”
Tim,
This has to be your best post ever!
I am a Portsmouth based Gooner. I am surrounded by Pompey fans who would constantly crow about having won the FA Cup 2 years ago. Now they would all exchange having won that particular piece of silverware and the ephemeral ‘glory’ that went with it, for a guarantee of permanent mid table mediocrity in the Premiership (a la Fulham). OK, so we haven’t won a trophy since 15/05/05 but I’d much rather our constant top four placing than buy glory at any cost (or should that be ‘Death or Glory’?). So, yes, let’s put purselves in hock and buy big and buy all the short term glory that we believe we have a divine right to as one of the ‘big four’ and in 3 to 4 years time let’s all do a Leeds – you don’t think that couldn’t happen..? (Be careful what you wish for…)
Brilliant post! Really funny, and so very true.
Wow, fantastic stuffs!
Absolutely amazing.
Really great article. Very good.
Excellent post! Thanks for providing a place to enjoy reasonable thought and to actually enjoy the Arsenal even in heavy disappointment.
I’ve got tix for Burnley and Porto as well. Can now rest easy about my first trip out there after a few years in the making. Hope to see u out there.
February 9th, 2010 at 7:44 am
@gsco, I’ll be in block 19 for both matches. If you send me a email to 7amkickoff at that gmail dot com thing, I’ll be glad to meet up and share a pint.
February 9th, 2010 at 8:18 am
@Tim, Sounds good. I am in upper level (113 and 116) Struggled to get lower level with needing two tix. Had wanted to do one game in each level but no luck. Either way, I am just happy to have tix.
Why is everyone talking about winning cups or finishing like Leeds? Don’t get me wrong, being able to compete in CL every year and finishing third or fourth IS a something worth applauding, and I congratulate Wenger on that, although I have a suspicion next year we will have to do much more to finish third or fourth. It’s just that I don’t see how getting Huntelaar or whoever on loan or buying someone, even Chamakh for 15 millions now, would send us crashing into the third division. Nobody said we should be buying Ronaldo for gazillion dollars, but being able to pick up the best girl in the bar when all you need is to buy her a drink, and by not doing so, you allow Didier Drogba to grab her by the hair and dump her in the trunk just because he bought a new Ferrari is an insult and a missed occasion.
OK, maybe I went too far with the metaphors, inspired by Tim’s post, but I can’t feel satisfied with another season for the wrong reasons.
By the way, Tim, a truly remarkable post, you come up with a true short masterpiece once a week.
brilllliant post mate, y cant all the other blogs write like u?
all of em shouting for wenger’s throat, its just driving me mad!
I thought “fingere” was related to the “finger” that the press tries to put in certain body hole.
As my Grandaughter would say, “Go Tim! Go Tim!! Go Tim!!!”. The best is yet to come. Grrrrrr8 One!
This was truly a brilliantly original post. Very astute with just the right amount of acerbic wit thrown in for good measure.
The weight of the criticism from all manner of sources (O’Neill, pundits, Arsenal blogoshere, the man on the street, the guy that used to cut Wenger’s hair, Wenger’s butcher, baker and candle stick maker, and now Ballack) and yet to his credit Wenger stands strong in his principles. Now on the Home Shopping Network comes James Lawton’s redesigned Wenger has lost the plot doilies that should match up well with your coffee mugs: http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/news-and-comment/james-lawton-arrogant-wenger-has-lost-the-plot-in-his-quest-for-perfect-football-1893366.html
Today Avram Grant cracked under the pressure he’s been facing at Pompey. Wenger hasn’t cracked because he has his belief. Do we believe? Tim believes. Many here believe. I believe. The players had better believe.
I want to leave all of with this thought. Wenger is our Warren Buffet.
February 9th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
@ctpa, correction:…all of you with…
Thanks for cheering me up.
[...] have ever seen from the press toward Arsene Wenger and it’s the main reason why I penned the Get your limited edition Chipped Title Hopes pencil holder now! article [...]