How Arsenal won the 2010/2011 Premier League, Jessie Venture posts from the future

Hello truth seekers.

I’ve just returned from a top secret mission into the future and while I know you’re all just dying to hear what happens with the Kolo Toure drug rap and the Ashley Cole shooting incident both of those have ties to my mission and I’m not at liberty to discuss them. Put it this way, the guns and drugs are the least of their problems.

According to our metrics no one will read this column and thus betting patterns will remain unaffected and so what I am allowed to tell you is not only that Arsenal won the Premier League title in 2011, shocking the sensibilities of the opinion makers in the press, but I can tell you how they won it match by match.

Now, before you ask I have to tell you that it’s not a DeLorean that you use to time travel — that is just silly Hollywood make-believe. No, it’s a Prius.

After extensive studies on the effect of driving a Prius our scientists discovered that the normal Prius has a time dilating effect. You know how when you’re driving one they are so gods awful, slow, and tedious that you feel like time has slowed down? That’s not just a feeling, that is a scientific fact; time slows down when you drive a Prius. Now, if you modify the electric engine in a way that I can’t tell you, then drive the Prius in reverse you can actually travel forward in time.

But you didn’t come here for the lecture on the relative time dilation effect of the Toyota Prius, you came here to get information on how Arsenal won the Premier League and where you should place your bets this season.

I think it’s March 4th right now and Arsenal are in 2nd place having played 27 matches, right? Right. Let me just get my bearings, time travel can be a bitch. I think we’re at the point in the season where Manchester United have played 28 and just lost to Chelsea, after which their manager had an ironic temper tantrum and called out the referee for not giving United every single call. He’s charged by the FA and after that he will go into Mubarak media lockdown and refuse to give interviews to anyone on any topic.

Of course, for throwing the toys out of the pram the FA just fine him and give him a 1 match touch-line ban but it’s the refusal to speak to the press that actually gets their goat far more than the interviews he actually gave. Things start to unravel for United this weekend when they lose a second game in a row this time to Liverpool.

Never underestimate the hatred that a true Scouse like Kenny Dalglish has for Man U. Down 1-0 at half time, Kenny whips the whole of Liverpool into a frenzy with a rousing speech that’s carried live over the radio. Liverpool come out and smash United 3-1 and Dalglish’s legend is re-born.

March 4th MiniLeague table, United is winning, oh no.

This is the place where the title race is blown open, because Arsenal beat Sunderland handily for the first time in years. Handing an injury depleted black cats a 4-0 hiding at the Emirates which not only puts Arsenal just one point behind United, more importantly, it gives Arsenal a superior goal differential and just two goals shy of the Goals For category.

Bet you didn’t know that. As it sits today both Arsenal and Man U have allowed the exact same number of goals; 27. I told Man U they should have bought Gary Cahill in January, after all you can’t win a Premier League title without an English center half.

The next week Bolton give United a nice game, by which I mean a 2-0 win, and Arsenal get revenge over West Brom with a 2-0 of their own. Then there’s an international break and miraculously no one gets hurt for Arsenal and even more miraculously some Man U players are allowed to play for their national sides. Still, everyone comes home healthy.

Arsenal then beat Blackburn and Blackpool 3-1 and 3-0 respectively. While United beat West Ham and Full Ham 2-1 and 2-0 respectively.

Going in to the game on the 17th, Arsenal are buyoed by the fact that Newcastle held United to a 0-0 draw the day before and eek a strange 1-0 win over Liverpool at the Emirates. It’s strange only because Arsenal don’t normally beat a Northern team when Howard Webb is referee. Arsenal are top of the table on 71 points, have a +42 GD, and a superior goals scored number of 70 to United’s 69.

In the mid-week replay, Arsenal can only manage a 2-2 draw away to Tottenham and now our game in hand advantage has evaporated. Still, Arsenal are two points clear of United at the top of the table and just 5 games left in the season. The big game is going to have to be Arsenal v. United, just as you always knew it would. Both Arsenal and United finish April with wins as United beat Everton 2-0 and Arsenal beat Bolton 2-1.

The big game comes and of course, Mike Dean is the referee. 2-1 win to United over Arsenal. They are back in the lead and all the papers are filled with headlines that Arsenal’s season is over. The Arsenal blogosphere erupts with headlines saying “Wenger Out, Nasri Out, Cesc Out, Denilson Out, Koscielny Out, ENGLISHMEN ONLY IN.” All these hysterics for nothing because Tim writes a blog explaining that the season isn’t over and United are only one point ahead. He uses the word “fucktards.”

Man U play Chelsea at Old Trafford the next week and despite Howard Webb awarding United two penalties, 7 minutes of added time,  and sending off both Essien and Cech, Chelsea shock the world as Torres scores and they win  2-1. Sir Alex of Baconface writes an op-ed column the next day decrying the state of English refereeing and calling for Howard Webb to be pilloried. Not metaphorically pilloried, but actually hung up in the center of Manchester on a pillory.

Unfortunately, Arsenal can’t capitalize and only manage a 1-1 draw at Stoke City. I say unfortunately, because Arsenal are top of the table but only by dint of their superior goal difference and United get to play both Blackburn and Blackpool to finish the season while Arsenal have to play Villa and Full Ham.

United beat Blackpool 3-0 and go into the last day of the season on 79 points, having scored 77 goals and with a +42 goal differential. Arsenal pillage Villa for 5 goals and have 79 points, 81 goals, and a +47 goal differential. This sets up the most thrilling of final days the Premier League have ever seen. Neither United or Arsenal can lose either game. Neither Blackpool nor Fulham can lose either game as they are still in the relegation zone.

In the first half, Blackpool are crushed 3-0 and Arsenal have not managed a real shot on goal and are level 0-0. After the 75th minute United are up 5-0 and cruising. Arsenal have allowed a Hangeland header and are down 1-0. United score a sixth goal and the title race is looking over. But then a miracle happens. Arsenal score to get back in. Then an own goal and Arsenal are down 2-1. There are just five minutes of regular time left and Arsenal score a second to pull level. In the dying minutes, the city of Manchester are preparing the open top bus tour when the fourth official, Lee Probert, flashes 6 minutes of added time.

Arsenal score in the 95th minute, win the game 3-2. They are level on points with United at 82. They are equal on goal differential at +48. But Arsenal win the 2011 Premier League title because they scored 84 goals and United only scored 83.

Bet on it.

32 thoughts on “How Arsenal won the 2010/2011 Premier League, Jessie Venture posts from the future

  1. Vote -1 Vote +1Uncle Mike

    Pretty good story, except for three things: We WILL beat The Scum, we WILL beat The Devil’s Own United, and while Kenny Dalglish is a true Liverpool legend, maybe the greatest, he is not Scouse, he is Scottish.

  2. Vote -1 Vote +1esm

    Jessie-
    Will we also win the FA Cup, and at least draw with Barca to advance in the Champs League?

  3. +2 Vote -1 Vote +1Akash

    Hehe.. Jessie could you please edit the future so that we beat ManU (in both the league as well as in the FA)..

  4. Vote -1 Vote +1feygooner

    And the papers won’t say “Cesc out”, they’ll say “Cesc doesn’t have the heart of an Englishmen; let’s make Wilshere captain of Arsenal, The English national Team, Arsenal Reserves, Celtic, Burnley and Real Madrid”

  5. Vote -1 Vote +1Notoverthehill

    The Scots have a saying that someone (male) is a “Big Jessie”!!! Think “sissy” and you have the essence.

    Cannabis, anyone?

  6. Vote -1 Vote +1Joe

    Another flaw in which no-one seems to have spotted is that the author of this blog said “I told Man U they should have bought Gary Cahill in January, after all you can’t win a Premier League title without an English center half.” Obviously not realising that we ourselves do not have an English centre half and United do have one in Smalling. Also we are beating the scum and united!!!

  7. Vote -1 Vote +1GoonerNC

    I nearly had a heart attack just reading this. If Jesse’s right and I have to watch it with my own eyes… well… at least you’ll know I went happily.

  8. +1 Vote -1 Vote +1Dan

    “Tim writes a blog explaining that the season isn’t over and United are only one point ahead. He uses the word “fucktards.””
    Genius! :) :) :)

  9. Vote -1 Vote +1Mannix

    I wish this story happens to be true but only the Almighty God is the knower of the future. N’way,let us pray & curse away ths Angel of darkness who always finishes Arsenal with untimely injuries. Only injuries can stand btwn us & the titles.

  10. +1 Vote -1 Vote +1London Calling & Overseas

    Tim: What can I say except for “Forever Amen” to your future forward? You have a remarkable imagination and it provokes people to write good things about you on this blog… I love the blog today. What drama if the season really ended like this… I think a few Arsenal supporters would have heart attacks and such like, as the anticipation would be too much for them. I personally would not be able to cope if it mapped out like you articulate above. For as the season drew closer to its finale; my personal stability would be questioned by my family. They just about dealt with me last Sunday evening following our Cup Final loss.

    But at least your forewarned us… so let’s enjoy the ride.

    However until……. God knows…… It’s Madis Gras on the island for the next four days…. I will be legless by Sunday and the true Carnival activity starts on Monday through Tuesday midnight…. I may be gone for a while, with the possibility of a being found in comatose state somewhere on a volcanic beach washed ashore, surrounded by rum and coconut water punch bowls. The coast guard is on 24/7 duty.

    So until then…. Come on you Red & White. Nasri I read what you said, Chamakh Baby! It’s your turn, no pressure and Diaby its time to play football young man and the Emirates supporters…. Match On… Match On… Match On…Match On. UP THE ARSE… Laters!

    1. Vote -1 Vote +1London Calling & Overseas

      @London Calling & Overseas, See! It’s started already… the alcoholic induced amnesia of the written word, so many typing errors in my above submission. It should read; the possibility of my body being discovered in a comatose state…etc etc etc… I’m stopping now… Come you Arsenal… Oops finally… Toure… I love you just the way you are… CHUNKY, tall and not to bright and thank you for being a great servant for the Arsenal. Diet Pills… they could kill you son. Lol

    2. Vote -1 Vote +1Caribkid

      I have done quite a bit of astral travelling in my time induced by rum and coconut water, both past and future.

      Who needs a Prius when the almighty rum reigns supreme :)

      I have fond memories of being 20 years old and waking up with my head propped up by a wooden utility pole on the Savannah in Trinidad during the heat of Mardi Gras -Carnival. After shaking the sleep from my eyes and washing my face at a “Stand-pipe”, I was fully aroused by a spectator who offered to shared his goat skin filled what else, “Rum and coconut water”.

      Loved the damn thing since.

    1. +1 Vote -1 Vote +1GunnerArchitect

      @7amkickoff jesse is amazing… so is the next post going to be from “Tim-from-the-hood” ?

  11. Pingback:

    Vote -1 Vote +1Black Cats and Bad Omens « Arsenalia Blog

  12. Vote -1 Vote +1eleanor

    Who the hell knows what’s going to happen.

    If Fabregas is able to play against B*rca we have a chance. If we lose, then our fixture list isn’t so congested.

    If Fabregas and Song play against MU in the FA Cup we have a really good chance of progressing. If we don’t then we’ve just 10 more matches until the end of the season. All in the Premier League.

    By the beginning of April, after the international break, all our big names should be back: Cesc, Robin, Theo … maybe even TV5 … With only one midweek game (against Sp*rs) we could then field our first team every single match.

    We wouldn’t be able to do this if we were still in the Champions’ League and FA Cup.

    Our most difficult Premier League matches are against Sp*rs away and Man U at the Emirates – both of whom could still be in the Champions’ League playing midweek matches. And Man U could also still be in the FA Cup. So, we’d be fielding far stronger sides than they could.

    The probability is that if we go out against B*rca we’d PROBABLY will win the League.

    If we then go out against Man U in the FA Cup we WILL win the league!

    And yes, winning all three is a possibility, but that has to be the LEAST LIKELY outcome.

    Remember, if we get to both FA Cup and Champions’ League finals we will be playing an extra SEVEN more matches … plus possible FA Cup replays and extra time in both competitions. That will take its toll, especially with Man U then playing less.

    Of course, we’ll take each match as it comes. And right now our most difficult one is against Sunderland because the Premier League is our best chance of silverware this season.

    After that, as I say … who knows.

  13. -2 Vote -1 Vote +1Arsenalistul

    Nice dream man……………….have you seen Squillaci playing against LO?
    I’m sorry, but with the injuries we have there is no way to bypass the shortcomings of the manager, especially when he is content with a CL place like always.

  14. Vote -1 Vote +1Connollysagent

    Jessie, don’t you know that by coming back to the past, you’ve altered events to the point where a football season’s reports are now unpredictable????? It’s the butterfly effect, and because of you, we’ve just lost the Premier League again!!!!!!

    Wenger out!!!!!!

  15. Vote -1 Vote +1Vinay

    If this happens, i will come and fall at your feet wherever you stay,i dont care how we win as long as we win the league, nothing else matters. How about one more scenario-graham poll would be officiating the last game and he awards a penalty in the 93rd minute, which results in Arsenal winning the league over manu via goal difference of1 goal more scored.

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