Wondergoals, break-even, Tom Landry, Dear Mr. Jones, Walcott, The Mighty Quinn, TTV, Szymanski on FFP, and a New Tab, are what I have open in Chrome this morning.
All of these tabs are just questions that I have.
How many wonder goals have Tottenham scored against Arsenal in the last few meetings? Danny Rose scored one, right? That rat-faced chav scored one in a League Cup match, right? Were there more that I missed? Are all their goals wonder goals, or is this something I imagined?
This Premier League break even thing. Why am I just now reading about this? I’ve heard it mentioned in passing but never took it seriously. After all, how seriously can one take a rule that is agreed to by every club, except Fulham? Any “break even” rule looking to regulate club finances in the Premier League that is agreed to by Chelsea, who just published financial accounts showing a profit that is about as real as Tom Cruise’s marriage, cannot possible be taken seriously. Where is the debate on this rule? Where are the accountants? What does Stephen Szymanski think about this?
Tom Landry was America’s coach for America’s Team. He was head coach of the Dallas Cowboys for 29 years. Twenty-nine years. He was an innovator and a genius who built the Dallas Cowboys into the franchise that they are. Without his history and his hard work I dare say that the Dallas Cowboys wouldn’t be the richest American Football team in the world.
Landry won just two Superbowls but had a winning team for decades and won the Cowboys’ division more times than I can remember. And he was fired. Unceremoniously dumped by new owner Jerry Jones on the back of three bad seasons.
Ironically, the Cowboys went on to win three Superbowls almost immediately after Jones took over and fired Landry. As much as I loved the Cowboys of 1989, despite their horrible record, I despised the Cowboys of 1993. Troy Aikman… ugh. I remember I was taking Japanese that year and the students had to write some 20 sentence nonsense using as much Japanese as possible. There was a meathead in my class whose Trapper Keeper was covered in Dallas Cowboys stickers and Troy Aikman drawings. His entire story was about Troy Aikman. You probably don’t know this but “Troy” and “Aikman” are not words that lend themselves well to Japanese pronunciation. To this day I have nightmares about that speech he gave where every line seemed to end with something in his attempted Japanese accent then TROY AIKMAN in an American accent and “desu”.
Despite their Superbowls and the fact that the franchise is worth a gajillion dollars, there are people who want Jerry Jones to retire and be a more hands-off owner. Hence the ‘Dear Mr. Jones‘ and it’s becoming clear to me that sports fans are a much weirder bunch than I have ever given credit before. Every Saturday, grown men get into a costume and assume a character in order to spend a few stressful hours watching something that makes them miserably happy. We become something else when we are in the moment of the game. None of us would speak to another human being the way we yell at Koscielny when he kicks the ball into his own net. Could you imagine a ballet enthusiast dressing up like a ballerina every week and yelling “this portrayal of Clemence in Raymonda is UTTER SHIT!”?
And while it makes for a funny scene I suppose they do play dress up in their own way and express their displeasure in their own way as well. So, maybe human beings are all just weird. We take our entertainment very fucking seriously indeed.
Well, shit. I have to get to work. So the rest of it you’ll have to guess at but I will give you clues:
- Who is Arsenal’s most experienced Arsenal player?
- Would you exchange profits for owners for competition on the playing field?
- What does TTV predict Arsenal’s finish should be this year? How does that compare to other predictive models?
And then there’s that bastard tabula rasa as it were staring at me, begging me to fill it. Like I said, off to work.