Arsenal head into the January transfer window left desperately in need of a replacement for the departing Theo Walcott. With just three months before the transfer day deadline, and Wenger’s war chest bursting at the seams, panic shopping has begun to take hold in North London’s press community.
The most obvious transfer target to replace Walcott is Athletic Bilbo’s Fernando Llorente. Sources standing around outside the club have reportedly seen Arsene Wenger secretly fuming that Theo didn’t sign and instead has just kept playing and being generally a really nice guy to everyone.
Llorente is clearly the better striker, having scored one goal already for Bilbo with zero starts and four subs whereas Theo has only scored 4 goals in 9 games. Llorente is also a top international prospect who inexplicably wasn’t used this summer when del Bosque choose instead to opt for his revolutionary “no strikers” formation rather than playing either Llorente or his backup Fernando Torres.
Another ideal transfer target to replace Theo Walcott is Crystal Palace wunderkind Willfried Zaha. Zaha is English.
Zaha also scored four goals in his last two games which has alerted the press to alert Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger to start the three month long swoop for his signature. Someone from Crystal Palace has said that he’s not selling Zaha which means that Zaha will certainly be sold in January. To Chelsea.
The editor at 7amkickoff suggested Jefferson Farfan as another possible replacement for Theo Walcott but it turns out that Arsenal’s supposed interest in a “swap deal” for Farfan and Andrei Arshavin last spring was just Farfan’s agent using the rumor mill as a means of getting his client a bigger payday. This “agent using web site for client gain” thing almost never happens and is certainly not the case with Llorente even though he’s a bit pony.
With a track record for uncovering unknown gems like Santi Cazorla and Dennis Bergkamp, Arsenal are unlikely to take a big name player like Farfan and instead newspapers will be looking for value players like Koke, Daniel Caligiuri, Fagner and Hiroshi Kiyotake to report on. If you haven’t heard any of these names reported as Arsenal targets before that’s ok, we are “reporting” them now.
Koke was on Arsene’s hit list as far back as 2009. Koke is an obvious choice to link to Arsenal because he’s young, Spanish, and has two feet. He’s also 4th in the top 5 leagues in crosses per game with 3.0 and 2nd in key passes per game behind Leighton Baines with 3.8. If Baines and Cazorla mated, they would have a little Koke baby.
Wenger’s war chest is so full that he will almost certainly also be reportedly interested in a player like Frieburg’s Daniel Caligiuri. Caligiuri is the most successful dribbler (3.4) on the second most dribbling team in all of the top five leagues. Also, he’s young and chances are you’ve never heard of him. He’s also left footed and plays exclusively on the left but that is no hindrance to Arsene Wenger: he’ll just convert him to a right sided player.
If Wenger can’t line up Caligiuri then almost surely the next target to replace Theo Walcott is Wolfsburg’s second-best Brazilian, Fagner. Fagner is technically a left back and Arsenal have several of those but it just seems like the perfect match for some headline writer to put “Fagner tickles Arse” or something equally as clever. Also, Fagner is pretty good at football and tops all leagues in tackles per game and is 10th in interceptions, plus he’s the second-best dribbler at Wolfsburg with 3.1 per game. Fagner tickles Arse indeed.
And finally, if none of those players will be linked by the press, then almost certainly Hiroshi Kiyotake will be tipped just based on the numbers he’s been putting out for Nurnberg. I “discovered” him when I sorted the columns at WhoScored.com by crosses per game and it turned out that he is averaging the same number of crosses as Leighton Baines. This “sorting columns to find supposed Arsenal transfers” is a variation on the “Falcao has the second most goals in the top leagues so he must be on everyone’s radar” trick. Kiyotake is also like 12th in Key Passes per game and already has 4 assists, where Leighton Baines only has 2 assists. Sure, Baines leads everyone in Key Passes per game with 4.3 per game and crosses (tied with Kiyotake) but the key thing is that Baines is a left back and Kiyotake is a midfielder. I think, I’ve never seen a Bundesliga game.
Does anyone know where I can catch some Bundesliga games? All this dribbling and stuff sounds great to watch.
Seriously, help, please?