Arsenal head into the January transfer window left desperately in need of a replacement for the departing Theo Walcott. With just three months before the transfer day deadline, and Wenger’s war chest bursting at the seams, panic shopping has begun to take hold in North London’s press community.
The most obvious transfer target to replace Walcott is Athletic Bilbo’s Fernando Llorente. Sources standing around outside the club have reportedly seen Arsene Wenger secretly fuming that Theo didn’t sign and instead has just kept playing and being generally a really nice guy to everyone.
Llorente is clearly the better striker, having scored one goal already for Bilbo with zero starts and four subs whereas Theo has only scored 4 goals in 9 games. Llorente is also a top international prospect who inexplicably wasn’t used this summer when del Bosque choose instead to opt for his revolutionary “no strikers” formation rather than playing either Llorente or his backup Fernando Torres.
Another ideal transfer target to replace Theo Walcott is Crystal Palace wunderkind Willfried Zaha. Zaha is English.
Zaha also scored four goals in his last two games which has alerted the press to alert Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger to start the three month long swoop for his signature. Someone from Crystal Palace has said that he’s not selling Zaha which means that Zaha will certainly be sold in January. To Chelsea.
The editor at 7amkickoff suggested Jefferson Farfan as another possible replacement for Theo Walcott but it turns out that Arsenal’s supposed interest in a “swap deal” for Farfan and Andrei Arshavin last spring was just Farfan’s agent using the rumor mill as a means of getting his client a bigger payday. This “agent using web site for client gain” thing almost never happens and is certainly not the case with Llorente even though he’s a bit pony.
With a track record for uncovering unknown gems like Santi Cazorla and Dennis Bergkamp, Arsenal are unlikely to take a big name player like Farfan and instead newspapers will be looking for value players like Koke, Daniel Caligiuri, Fagner and Hiroshi Kiyotake to report on. If you haven’t heard any of these names reported as Arsenal targets before that’s ok, we are “reporting” them now.
Koke was on Arsene’s hit list as far back as 2009. Koke is an obvious choice to link to Arsenal because he’s young, Spanish, and has two feet. He’s also 4th in the top 5 leagues in crosses per game with 3.0 and 2nd in key passes per game behind Leighton Baines with 3.8. If Baines and Cazorla mated, they would have a little Koke baby.
Wenger’s war chest is so full that he will almost certainly also be reportedly interested in a player like Frieburg’s Daniel Caligiuri. Caligiuri is the most successful dribbler (3.4) on the second most dribbling team in all of the top five leagues. Also, he’s young and chances are you’ve never heard of him. He’s also left footed and plays exclusively on the left but that is no hindrance to Arsene Wenger: he’ll just convert him to a right sided player.
If Wenger can’t line up Caligiuri then almost surely the next target to replace Theo Walcott is Wolfsburg’s second-best Brazilian, Fagner. Fagner is technically a left back and Arsenal have several of those but it just seems like the perfect match for some headline writer to put “Fagner tickles Arse” or something equally as clever. Also, Fagner is pretty good at football and tops all leagues in tackles per game and is 10th in interceptions, plus he’s the second-best dribbler at Wolfsburg with 3.1 per game. Fagner tickles Arse indeed.
And finally, if none of those players will be linked by the press, then almost certainly Hiroshi Kiyotake will be tipped just based on the numbers he’s been putting out for Nurnberg. I “discovered” him when I sorted the columns at WhoScored.com by crosses per game and it turned out that he is averaging the same number of crosses as Leighton Baines. This “sorting columns to find supposed Arsenal transfers” is a variation on the “Falcao has the second most goals in the top leagues so he must be on everyone’s radar” trick. Kiyotake is also like 12th in Key Passes per game and already has 4 assists, where Leighton Baines only has 2 assists. Sure, Baines leads everyone in Key Passes per game with 4.3 per game and crosses (tied with Kiyotake) but the key thing is that Baines is a left back and Kiyotake is a midfielder. I think, I’ve never seen a Bundesliga game.
Does anyone know where I can catch some Bundesliga games? All this dribbling and stuff sounds great to watch.
Seriously, help, please?
Clearly you do need help ! The most depressing thing about this post, is that without very careful filters, like never reading the Mail or the Sun, I’d have to put up with stories like this ‘for reals’ instead of for gentle chuckles … There’s some internet rule about how sufficiently advanced stupidity is indistinguishable from satire – and it’s corollary, any satire distinguishable from stupidity is insufficiently biting. F’rinstance, watched the latest South Park and thought ‘that Honey Boo’ stuff was pretty funny and then discovered she’s real and that wasn’t satire, it was reportage. Cue facepalm.
It’s a general rule about South Park that if it sounds like there’s no way it could be true, it almost certainly is: hence the recent slowing in Barbra Streisand’s career…
I’ve liked Farfan ever since there was a season on PES where PSV had three uber-quick players who were suited to 4-3-3, it wrecked most teams. No idea whether he’s actually any good.
Also, there’s wiziwig.com for football streaming but some of it might be a little bit unlegal .
For the next four years, all football matches anywhere in the world will only be available on Al-Jazeera TV. Check your local listings.
On another lighter note… it’s been a pretty good interlull for us so far. Only two players coming back damaged. ‘course, there’s still this week to go…
Two ? Theo and who else ?
Bruce Springsteen
Kozzer.
Excellent report!
Interesting satirical piece.
I think we’ll likely have to work out the Walcott situation. If he goes, may be useful to bring in someone who can fill in centrally as well as wide (much like Santi)
Considering both Arsharvin and Rosicky will have limited time with us, and the fact that we have at least 2 budding talents in wide areas (Gnabry, Ryo), someone like Konoplyanka who can play across midfield will be useful in affording us more technical quality when/if Walcott takes off.
Also to watch (as we have been throughout the summer), the striker situation. I believe the reason why Wenger was cautious in bringing in one more last summer was the fact that we still have Chamakh (and Arsharvin and Bendtner and Park) on the books. If he is successful moving Chamakh in January, he may bring in another striker to improve our odds up front.
Llorente seems the obvious choice in terms of availability and possible price but also seems to be of the same cut as Giroud.
I would prefer someone a bit more quick on the feet like Leandro at Internacional. Admitedly the Brasilian is pricey but maybe not as much as we think (Spurs reportedly had alow 20m offer rejected but they are Spurs without the CL to offer)
He’s a robust player and @23 offers us a bridge between the current strikers hitting peak years (Podolski, Giroud) and the up and coming
(Chuba Akpom or Campbell). He is also strong in the air.
The other area of concern is of course Arteta’s position. whilst we should not expect him to be anywhere as near accomplished as the Spaniard, Coquelin sould get a good bite at this. However if he failes to convince and if Arteta gets a knock (god forbid), we may need a loan solution at very least.
I won’t hold my breath. Likely just one addition at best this January, but could be an interesting start of the year.
Likely some money will be saved up for more spending this coming summer. Sagna most likely to leave. I’d expect wenger will bring in a quality RB (or someone like Mbiwa who has flexibility to cover as CBack too). Also maybe, a keeper if the young keepers still show wet ears.
But he does have money to spend and I think he will as he HAS done this summer and last.
Crazy as usual. Had to ponder on all the silly alternatives to Walcott. In the end, I found there was no alternative.
Walcott should sing the ting.
I heard this through the Catalan grapevine, and it’s probably just a dud, but it came from a friend who lives there and actually has some ties at Barcelona, so I just thought I’d share it here.
Apparently, Neymar will arrive at Barcelona this January and Sanchez will be sold to Arsenal, probably with the money from a certain Walcott sale.
Again, probably nothing will come out of it and we will sell Walcott and buy no one, but as food for thought I found it interesting, since I’ve liked Sanchez before he started diving at Barceloneta.
By the way, I know today’s post is tongue in cheek and my comment comes as a bit naive, but what can you do. I guess I’m a sucker for transfer stories.
Good use of numbers and stats Tim! You should use this approach more often. Maybe you could even do match analysis with them
You’re the Billy Beane of football analysts!! Listen: there’s a midfielder who plays for the Lord Stanley Old Boys whom Wenger could snap up for a new pair of drumsticks – bit on the senior side, yes, but apart from the knee, solid value. Also, when you use the word ‘equally’, you don’t need to follow it with the word ‘as’ – the ‘as’ is implied in the ‘equally’. I’ve been watching everything on usagoals.com – seems to work. Love this blog man, especially as another 7AM kickoffish type.
I don’t know if you are serious or not with their numbers. I presume that you’re not. Anyway, my country broadcasting PL, MLS, Bundesliga, Ligue One, Serie A, and La Liga for free, maybe you would like it
his country was called “internet”
and spite of recent tidings, it still flew quite high,
his state was called: “laptop”,
the freeways: “les cables HD-M-I.
from kickball in the emirates to curling in old I-Talee,
all these images went to the park: “HDTV”.
All quite free!
Free? Please advise. I resent the hell out of beIN because they buy the rights to all these leagues but don’t have the infrastructure to show the games. I’ve never rooted for Rupert Murdock before but hope he can fend off beIN in the future. Time Warner cable just now implemented the NFL network (now that I no longer care about the NFL) so I equally resent Time Warner.
But beIN is the Man City of cable TV. They don’t need to make a profit & that hurts the consumer.
All numbers 100% accurate.