Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger launched a withering broadside against tall players on Thursday saying that only his mini-me’s can compete in the modern game.
Santi Cazorla may take comfort in Arsene’s words but former Arsenal trialist Yaya Toure will be looking to disprove the theory that tall players are less useful when the two teams meet at the Emirates on 12 January 2013.
“Because there is a smaller space the shorter players, the very agile players, are becoming more important and the taller players in midfield less so” the Frenchman preened.
Arsene also railed against tall players like Toure for their lack of technical skill “I believe it’s because the density of players you have to fight against in the final third is always getting bigger, so the quality of the pass and the technique in that area has become much more important.”
Wenger may feel backed by statistics as all three of the Premier League’s leading assist makers (Lallana, Hazard, and Mata) are under 6′ but statistics don’t tell the whole story.
Wenger is clearly excited by the fact that he unearthed another gem in Santi Cazorla, who had spent his entire career toiling in obscurity beneath mountains of Spanish sod.
Cazorla is virtually unplayable because apparently he has two feet. Cazorla’s podiatrist was unavailable to confirm his rumored bipediality at the time of this publication.
Sir Wenger (OBE) finished his tirade against the tall by savaging former Arsenal captain and known tall man, Patrick Vieira; “[Midfielders are] not destroyers anymore, they are players that the game starts from and the quality of their passing has become very important. That’s why you don’t really see purely destructive players in these positions anymore.”
Patrick Vieira has a career 13 red cards according to WikiAnswers.
This article is a parody. If you took this article seriously you should examine everything in your life. Additionally if this article sounds like the muck you’ve been reading you should examine everything in your life.
I would love to see MF trio of Danny DeVito, Peter Dinklage and Warwick Davis.
Sir Wenger OBE, we will win a trophy before that happens……
He did win trophies before that happened, in 2003 — http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/2988090.stm
In order for him to be styled “Sir” however, he would need to be elevated to KBE or GBE (never going to happen) or receive a Knight’s Bachelor — that’s what happened to Sir Alex Ferguson.
It’s a joke on my own ignorance regarding British chivalry.
It would be possible, and even noble for a man as elegant, learned, decent and brilliant as Arsène to be titles “Sir”, but only for the fact that he is a cheese stuffed, truffle-hunting, swamp-dwelling frog. Never forget our triumph at Waterloo.
I need to stop reading tabloids. Almost started to go “Wtf is Tim on” until i came to the two feet part.
Damn it, what is wrong with my life..
I know that some sentences of this post seems wrong but the context of the post is actually quite right. Although it doesn’t mean that Wenger rubbishes tall players, just emphasis the importance of small technical players.
Sir Arsene Wenger. Sir Wenger sounds more chavvy than chivalry
This parody would have been even more accurate had the British “journalist” in question also inferred from Wenger’s words that foreigners were superior to the English, and that he is intent on destroying England, its way of life, and the national team.
I am also waiting to see whether “Sir Wenger” looks at their passports before he checks their height.
(disclaimer: see Tim’s)
And whether he relates their passports to their diving skills. Because apparently Michael Owen does.
All hail the next pundit: Michael Owen of Stoke-on-Kent
Great piece of trash read today, Tim.
Funny stuff Tim.
Was fascinated by this article today. Bill Simmons on the perceived value of keeping players on astronomical wages. a dialogue Arsenal fans are rumored to discuss from time to time! only he focuses on the OKC Thunder, an NBA franchise and current reigning Western COnference champions (and probable NBA champs if the ref had made the foul call on LeBron in game 2!!!!!)
http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/8486795/the-harden-dilemma
You had me worried with the lines…”statistics don’t tell the whole story”…until you told it is a parody…
For a person who makes living from analytics…i am tied to the notion that…if statistics cannot tell the whole story…you have a problem with the data capture…
like the typical tabloid no research article style…where they post Kolo’s pic irrespective of which Tourre they talk about.