By Tim Todd, Real American
Happy first of July. Did you know that on any given day there is an official holiday? Yep, so, like today is American Zoo Day, Balloon Animal Day, Second Half of the New Year Day, and probably the most obscure “Canada Day.”
What is Canada Day? It’s the one day of the year when Canadian actors make their annual migration to Hollywood and take away jobs from real Americans. Do you know how many Canadians that have made this trip? It’s a pretty incredible list: Dan Aykroid, Justin Beiber, Jim Carrey, Michael Cera, Rae Dawn Chong, Cpt. Kirk — Kirk was such a fraud that he even gave a great speech about “We the People” on Star Trek convincing many young, impressionable minds such as my own, that he was, in fact, a USA American, but he isn’t… he was born in some French sounding place in Montreal — Michael J. Fox, Donald Sutherland, Seth Rogan, Natasha Henstridge, Eugene Levy (he was the star of the movie “American Pie”, what is more American than American Pie???), the list is almost endless.
The tricky thing about Canadians, or “ice backs” as Garrison Keillor once called them, is that they look and sound just like USA Americans. And they are really good at acting like real Americans. Michael J. Fox even played a convincing Reganite Republican in his very first role on TV. So, when they cross our border, our ICE agents have a hard time sussing them out. Well, to be fair, USA customs agents are terrible at stopping things coming through our borders: when Homeland Security tested itself, it failed to detect 95% of the weapons that undercover agents smuggled onto planes.
I digress. Today is Canada Day and I think something needs to be done to protect America’s last real homegrown industry: entertainment. If we’re not careful, these Canadians might even take over our reality television and that would be the most boring thing to happen since The View.
Now there are some interesting ideas floating around in the world today, for example, The Donald wants to make Mexico pay to build a wall between American and Mexico, but I don’t think a wall is going to work for us to keep the Canucks out, because we still need that Alaskan pipeline between Sarah Palin and the United States. The Palins are having another bastard child and I can’t miss out on the reality television broadcast of the naming of that little brat: my guess is that they’ll name it Jailin, Jailin Palin.
No, I think quotas. Affirmative Action for American actors. That’s the way to go forward. The English Football Association has been doing quotas over there and it has worked so well that they want to do MORE quotas!
Yeah, the FA wrote this “homegrown” rule, which sounds a lot like a legalization of marijuana thing, but it’s not. The homegrown rule simply states that teams can only have 25 players and 8 slots have to be for players who were trained by an English team for three years before their 21st birthday. It’s worked so well that Manchester City have THREE homegrown players: English national team ‘keeper Joe Hart, 37 year old third string ‘keeper Richard Wright (not to be confused with the author of Black Boy, though they are about the same age), and French international fullback Gael Clichy.
Morgan Schneiderlin, an Alsacian, is counted as homegrown and that only boosts his transfer value! Alexandre Dimitri Song Billong was born in Cameroon, but he counts as a homegrowner. Another Frenchman, Francis Coquelin and his Welsh buddy Aaron Ramsey joined his Polish teammate Wojciech Szczesny in the homegrown group.
And Chelsea FC are another team that really hit the Homegrown rule, they have three players as well, aging racist and former captain of the English national team John Terry, his buddy Gary Cahill, and Spanish World Cup winner Francesc Soler Fabregas.
Yep, this homegrown rule has been a rousing success — it’s been so good that they want to increase the number to 12! Man City will have to find twelve 37 year old goalkeepers to keep on their roster — and that’s how England is going to win the World Cup!
That’s why on this Canada Day, I’m announcing that I am running as a Republican for President of the United States of America! My only promise to the USA Americans is to make a quota system for Hollywood: all Hollywood movies must have at least 8 actors who were trained in acting by an American acting troupe for three years before the age of 21. Also, I promise more guns. So, I have two promises. More guns and more Americans on TV!
Down with the syrup slurpers!
*Hey guys, four weeks until Arsenal play real football again.