Category Archives: Transfers


An Arsenal Transfer Chanty

By Tim Todd

These ticket prices are crazy
They’ve priced me out of the game.
The pounds we pay for mid-table teams
is a crisis and a shame.

But throw the window open (hooray!)
Breathe in the transfer air!
If Wenger doesn’t buy some players
We’ll kick his derrière!

Kick greed out of football
and into the hands of the jocks.
Round up all their agents,
(the cunts!)
And hang them in the stocks!

Pirate 1: No wait, no we won’t, we need the agents to give the money to the players.
Pirate 2: We do?
Pirate 3: Yes, that’s how it works: you ring up the agent, offer him a bung and he talks to the player for you, offering the player a huge salary increase, of which he gets his portion. Then the player throws a strop at his club, the club’s “position becomes untenable” and then your club comes along, offers to take the player off that club’s hands. The club gets a fee, the agent gets a cut, the players get bigger salaries, the agents get another cut, and we get our player!
Pirate 2: And we all pay for it with increased ticket prices?
All Together: YES!
Pirate 2: will it ever end?
All Together: HELL NO!

But throw the window open (hooray!)
Breathe in the transfer air!
If Wenger doesn’t buy some players
We’ll kick his derrière!

I don’t care if YOU think they’re worth it,
your valuations are wrong.
Just spend some mucking funny,
Or we will give you the gong.

So throw the window open (hooray!)
And breathe the transfer air!
If Wenger doesn’t buy some players
We’ll kick his derrière!

Why did you buy that player?
Now he’s just deadwood.
(A Diaby!)
It’s plain to all that he was crap!
Our management’s no good!

But throw the window open (hooray!)
Breathe in the transfer air!
If Wenger doesn’t buy some players
We’ll kick his derrière!

Why didn’t you buy so and so?
We needed midfield steel!
It’s back to the transfer board my lad,
These players are too genteel!

So throw the window open (hooray!)
Breathe in the transfer air!
If Wenger doesn’t buy some steel
We’ll kick his derrière!

We’ll kick…

(From Stoke to Leicester Square!)

(repeat ad nauseam until 2017)



Podolski, should he stay or should he go?

According to Arsène Wenger in his press conference today, Arsenal are not looking to offload Lukas Podolski and his £100k a week salary despite media reports that put him on Inter’s radar and quotes from the player suggesting he’s less than happy at Arsenal. Wenger trashed such speculation and stated that interest from Inter wasn’t serious and that he wants Podolski to stay and “give his best”.

Podolski, like Andrei Arshavin before him, is a talented footballer who simply never worked hard enough to earn his place in the starting lineup at Arsenal. This doesn’t make him useless, he can come on, like he did in the first leg against Anderlecht, and win Arsenal games. But when Arsenal bought the industrious and talented Alexis Sanchez this summer, a guy who plays on the left where Podolski used to play, Podolski looked surplus to requirements.

His work rate and training had been publicly questioned by Arsene Wenger¹ and he was hauled off after a lazy performance in the FA Cup final. But Wenger persisted with the player and Podolski persisted with frustrating performances.

Down 2-0 to Borussia Dortmund and in need of one of his trademark hammer goals, Arsene called for Podolski to come in to the game off the bench. Poldi instead spent a few minutes hunting around for a pair of shin guards. This was a Champions League match, a big game, against Borussia Dortmund, and the man wasn’t prepared to come on.

And when he did come on, like against Anderlecht in the second leg, he didn’t bother working for the team. Arsenal were up 3-2 in the 90th minute and all they needed for Podolski to do was mark his man. Just get tight, and make the cross a little difficult. He does none of that, the winger has all the time he needs to make the pass (Podolski makes a feint at blocking the cross), and Anderlecht stole a point from Arsenal. Had Podolski closed down his man Arsenal might have topped the group.

If his salary can be used to bring in a hard working player like Edinson Cavani, I don’t think many Gooners will be too upset to see him go. But it seems Arsène isn’t interested in parting with the player just yet. Or perhaps he’s trying to drive a hard bargain and force Inter to take him permanently so that Arsenal don’t have a repeat of the Nicklas Bendtner situation where the player is continuously loaned in and out of the club.

I guess we’ll have to see what happens in January. If you want to be the first to know, check Podolski’s Instagram. He may not work too hard on the pitch but he does put in quite the shift on social media.



¹”With Lukas Podolski you always got the feeling that he is 80%-90% on the pitch. But you want the 100%. The 100% are world-class.” – Arsene Wenger


Will Arsène “Cavani” to the transfer hawks and spend £70m this January?

Arsenal fans the world over woke up this morning to some festive cheer. According to various reports the normally parsimonious Arsène Wenger is set to splash £70m to bring in World Class center forward Edinson Cavani and a much needed defensive midfielder/center back William Carvalho. And whether you believe the rumors are true or not it’s the kind of “news” that should bring a smile to your face.

Arsenal have been linked to Edinson Cavani now for a few years. Rumors first emerged that Arsenal were interested when his camp grumbled about leaving Napoli in 2012/2013. He scored an impressive 29 goals that season, and secured a big-money deal to play for the Oil Barons at Paris Saint-Germain.

There is no question about Cavani’s talent and industry. I retweeted a stat from Optajean today that “14 – Cavani has missed the most big chances of any player in Ligue Un.” And the stat is true. But so are all the other stats that Cavani has compiled in his career: between Napoli and PSG and just counting League and Champions League appearances (the top competitions) Cavani has scored 122 goals in 181 appearances. Even at PSG where he has been dubbed a “failure” and where he has been shunted off to the wing to make room for Zlatan Ibrahimovich’s ego, he is still a goal every other game player, scoring 32 in 62 appearances.

He’s not a target man center forward. He’s not winning you a lot of headers, less than 1 per game, but he does score goals with his head — had 6 headed goals in his best season at Napoli. He also doesn’t dribble a lot (less than 1 per game) and rarely picks out a teammate for an assist (just 15 assists since 2009). Also has twice as many yellow cards (34) as assists!

He’s also on £300,000 a week salary right now and would cost Arsenal somewhere in the range of £50m in transfer fees. Arsenal have spent lavishly in the last two years and the money is available for this kind of transfer. But years of conditioning by Wenger — saying that Arsenal don’t have money, that we don’t buy players we make them, and that a transfer like this would break the salary structure — have left me skeptical of these kinds of rumors.


Still, has a jaw like Bruce Campbell and I figure if we give him a chainsaw hand he could rip apart those teams that like to sit back in two banks of four.

In other news the William Carvalho rumor won’t go away with papers reporting that Arsenal are prepared to meet Sporting’s £20m valuation. The Daily Star has Arsenal literally on the verge of signing him.

Carvalho is a player, like Yann M’Vila, who has captured the imagination of Arsenal fans. By that I mean, most Arsenal fans have never seen him play and they have to imagine that he’s a £20m player.

In today’s press conference, Wenger said that Arsenal are prepared to buy a midfielder “if the right player comes along”. I have a friend who has a similar philosophy with women. He refuses to talk to women but, he says, if the right girl comes along he won’t pass up the chance. He’s been happily single our entire friendship and I have been miserably in love and trying hard to make square women fit into round pegs. Perhaps there is something to this philosophy.

Whenever Wenger makes this statement about “if the right player comes along” I can’t help but think that Wenger has a specific target in mind. Wenger is not a panic buy kind of manager, one time in 18 years is an anomaly. He is a patient man and willing to wait a year to get the players he wants at the price he wants. Cazorla is the prime example of Arsene’s buying philosophy — the Gunners let him go to Malaga for a season before buying him the next at a cut price when Malaga ran into financial trouble.

If Wenger is after Carvalho then he has a price in mind. If that price is £20m then I guess Carvalho will be a Gunner next month, because that’s the price Sporting reportedly want. If that price is less, ad Sporting won’t budge, then I guess Arsenal will use Coquelin for the remainder of the season.

Either way, I don’t see Arsene spending £70m in this transfer window. I’ve no reason to believe that, other than the conditioning I’ve received over years of January transfer windows, and the sound logic of my single friend who is still waiting for his Princess Charming.

Wait. I guess those are good reasons.



Here is a list of all the transfers Arsene Wenger has made since the January transfer window became a thing in 2002-03.



You’ll note that he’s really only splashed the cash three times. With the exception of the Reyes purchase in 2003-2004, the other two were times when Arsenal were in a bit of a crisis and faced “relegation” from the Champions League. Another odd thing is that I wouldn’t consider any of these players an unqualified success at Arsenal. At least not since they made the move. Henry and Campbell are legends and their contributions certainly helped keep Arsenal in the Champions League but they didn’t go on to have successful careers at Arsenal after these moves.

It’s easy to argue but I would say that the best three buys were probably Walcott, Adebayor, and… Henry. Other than that this is a list of busts.

Beware the Ides of January.