Category Archives: Deadline Poetry

NewsNow’s headlines have the scoop, on the Arsenal’s latest swoop.

He’s highly rated,
the bid’s audacious,
it’s a surprise,
but Arsenal’s voracious.
The move’s a shock
but the Gunners are a lock.

So we are eyeing him
and preparing a bid.
We are one step closer,
and on the verge.
Ready to submit
a formal offer.
We are going to dip
into our coffers.
(our warchest!)

Don’t let our delays
give you pause…
We are making our move,
to prepare to activate,
an unknown clause.

This is no kid,
no like a new signing
we are preparing a bid,
there will be no whining.
We’ll hijack the player,
you’ve been eyeing to swoop
We’ll trigger his clause
and keep the press in the loop.
He’ll snub all others
and join the cause.
As Arsene remakes Arsenal
into the Arsenal that was.

Our target is simple;
the new Vieira,
the new Henry,
or the old-new Cesc.

And we are poised,
on the verge,
it’s understood,
that it is our plot
to snap him up.

Don’t let hope fade,
he’s a marquee name!
A bid’s being readied!
We are going to table!
We will sign him soon!
(as soon as we’re able)

I know you’re skittish
but don’t be wary!
Because no other team will hijack
our audacious bid,
for the highly rated,
Gareth Barry.

All phrases used above stolen directly from NewsNow’s ‘Arsenal Transfers’ section between 6:30am and 7:30am PST on 11 July 2013. Any likeness between that site’s headlines and Arsenal’s actual transfer dealings are purely coincidental and any inference that Arsenal are after Gareth Barry, Cesc Fabregas, Wayne Rooney, or Luis Suarez is for entertainment purposes only. Hang in there Gooners, the transfer window doesn’t close until September 2nd. That’s right, the 2nd: Arsene gets one more day to drag his feet!



A Children’s Treasury of Transfer Limericks

So Arsenal have let go of Toto
And (nigh) signed a young man named Sanogo
A forward we are told
Who is not very old
So, in seven years he’ll score goals À gogo

Real Madrid have a striker named Gonzo
Who plays with Xabi Alonso.
His feet are real quick
And he has a long… flick
Arsene, please sign this fcukin’ guy, pronto.

Tin Jedvaj few have seen
but we hear his defense is mean.
None can say his last name
which is all just the same
Because the f*cker is only 17.

Check his genes and I bet they read ‘Barca’
thus read the headlines from MARCA.
And it’s easy to forget
the way he made us all sweat
and how Brownie hated his parka.

We’ve all banged the gong
for Maxime Gonalons
But Lyon’s Aulas insists
we should all go get pissed
Fellaini, it is then, from Everton?

For Grenier, Grenier, Arsene’s love is clement
and Lyon wants €20m for the deal, to cement.
But a Frenchman with skill
does fit the bill
for how Arsenal’s money gets spent.

Thus wraps up this Children’s Treasury
of limericks provided by me.
Arsenal haven’t signed squat
And most likely will not,
We’ll probably get Gourcuff on a free.



Gone-alons, Fellaini needs a brow wax, and Dancing Queen (Higuain)

I will admit that I have secretly coveted Maxime Gonalons at Arsenal for several years now. That’s why I make a Google News alert for “Gonalons Arsenal” two years ago and have been monitoring his transfer situation since. I’ve even written a post Banging the Gong for Gonalons. I think he reads the game well from a defensive standpoint, he’s strong in the air, and has an impressive, almost Pirlo-esque, range of passes at his command.

But he’s not for sale and never has been. Olympique Lyonnais posted an official statement on their web site that read “(we) were surprised to learn, by reading L’Equipe, that a fee has been defined for the sale of Maxime Gonalons and that this would be more than €12m. The club has no intention to give up its captain. The club’s development strategy is clear – Gonalons is one of the most promising young players. No clubs have contacted us, especially Napoli, and the club is sorry about the fact that some say to the contrary.”

This is interesting because I have found that L’Equipe is a very reliable source for transfer news. For them to have gotten this story about Gonalons going to Napoli wrong there must have been some pretty strong subterfuge on the part of either Gonalons’ agent or someone inside Lyon. But it really does look like they got this wrong! And Gonalons is not for sale.

Which is ok, right? Because that lady on twitter says that Fellaini is coming to Arsenal. I don’t know who she is, because I’m not in the know about her, but I am in the know about 101 great goals and they reported that she reported on twitter that he told her “I really hope so” or something when she asked if he was coming to Arsenal. That seals the deal!

Alternately, this could have been a case of the big Belgian simply mishearing her question. I can imagine a man, in a nightclub, with his hair covering his ears, could mis-hear a woman asking about coming to Arsenal. For example, maybe he thought she wanted him to store his bike in her trunk?

Also, I get the hair thing, Marouane, but the unibrow? That’s not how us Arsenal guys roll, mate. Sort your life out, seriously.

As for who I’d rather have at Arsenal, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I want the one who Arsenal sign. That’s right, I would take any of Fellaini, Gonalons, whatever, just someone big, ugly, and man mountainish, with hair like a caveman, who will scare the daylights out of Scott Parker.


And finally, is Arsenal going to sign Higuain today? I don’t know, but apparently Arsenal are in Spain trying to make it happen. No, I’m not going to make a Spain/Plain/Rain/Higuain joke, mostly because East Lower already did, instead I’ll make a terrible suggestion that Arsenal fans sing this song for Higuain to the tune of Dancing Queen.

He can dance, he can jive having the time of his life.
see that goal, watch that pass, diggin the Higuain.

Wednesday night and the lights are low
Champions League against Bordeaux.
Wenger plays Theo on the right, get out wide on the wing
Whip that cross, in swing.

Not anyone could be that guy,
Theo’s cross is too high.
But with a bit of luck the ball, dribbles across the goal
You’re in the mood for a dance,
and when you get the chance…

You score like Higuain, swift and sweet, number seventeen!
Gonzo Higuain! Getting the rub of the green.
He can dance, he can jive – having the time of his life.
See that goal, watch that pass, diggin the Higuain.

Playing center, you turn on ‘em.
Leave ‘em burning, then you”re gone.
Looking out for another, any goal will do
You’re in the mood for a dance,
and when you get the chance…

You score like Higuain, swift and sweet, number eightteen!
Gonzo Higuain! Getting the rub of the green.
He can dance, he can jive – having the time of his life.
See that goal, watch that pass, diggin the Higuain.