Category Archives: Deadline Poetry

Lukas Podolski

Mourinho, Rosicky, Poldi, and Dean: a children’s treasury of football verse

Jose Mourinho King of the Britons

mourinho held an audience
with the gathered scribes
excalibur he claimed i pulled it
from the cornerstone of stamford bridge
and this brittanias shield
athena wished it in my arms
he paused and the sound of tapping
keyboards filled the room
we are the britons he
said we dont dive
our lion hearts would shrivel
at the thought of young
or rooney taking a tumble
divin is for them
foreigners like drogba

Rosicky Offered Like, a New Contract

Life without
would be a
drag, man

Goldi Poldi

Goldi Poldi pudding pie
kicked the ball and made it fly.
Arsene says his shots are best
after Poldi gets a rest.*

How to get a yellow card in the Premier League

Clattermole flies in
both feet off the ground
Dean sees nothing
wrong going down.
Johnson, though, is a beast
yellow for removing his chemise.


*This is true. Since coming to Arsenal Podolski has been subbed on or off 53 of the 58 games he’s appeared in for both club and country. In the two seasons prior, he was subbed on or off just 25 of 86 matches.

NewsNow’s headlines have the scoop, on the Arsenal’s latest swoop.

He’s highly rated,
the bid’s audacious,
it’s a surprise,
but Arsenal’s voracious.
The move’s a shock
but the Gunners are a lock.

So we are eyeing him
and preparing a bid.
We are one step closer,
and on the verge.
Ready to submit
a formal offer.
We are going to dip
into our coffers.
(our warchest!)

Don’t let our delays
give you pause…
We are making our move,
to prepare to activate,
an unknown clause.

This is no kid,
no like a new signing
we are preparing a bid,
there will be no whining.
We’ll hijack the player,
you’ve been eyeing to swoop
We’ll trigger his clause
and keep the press in the loop.
He’ll snub all others
and join the cause.
As Arsene remakes Arsenal
into the Arsenal that was.

Our target is simple;
the new Vieira,
the new Henry,
or the old-new Cesc.

And we are poised,
on the verge,
it’s understood,
that it is our plot
to snap him up.

Don’t let hope fade,
he’s a marquee name!
A bid’s being readied!
We are going to table!
We will sign him soon!
(as soon as we’re able)

I know you’re skittish
but don’t be wary!
Because no other team will hijack
our audacious bid,
for the highly rated,
Gareth Barry.

All phrases used above stolen directly from NewsNow’s ‘Arsenal Transfers’ section between 6:30am and 7:30am PST on 11 July 2013. Any likeness between that site’s headlines and Arsenal’s actual transfer dealings are purely coincidental and any inference that Arsenal are after Gareth Barry, Cesc Fabregas, Wayne Rooney, or Luis Suarez is for entertainment purposes only. Hang in there Gooners, the transfer window doesn’t close until September 2nd. That’s right, the 2nd: Arsene gets one more day to drag his feet!



A Children’s Treasury of Transfer Limericks

So Arsenal have let go of Toto
And (nigh) signed a young man named Sanogo
A forward we are told
Who is not very old
So, in seven years he’ll score goals À gogo

Real Madrid have a striker named Gonzo
Who plays with Xabi Alonso.
His feet are real quick
And he has a long… flick
Arsene, please sign this fcukin’ guy, pronto.

Tin Jedvaj few have seen
but we hear his defense is mean.
None can say his last name
which is all just the same
Because the f*cker is only 17.

Check his genes and I bet they read ‘Barca’
thus read the headlines from MARCA.
And it’s easy to forget
the way he made us all sweat
and how Brownie hated his parka.

We’ve all banged the gong
for Maxime Gonalons
But Lyon’s Aulas insists
we should all go get pissed
Fellaini, it is then, from Everton?

For Grenier, Grenier, Arsene’s love is clement
and Lyon wants €20m for the deal, to cement.
But a Frenchman with skill
does fit the bill
for how Arsenal’s money gets spent.

Thus wraps up this Children’s Treasury
of limericks provided by me.
Arsenal haven’t signed squat
And most likely will not,
We’ll probably get Gourcuff on a free.