By Jessie The Footballer’s Body Venture
Welcome back truth seeking glory hounds. I see that the Arsenal collapse that I intentionally failed to predict in my last column has happened and that you all are glum. Fear not sheeple for the wolf is dressed in a sheep skin jacket, wearing a coon skin cap, and trading oh so softly across the wasteland of last season with alligator moccasins.
Also, I think I have a muzzle-loader around here somewhere.
I’ve had my ear to the ground and I can tell when the train is coming, how many people are riding out in their posse comitatus to snatch me off the trail of Arsenal’s next greatest signing. But fear not, brave braves for I will never rest until I find the perfect player who fits the requirements of Arsene Wenger. Namely that this person is tall.
Let me explain how I hunt down signings for Arsenal. First, I google their name. Let’s say Oxlade-Chamberlain
There’s a neat trick if you’re using Firefox where you can highlight a name right click on it and google search the name from there. Then, and this is the tricky part, I click on “Videos” at the top of the page. Try to keep up because from here on in it’s like chasing a wheel of cheese down the side of a mountain.
Once I find the video I’m looking for, I painstakingly go through it frame by frame and assign a dollar amount to each bit of skill. Here’s a sample:
Back-heels — £10m
Back-flips — minus £3m
Slotted passes — £2m each
Making a pass at a slut — £14m
Being English — 4x multiplier
Being French — square root multiplier
Badge kissing, fist pumping, and shirt removal — £2m per incident
Badge kissing Englishman — all your daughters will get pregnant
It’s kind of an esoteric matrix and there are plenty more categories that I left off this list but I have to report back to the Alsatian and he’s needs details, lots of details.
So, let’s look at Oxlade-Chamberlain’s video:
Ok, it’s short but it has gangsta rap music and that’s a bonus, there’s a couple of goals, some assists, but nothing really spectacular: no badge kissing, no back flips, and no sluts. But he’s English and that’s a 4x multiplier, remember. Unfortunately, the dance a 1:15 is so terrible that no team wants him and that’s a huge negative. All told, I value him at just £5m. Southampton want £10m, oh well, that’s a shame.
Another player I’ve been following closely is Argentinian Javier Pastore. As some of you may know I spent a great deal of time on the steppes of Argentina and have developed a fondness for the sinewy toughness of Argentine players like Mascherano, Messi, Higuain, and Tevez. So it’s no surprise I have it bad for this kid.
Pastore plies his trade in Italy for Palermo and despite having to wear a pink shirt for home games still managed a fine season. His video shows off the range of his talents, slotted passes, back heels galore, dribbling, shooting, goalazos, he’s the complete package and it’s no wonder that Chelsea bid £33m for him. But what Chelsea failed to factor into their bid was the understated nature of the marketing campaign for him.
Look at the video, there’s a nice vignette effect (very hipstamatic) and there’s no music. This post-minimalist approach ensures that the player is the highlight, not the production values.
Sorry Chelsea, Arsenal, and Mancity, this video alone adds £11m to his value. He’s worth at least £44m.
Unfortunately, I don’t smell the boss on the trail of Pastore unless something strange happens like Cesc being trapped in a paella pan in Catalunia.
No, the strongest scent on this dusty trail is heading off toward Blackburn where my advanced scouts indicate that Arsene Wenger is trying to wrangle the Minotaur of Blackburn into his wagon for the trip South to London.
But Blackburn aren’t easily fooled. They’ve managed to put down some impressive counter measures. This video which shows both Christopher Samba late for the bus and not knowing which side the door opened on is a pretty impressive bit of skullduggery.
And if you’re saying to yourself “ugh, how would he organize a defense if he can’t even organize himself onto the team coach?” then you’ve fallen right into the trap that Blackburn set for you.
But what really threw me off the trail was this truly epic piece of art. Thomas Kinkade couldn’t have lit the fire that I now know burns in Christopher Samba’s heart after watching this video:
Loving you? It’s easy because you’re an out of focus video of a poster of Christopher Samba on someone’s wall. No, this has the filthy fingerprints of Henry Kissinger all over it. This is a straight FIFA hatchet job on the character of Chris Samba, and I’ve told le Boss to break the bank to sign him.
Well sheeple, I’ve let you in on some of my trade secrets. Now, go out there and scout your own signings. And don’t forget, when you’re dying of thirst in the desert don’t drink from Sepp’s Blatter. It’s a poisoned chalice.