Category Archives: Jessie The Footballer Venture

Jessie Venture Scouts The YouTalent

By Jessie The Footballer’s Body Venture

Welcome back truth seeking glory hounds. I see that the Arsenal collapse that I intentionally failed to predict in my last column has happened and that you all are glum. Fear not sheeple for the wolf is dressed in a sheep skin jacket, wearing a coon skin cap, and trading oh so softly across the wasteland of last season with alligator moccasins.

Also, I think I have a muzzle-loader around here somewhere.

I’ve had my ear to the ground and I can tell when the train is coming, how many people are riding out in their posse comitatus to snatch me off the trail of Arsenal’s next greatest signing. But fear not, brave braves for I will never rest until I find the perfect player who fits the requirements of Arsene Wenger. Namely that this person is tall.

Let me explain how I hunt down signings for Arsenal. First, I google their name. Let’s say Oxlade-Chamberlain
There’s a neat trick if you’re using Firefox where you can highlight a name right click on it and google search the name from there. Then, and this is the tricky part, I click on “Videos” at the top of the page. Try to keep up because from here on in it’s like chasing a wheel of cheese down the side of a mountain.

Once I find the video I’m looking for, I painstakingly go through it frame by frame and assign a dollar amount to each bit of skill. Here’s a sample:

Back-heels — £10m
Back-flips — minus £3m
Slotted passes — £2m each
Making a pass at a slut — £14m
Being English — 4x multiplier
Being French — square root multiplier
Badge kissing, fist pumping, and shirt removal — £2m per incident
Badge kissing Englishman — all your daughters will get pregnant

It’s kind of an esoteric matrix and there are plenty more categories that I left off this list but I have to report back to the Alsatian and he’s needs details, lots of details.

So, let’s look at Oxlade-Chamberlain’s video:

Ok, it’s short but it has gangsta rap music and that’s a bonus, there’s a couple of goals, some assists, but nothing really spectacular: no badge kissing, no back flips, and no sluts. But he’s English and that’s a 4x multiplier, remember. Unfortunately, the dance a 1:15 is so terrible that no team wants him and that’s a huge negative. All told, I value him at just £5m. Southampton want £10m, oh well, that’s a shame.

Another player I’ve been following closely is Argentinian Javier Pastore. As some of you may know I spent a great deal of time on the steppes of Argentina and have developed a fondness for the sinewy toughness of Argentine players like Mascherano, Messi, Higuain, and Tevez. So it’s no surprise I have it bad for this kid.

Pastore plies his trade in Italy for Palermo and despite having to wear a pink shirt for home games still managed a fine season. His video shows off the range of his talents, slotted passes, back heels galore, dribbling, shooting, goalazos, he’s the complete package and it’s no wonder that Chelsea bid £33m for him. But what Chelsea failed to factor into their bid was the understated nature of the marketing campaign for him.

Look at the video, there’s a nice vignette effect (very hipstamatic) and there’s no music. This post-minimalist approach ensures that the player is the highlight, not the production values.

Sorry Chelsea, Arsenal, and Mancity, this video alone adds £11m to his value. He’s worth at least £44m.

Unfortunately, I don’t smell the boss on the trail of Pastore unless something strange happens like Cesc being trapped in a paella pan in Catalunia.

No, the strongest scent on this dusty trail is heading off toward Blackburn where my advanced scouts indicate that Arsene Wenger is trying to wrangle the Minotaur of Blackburn into his wagon for the trip South to London.

But Blackburn aren’t easily fooled. They’ve managed to put down some impressive counter measures. This video which shows both Christopher Samba late for the bus and not knowing which side the door opened on is a pretty impressive bit of skullduggery.

And if you’re saying to yourself “ugh, how would he organize a defense if he can’t even organize himself onto the team coach?” then you’ve fallen right into the trap that Blackburn set for you.

But what really threw me off the trail was this truly epic piece of art. Thomas Kinkade couldn’t have lit the fire that I now know burns in Christopher Samba’s heart after watching this video:

Loving you? It’s easy because you’re an out of focus video of a poster of Christopher Samba on someone’s wall. No, this has the filthy fingerprints of Henry Kissinger all over it. This is a straight FIFA hatchet job on the character of Chris Samba, and I’ve told le Boss to break the bank to sign him.

Well sheeple, I’ve let you in on some of my trade secrets. Now, go out there and scout your own signings. And don’t forget, when you’re dying of thirst in the desert don’t drink from Sepp’s Blatter. It’s a poisoned chalice.

Jessie Venture has the number for Arsenal

Welcome truth-seekers.

I often tell my children that the the most important thing in life is not just to show up and collect your paycheck, but whether you stand in the right place when you do it.

That’s why it bothers me so much when I see this Arsenal team playing a guy with the number 2 on his back in some kind of attacking midfield role. Every time I see this, I literally yell at the television screen, WHY IS ARSENAL’S RIGHT BACK IN THE OPPOSITION BOX??? After a couple of quater pounders with cheese calm me down, I realize that this is the problem with today’s ego driven sports stars; they all think they are Michael Jordan and get to have their own special number that they will get to one day retire-unretire-and then retire again.

These players even make deals to get the number they want regardless of whether that’s anywhere near the position that they play on the pitch and regardless of whether their performances have merited them being assigned a number that stretches credulity.

But here’s the deal, truth seekers, I think it’s high time for Arsenal to remind these players that they are not bigger than the club. The player plays for the right to wear the shirt, not the other way around.

When they step out onto the pitch for the starting team they will be numbered 1-11 and numbers will be assigned by the position they play on the pitch. Substitutes will have the numbers 12, 13, and 14 but when one of the starters is injured and misses the next game, they lose their shirt to the next guy. If Sagna plays right back three weeks in a row, he’s Arsenal’s number 2 for those three weeks. If he’s injured and Eboue takes his spot for a week, he’s Arsenal’s number 2 for a week. NEVER DIABY AT NUMBER 2.

I’d go one step further and take the names off the back. I’d have a badge on the front and a number on the back. Like I said, the shirt is more important than player.

The only room for argument here is which numbering system we choose. Since Arsenal play a 4-2-4 or a 4-3-3 depending on how long they have been holding the ball in the opposition box I’m ok with Arsenal using a more Brazilian numbering system.

That would mean the following numbers would be assigned:

  1. Keeper
  2. Right back
  3. Center back
  4. Center back
  5. Holding midfielder
  6. Left back
  7. Right wing
  8. Right mid
  9. Center forward
  10. Attacking mid
  11. Left wing

If we want to be more traditionally English in our designation we could go like this:

  1. Goalie
  2. Right back
  3. Left back
  4. Defensive mid
  5. Centre half
  6. Centre half
  7. Right wing
  8. Centre mid
  9. Centre forward
  10. Attacking midfielder
  11. Left wing

Unfortunately, as egos needed to be stroked and young players with a complete disregard for the history of the game have come in, squad numbers are assigned these days from the start of the season. That’s how Arsenal ended up with Nicklas Bendtner wearing the number 52 and Abou Diaby who can’t play a lick of defense wearing the hallowed number 2.

If Arsenal were to play their players based on numbers assigned and using my preferred Brazilian style numbering, this would be the starting XI:

  1. Almunia — Goalie
  2. Diaby — right back
  3. Sagna — center back
  4. Fabregas — center back
  5. Vermaelen — Volante!
  6. Koscielny — left back
  7. Rosicky — right wing
  8. Nasri — center mid
  9. none (no players at Arsenal wants to be number 9, surprise) — Center forward
  10. van Persie — attacking mid
  11. Vela — left wing

Here’s what I would do, I would hang the numbers in order from 1-14 above the lockers (no assigned lockers) then I would post the team sheet on the door on the way in, assigning people their number, their place on the pitch, and letting them know whether they get a start for the Arsenal.

Arsenal need to nip this ego-driven numbering system in the bud before they end up like the Italians with everyone running around in a ball, kicking each other and yelling at the referee while wearing some number like 99 on their back. Nip it in the bud before I take my next crop of little footballers and ask little Johnny where he plays and he says, “I’m a number 17 coach, just like Alex Song.”

There is no number 17, Johnny, never has been, never will. You’re fired.

How Arsenal won the 2010/2011 Premier League, Jessie Venture posts from the future

Hello truth seekers.

I’ve just returned from a top secret mission into the future and while I know you’re all just dying to hear what happens with the Kolo Toure drug rap and the Ashley Cole shooting incident both of those have ties to my mission and I’m not at liberty to discuss them. Put it this way, the guns and drugs are the least of their problems.

According to our metrics no one will read this column and thus betting patterns will remain unaffected and so what I am allowed to tell you is not only that Arsenal won the Premier League title in 2011, shocking the sensibilities of the opinion makers in the press, but I can tell you how they won it match by match.

Now, before you ask I have to tell you that it’s not a DeLorean that you use to time travel — that is just silly Hollywood make-believe. No, it’s a Prius.

After extensive studies on the effect of driving a Prius our scientists discovered that the normal Prius has a time dilating effect. You know how when you’re driving one they are so gods awful, slow, and tedious that you feel like time has slowed down? That’s not just a feeling, that is a scientific fact; time slows down when you drive a Prius. Now, if you modify the electric engine in a way that I can’t tell you, then drive the Prius in reverse you can actually travel forward in time.

But you didn’t come here for the lecture on the relative time dilation effect of the Toyota Prius, you came here to get information on how Arsenal won the Premier League and where you should place your bets this season.

I think it’s March 4th right now and Arsenal are in 2nd place having played 27 matches, right? Right. Let me just get my bearings, time travel can be a bitch. I think we’re at the point in the season where Manchester United have played 28 and just lost to Chelsea, after which their manager had an ironic temper tantrum and called out the referee for not giving United every single call. He’s charged by the FA and after that he will go into Mubarak media lockdown and refuse to give interviews to anyone on any topic.

Of course, for throwing the toys out of the pram the FA just fine him and give him a 1 match touch-line ban but it’s the refusal to speak to the press that actually gets their goat far more than the interviews he actually gave. Things start to unravel for United this weekend when they lose a second game in a row this time to Liverpool.

Never underestimate the hatred that a true Scouse like Kenny Dalglish has for Man U. Down 1-0 at half time, Kenny whips the whole of Liverpool into a frenzy with a rousing speech that’s carried live over the radio. Liverpool come out and smash United 3-1 and Dalglish’s legend is re-born.

March 4th MiniLeague table, United is winning, oh no.

This is the place where the title race is blown open, because Arsenal beat Sunderland handily for the first time in years. Handing an injury depleted black cats a 4-0 hiding at the Emirates which not only puts Arsenal just one point behind United, more importantly, it gives Arsenal a superior goal differential and just two goals shy of the Goals For category.

Bet you didn’t know that. As it sits today both Arsenal and Man U have allowed the exact same number of goals; 27. I told Man U they should have bought Gary Cahill in January, after all you can’t win a Premier League title without an English center half.

The next week Bolton give United a nice game, by which I mean a 2-0 win, and Arsenal get revenge over West Brom with a 2-0 of their own. Then there’s an international break and miraculously no one gets hurt for Arsenal and even more miraculously some Man U players are allowed to play for their national sides. Still, everyone comes home healthy.

Arsenal then beat Blackburn and Blackpool 3-1 and 3-0 respectively. While United beat West Ham and Full Ham 2-1 and 2-0 respectively.

Going in to the game on the 17th, Arsenal are buyoed by the fact that Newcastle held United to a 0-0 draw the day before and eek a strange 1-0 win over Liverpool at the Emirates. It’s strange only because Arsenal don’t normally beat a Northern team when Howard Webb is referee. Arsenal are top of the table on 71 points, have a +42 GD, and a superior goals scored number of 70 to United’s 69.

In the mid-week replay, Arsenal can only manage a 2-2 draw away to Tottenham and now our game in hand advantage has evaporated. Still, Arsenal are two points clear of United at the top of the table and just 5 games left in the season. The big game is going to have to be Arsenal v. United, just as you always knew it would. Both Arsenal and United finish April with wins as United beat Everton 2-0 and Arsenal beat Bolton 2-1.

The big game comes and of course, Mike Dean is the referee. 2-1 win to United over Arsenal. They are back in the lead and all the papers are filled with headlines that Arsenal’s season is over. The Arsenal blogosphere erupts with headlines saying “Wenger Out, Nasri Out, Cesc Out, Denilson Out, Koscielny Out, ENGLISHMEN ONLY IN.” All these hysterics for nothing because Tim writes a blog explaining that the season isn’t over and United are only one point ahead. He uses the word “fucktards.”

Man U play Chelsea at Old Trafford the next week and despite Howard Webb awarding United two penalties, 7 minutes of added time,  and sending off both Essien and Cech, Chelsea shock the world as Torres scores and they win  2-1. Sir Alex of Baconface writes an op-ed column the next day decrying the state of English refereeing and calling for Howard Webb to be pilloried. Not metaphorically pilloried, but actually hung up in the center of Manchester on a pillory.

Unfortunately, Arsenal can’t capitalize and only manage a 1-1 draw at Stoke City. I say unfortunately, because Arsenal are top of the table but only by dint of their superior goal difference and United get to play both Blackburn and Blackpool to finish the season while Arsenal have to play Villa and Full Ham.

United beat Blackpool 3-0 and go into the last day of the season on 79 points, having scored 77 goals and with a +42 goal differential. Arsenal pillage Villa for 5 goals and have 79 points, 81 goals, and a +47 goal differential. This sets up the most thrilling of final days the Premier League have ever seen. Neither United or Arsenal can lose either game. Neither Blackpool nor Fulham can lose either game as they are still in the relegation zone.

In the first half, Blackpool are crushed 3-0 and Arsenal have not managed a real shot on goal and are level 0-0. After the 75th minute United are up 5-0 and cruising. Arsenal have allowed a Hangeland header and are down 1-0. United score a sixth goal and the title race is looking over. But then a miracle happens. Arsenal score to get back in. Then an own goal and Arsenal are down 2-1. There are just five minutes of regular time left and Arsenal score a second to pull level. In the dying minutes, the city of Manchester are preparing the open top bus tour when the fourth official, Lee Probert, flashes 6 minutes of added time.

Arsenal score in the 95th minute, win the game 3-2. They are level on points with United at 82. They are equal on goal differential at +48. But Arsenal win the 2011 Premier League title because they scored 84 goals and United only scored 83.

Bet on it.