Is Everyone at Chelsea Injured Prior to the Arsenal Match on the 29th?

With Cashley Cole, Drogba, Lampard and now John Terry complaining of injury Chelsea could be missing as many as five of their starters against Arsenal on the 29th, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Cole was the first of this latest crop to pull up with an injury, a depression fracture of his tibia, which was first uncovered back on the 21st of October. Since then he’s missed 3 matches against Rovers and Wanderers but played in the Champions League match against Athletico and the 1-0 win over Man U last week, both times requiring an injection. Given that record, my bet is that he’ll be rested against Wolves, rested against Porto and will be back in full strength against Arsenal.

Lampard was next on the injury list, getting a cramp on the flight to Doha with the national team which later turned into a tear of the quad while doing sprints in practice. Like the Cole story, there have been several different versions of this story: first, he was going to be out until Christmas, and now it’s 3 weeks. Again, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s rested against Wolves and 100% ready for the Arsenal match.

Drogba’s injury is similarly shrouded in mystery; is it a bruised rib, a broken rib, epilepsy, what exactly is Drogba suffering from? The club initially reported it was a bruised rib, but the Ivory Coast are calling it a broken rib, according to The Sun. Please note, “according to The Sun.” The Sun’s story is now being picked up by others like Goal.com and Arsenal News Review, you know, only the most reliable news sources. Given Drogba’s record of fakery, he’s probably not only fine but Jonny Evans probably kicked a rib back into place making him stronger.

And finally, there’s a brief mention in other articles that John Terry might not be able to play today against Brazil because he hurt his ankle. Fingers crossed… that it’s a career ending injury.

Of course places like Goal.com, Arsenal News Review, and The World’s Least Reliable News Source are trying to say that all four players could miss the Arsenal clash on the 29th. As a betting man, I would say “don’t put any money on any of them missing that game.” The only person I would absolutely rule out is the fifth injury: Jose Bosingwa is absolutely out, having had arthroscopic surgery the other day. His recovery time is expected to be 3 months.

For those that are interested in Arsenal’s injury news ahead of the match, the press had been quiet, but Wenger has given us some clues:

Bendtner: Groin surgery, no doubt an injury sustained… erm… with the Armless Baroness, three more weeks minimum.

Wilshere: Didn’t play in the England U-21 win over Portugal, expected to start against City in the Carling Cup.

Fabianski: Should be fit by the 29th, but Wenger is calling Almunia the first choice keeper for the time being.

Walcott: Starts training next week, will probably be short of fitness by the 29th, though he does like to score on them and could be a super sub.

Denilson: Starts training very soon. Could play in the Chelsea match.

Vela: Mystery knee injury, Wenger keeps saying “any day now” when he remembers that Vela exists.

Clichy: back fracture, will not be fit by the 29th.

Traore: No longer injured.

So, there you have it, a bit of actual news and analysis for those of you who complain about my sense of humor.

EXCLUSIVE: Arsenal’s Nicklas Bendtner Dating Armless Baroness Caroline Luel-Brockdorff

Dude, where's her arms?

7amkickoff has obtained exclusive photographic evidence that Baroness Caroline Luel-Brockdorff (formerly Caroline Flemming) has lost both arms.

Whether or not her loss of arms coincides with the recently reported dating of Arsenal star striker Nicklas Bendtner is unknown at this time.

7amkickoff would like to extend our condolences to the Baroness and hope that she and her family enjoy a long and fruitful life. And for Nicklas, well, we’re just glad that he’s finally scored something this season.

More on this story as it develops.

I’m so bored I might watch Beckham play “soccer”

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE

David Beckham is scheduled to play “soccer” tonight with his team the LA Whatchucallits against some team from Texas, where they play on sand, and they really hate each other. I guess I’ll watch it just for the handbags that Beckham brings to pretty much every match. 8pm (PST), ESPN2

Tomorrow morning I will while away the day watching Slovakia v. USA and Brazil v. Engerland as I await the 1pm kickoff of the star attraction; New Zealand v. Bahrain.

MORE GOOD NEWS

This just in, Sir Alex Ferguson is personally responsible for all of the wealth in the Premier League. So, before you go and start suing him for defamation and whatnot, remember: Fergie kicked Chuck Norris’ ass.

THE HITS KEEP COMING

Yesterday’s contest was lovely and funny and the Random Number Generator did its thing and… frequent commenter, and known Paraguayan, Yan is the winner.  Congratulations, the shirt is in the post.

THE BEST NEWS YET

Citing the fact that the Premier League already has its fill of losers who whine about refereeing, the FA has refused to allow Celtic and Rangers in. Having lost that battle, they will no doubt be blaming Eduardo.

Which brings me to my UK culture question of the day: are Scottish people genetically predisposed to whinging about things? I mean, Ferguson is Scottish, right? And he whines constantly. Celtic still hasn’t forgiven Arsenal, and I’m half Scottish and I’ve been known to go on a whinge every once in a while.  So, I wonder, do Scots have an overdeveloped sense of injustice?

I await your answer in the comments.

I WISH THE NEWS WAS BETTER

Frank Lampard was rushed back from Doha when it was revealed that the flight that the FA chartered for the England team didn’t have places for these pampered sports stars to lie down. Seriously.

I mean, it was almost a 7 hour flight and without a proper first class cabin, there was no place for Lamps to lie down, which caused him to complain of cramps, and which subsequently caused him to tear his quad during sprints.

Initially it was thought he would be out for 6 weeks and would miss the Arsenal match, but it’s now down to 3 weeks and by the time he’s rested and gets a warm pie on the injury, I’m betting it’ll be a miraculous recovery.

Too bad, I was hoping for Deep Vein Thrombosis.

OF COURSE YOU ARE

The FA is hiring David Dein to bring a nice, orange glow to their 2018 bid for the World Cup of Nationalism. I can’t wait until he builds their bid up and then stabs them in the back at the last moment.

And FIFA released it’s monthly Preposterous Pronouncement, timed to coincide with Nationalism Week, that it will no longer give two fucks what player’s agents do! I’m really struggling to figure out what FIFA does, exactly.

There will be more of this tomorrow, unless the Beckham game puts me into a coma.