How Arsenal got their Hleb back.

[THIS SPOT RESERVED FOR IMAGE OF ARSHAVIN HOLDING UP AN ARSENAL SHIRT]

After a hectic final 24 hours of the world’s most protracted transfer deal, we’re only slightly more certain of seeing Arshavin in red and white than we were yesterday. Which is just about the most frustrating thing I can imagine.

That’s not true, I can imagine being a Spurs fan; firing the best manager in your club’s recent history, selling off all your best players, firing the guy who got you your only trophy in several years, because he couldn’t motivate a team of losers, and then buying back 3 of your former players in what can only be a desperation move to save your Premiership season.

I can imagine that.

I guess it’s like they say “cream rises to the top — and if you’re Robbie Keane you drop back down to Tottenham.”

I guess in some way, the Arshavin transfer saga is equally incredible. Last year when Spurs were flushed (get it? Spurs? FLUSHED???) with cash, they made an £18m bid for the diminutive playmaker and were rejected by Zenit. Today there are reports that Arsenal paid somewhere between £10 and £15m for him. Hey, if all those shenanigans yesterday saved us £7m then it was all worth it.

I really like the Daily Express story linked above there: it’s so fantastic that it’s sort of magical. In that story, Arsenal paid a mere £10m for Arshavin, his picture has already been taken, the paperwork is all signed, Andrei took a huge pay cut, paid for his own flight in, AND paid off his signing bonus out of his pocket. Oh yeah, and he expects to play Tottenham on Sunday! He also rides a unicorn and can fly on rainbows, I don’t know why they didn’t report that bit.

best.deal.ever

I don’t know what really happened yesterday, the closest we’ll get to the truth of this matter is probably over at Gunnerblog. There are more twists and turns than a M. Night Shamalan screenplay. I can’t wait for the reveal: Arshavin is actually an alien and he melts if he gets wet. Why did they come to a planet that is 90% water? ARE THEY THAT DUMB!!?!

And finally, it was being reported yesterday that Arshavin will wear the number 13 for Arsenal, which was the number that Hleb wore and generally considered a cursed number. If you add in that he’s kind of small, and dribbly, it made me think “wow, Arsenal are buying Hleb back!” And then I watched some videos of him and it got me thinking that he’s more like Rosicky than Hleb, mostly because he scores goals. So, as for the title of the blog, I couldn’t really say “how Arsenal got their Rosicky back” since we still have a Rosicky.

Rosicky’s only like a new signing after all.

The snow is like a new signing

Good mourning everyone! Today is the day that the transfer deadline will pass, Arsenal will sign no one, and Gooners the world over will be seen pulling their hair out. You might as well start mourning its passing right now.

The latest news goes like this: Arshavin flew in to London in order to be available in case Arsenal found £3m under Peter Hill-Woods’ mattress, the Gods thought they would test Londoner’s resolve by dumping 1″ of snow on the town, London ground to a halt — even the underground stopped running (there’s no snow down there!).

Meanwhile, back in Arsenal’s board room, some kind of deal was reached with Zenit, except no deal was reached! From what I gather, the thing holding up the transfer is that Zenit paid Arshavin a £4m signing bonus up front for his 4 year contract with them and they want half of that back, because he’s breaking his contract! Sounds reasonable to me.

Arshavin is refusing to pay this fee, because… well, I really don’t know why he would do that, but we know for sure that he’s refusing to pay the fee. He’s telling Arsenal if they want him, they need to pay the fee… oh yeah, and he wants a pay increase as well.

Remember back when I said that I was very uncomfortable signing Arshavin because he was threatening his team with a contract strike? Also remember how Arshavin was telling everyone he’d take a pay cut to join Arsenal? Funny thing about that, as it turns out, it looks a lot like Arshavin and Zenit are BOTH “football jokers” as one Arsenal exec put it.

So, after seeing his wage packet (which would be a modest increase over Zenit), he reportedly went back to the airport in disgust, to his private jet, to  fly home.

I’ll be sure to update this post when the transfer window closes and Arsenal haven’t signed anyone.

Meanwhile!

That 1″ of snow? Well, they have called off tomorrow’s match against Cardiff on account of 1″ of snow — THE BLIZZARD OF ’09!

And to brighten your day, here’s a quote from Arsene Wenger…

There’s always a danger because people always want a wonder man. But I believe we have to keep going, and accept that the expectation level on him would be very high if he joins us. But if he doesn’t join us I am not more pessimistic. We have as well not to go overboard with the crisis we face. Let’s judge our team at the end of the season.

UGH

I want to go back to bed, I was having a great dream about trophies and sunny days and….

Update!

I have been informed by a reliable source that the transfer deadline has been extended.  Wenger has been quotyed as saying “It’s like a new transfer window.”

Update Redux!!

Theo Walcott should be back in 4 weeks, like a new signing!

Update Tridux!!!

The Cardiff game has been tentatively rescheduled for February 16th and Setanta is showing the match live. That’s right, on President’s day, Briooots! Which if you don’t know, is the day which Americans celebrate George W’s birthday by festooning our nude bodies with $1 bills and masturbating to pictures of nookular missile silos.

Also, everyone is reporting that Arshavin is parked at Heathrow in a white Ford Bronco, ready to zoom back into London and sign for Arsenal as soon as they agree to pay him more than everyone else on the team by giving him a “signing bonus” which he will use to pay Zenit to pay back his “signing bonus” which is in no way a “transfer fee” nor “salary” which would break Arsenal’s “salary structure” — in negotiating, this is known as the “Flamini gambit.”

Check-Mate, Zenit.

Update Quardux!!!!

The transfer window closed an hour and a half ago, there was no announced signing, and yet the media outlets are reporting that the deal is still on!

Screw the rules!

Update Quintux!!!!!

The Andrei Arshavin saga seems to have come to a close, at least according to L’Equipe, who are reporting that Arshavin is now an Arsenal player.

Unfortunately, I cannot verify this because YOU PEOPLE ARE FLOODING ARSENAL DOT COM WITH YOUR F-FIVE-ISM.

Also, L’Equipe is reporting that Arshavin is not match fit and won’t be for two weeks, when he is eventually healthy he will be like another new signing.

So, it’s like we signed two players for the price of one! We will totally do the treble now.