Confused Christiano Ronaldo Allows Woman to Sniff Him After Practice

The "Ronaldo hair joke" the lowest hanging fruit of all jokes, hey I can't be full on red hot maximum at all times, can I?

Yesterday, as £80m world record signing Christiano Ronaldo and his new Real Madrid teammates were put through their paces in Ireland, a woman stood among other people and waited for an opportunity to have her picture taken with any and/or all of Los Galacticos Dos.

As practice wound down, a clearly confused Ronaldo wandered too near the cougar den and suddenly was accosted by Aoife Finneran who, with cell phone cam at the ready, thrust her head near the mega-super-star and screamed “SAY CHEESE!”

Afterwards, Aoife, described the experience thus:

As he neared me I could see his rippling muscles, his confident swagger, the swagger of a man who’s wallet is so thick you could club baby seals with it. As he approached I think he sensed the danger and flinched as if to flee but my cat-link instincts took over and I pounced. As I thrust my head into the frame of the photograph, I noticed that he smelled of lovemaking and raindrops. It was the most sublime experience of my life. I tried to bite his neck and go for the kill but he escaped by quickly falling over and clutching his ankle — dead animal pose stops a cougar every time.

A clearly shaken Ronaldo was immediately whisked off to the first aid tent where he received some water, a hair cut, and a pedicure. He’s said to be recovering in hospital and should be fully recouperated in the morning, after a hot bath, with fresh flowers, and bubbles.

Going once, going twice…

Meanwhile, Arsenal super star and the world’s most wifi-enabled player, Emmanuel Adebayor was reportedly being offered by Arsenal to every other team on the planet, but most notably to Manchester United. Pundits believe the move by Arsene Wenger is in retaliation for Ferguson giving Arsenal Silvestre last year.

The player, who is widely recognized as a “tender and considerate lover,” is currently mulling over his options in the Algave, sipping Sancerre. The sticking point seems to be that he loves Arsenal and Arsenal supporters so much that £170,000 a week, making him briefly the highest paid player in the EPL (until City sign Terry next week), is not enough to prise him from the warm embrace of his beloved Arsenal.

Coincidentally, that the exact plot line from The Merchant of Venice, from whence this quote floweth

What’s here? the portrait of a blinking idiot,
Presenting me a schedule! I will read it.
How much unlike art thou to Portia Adebayor!
How much unlike my hopes and my deservings!
“Who chooseth me shall have as much as he deserves”!
Did I deserve no more than a fool’s head?
Is that my prize? Are my deserts no better?

It is, perhaps, one of The Bard’s finest tragedies.

David Beckham Eats Dedication and Craps MLS Teams

A clearly remorseful David Beckham was interviewed yesterday and when asked how he felt about leaving his teammates for six months while he pursued the dream of being part of the England World Cup squad, he responded with tears in his eyes:

I think what you’ve seen is that I’ve been very dedicated to the Galaxy, dedicated to the fans. I’ve always been committed to every contract I’ve ever had, and that hasn’t changed. I’m a very committed person. If people want to question my commitment and my professionalism, the fact that I’m willing to travel thousands of miles to play for my country says it all.

I hate to editorialize in the middle of such a serious column, but I have to agree with David here; nothing says “honoring your committments” and “dedication to the cause” like leaving your team on a loan and promising to return when your team’s season starts up again, and then negotiating a special loan deal to extend your stay at the other team, then when their season is over, reluctantly re-joining the team you are contracted to half way through their season.

Beckham saves his most scathing criticism, however, for people who say he hasn’t helped American Soccer while on loan in Italy:

What I’ve done for the league so far has been very successful, I’ve had a successful effect on the game here. You know, there are eight new franchises coming into the league, new stadiums going up (and) attendances, wherever we’ve played as a team. If you look at the attendances we have had throughout the seasons, there’s not many Premiership (teams) that get the average attendance that we’ve had, excluding Manchester United and Arsenal and teams like that.

It’s true, in his brief stint in America, all 26 games, Beckham has been extremely effective. He has swept through the land and like a modern day Johnny Appleseed, crapping out stadiums and teams left and right. Moreover, excluding Arsenal and Man U, the Galaxy’s attendance is better than 7 of the 20 teams in the EPL; edging out West Bromwich Albion by just over 180 folks per game.

It’s clearly a footballing revolution when the biggest name in world football can go to a city of 10million souls and draw nearly the same attendance as a Stoke-on-Trent with their massive population of 240,000.

Another Shakespeare play comes to mind here, I don’t remember the name right now, but I think it’s the one about hubris.

Thank you for bringing football to America, David!

Why I’m not going to the Sounders v. Chelsea

I’ve tried to explain this to my friends and no one seems to get it, but maybe you all will. See, I’ve been offered tickets to see the Sounders (the local MLS team) play Chelsea (a huge pile of Tottenham) multiple times and each time I’ve steadfastly refused.  Well, I say “offered” and I mean “hey, I’ve got some tickets to this game, do you want to buy one?”

Hell no I don’t want to buy one, why on Earth would I give money to Chelsea?

This, of course, always elicits the response, “well you could support the Sounders.” Which is true! I could go and pretend to be a Sounders supporter for a day, like Halloween, and root against Chelsea. But that’s just it, I’m not an actual Sounders supporter (yet) and so I’d be pretending, fooling myself while shelling out some cash to Chelsea. Honestly, I just can’t do it.

The other thing that bothers the locals is that I didn’t just jump on the Sounders bandwagon the moment they announced they were forming. In fact, I was openly cynical about the entire experience: I doubted that they would get the gridiron lines off the field, I poo pooed the fact that they play on plastic, I have seen proper football in that stadium before and I thought the seats were too removed from the pitch, and I worried that American fans can be a bit annoying with their drums and horns in lieu of actual support.

Since then, I’ve watched a few matches and I have been pleasantly surprised. They’ve done a pretty good job getting the Seahawks lines off the field, though the end of season will coincide with the start of Seahawks season and so I wonder how they will handle that. They are building a custom “soccer” stadium and hopefully installing grass will be a priority and they will design it in such a way that supporters are close to the action. And the fans, well, they seem to be actually a pretty good lot and the drums and horns are kept to a dull roar.

Moreover, I think the Sounders have some really spectacular talent in Freddie Montero and can be fun to watch after they get the ball settled and start making a few passes.

Still, I’m not one who rushes in to these sorts of things. It took me several years of watching various clubs on the television before Arsenal finally won me over. So, to my local buddies, you’re just going to have to have some patience and know that I will be watching the match on the television — ESPN2, noon local time. And yes, I will be rooting for the Sounders to stomp the guts out of Chelsea.

Now, when Barcelona comes to town… anyone have tickets to that?

OK! Basically, yes, I’m a football snob. Arsene made me this way, with his beautiful game, what can I say.

Transfer Roundup

You guys seem to know more about this stuff than I do, but hey, what the hell. So, my personal Arsenal target, Lorik Cana, is involved in a deal with Hamburg and there has been some kind of snag, which has opened the door for… Everton. *sigh* I guess I have to give up on this one, eh?

…and turn my sights on Jeremy Toulalan! No one, and I mean NO ONE is linked with Toulalan, which obviously means that he’s coming to Arsenal, RIGHT?

Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if Wenger waits until after the Adebayor deal is done to make his moves.

Not the badge, NOT THE BADGE, damnit, he's kissing the badge... ugh

That deal, by the way, looks like it has some serious legs and could even be done today or tomorrow, which is nuts. I’ve never seen a deal move this fast, which is probably indicative of Wenger’s desire to unload him, and the player’s desire to kiss the three decorative stars above the chickenhawk on Money City’s badge.

I’m being cynical, in actuality I feel more like Gunnerblog. I feel like I’m losing someone who I supported despite all the detractors: people who said despicable things. I feel like I’m losing someone special, a guy I saw score his first ever home goal in my one and only magical trip to Highbury. And finally, I feel like he’s kind of a sad case. Someone who listens to the people around him who don’t have his best interests at heart, people who want something from him not for him.

I’ve said it before but it bears repeating, I’ve seen a lot of sports stars like Adebayor, Shawn Kemp comes to mind, they have a few good years and suddenly they think they are the best in the world. Then when the fans turn on them, it gets ugly and they start acting out. Before you know it, they’re in rehab, fat, old, and deeply in debt.

I hope he ends up better than Kemp but given the fact that he couldn’t hold it together and act professionally for one season, I have to think that there’s something deeply disturbed in there. Best of luck Ade, except when you play against us.

Vieira’s doing WHAT? Plus Man City’s Horn of Plenty.

I started this blog as a new year’s resolution to write every day. It’s a topic I’m passionate about, Arsenal in particular and football in general, and there’s a ton of easy research available. So I figured “just do it” and I haven’t looked back since.

One of the things I’ve discovered along the way is that in writing these blogs, and through the fan feedback, I actually learn to make sense of some things. This is especially true when it comes to complexities like transfers, transfer rumors, agents, and the press. If I had been raised in England, this stuff would all be old hat to me I imagine. But I wasn’t, I, instead, know all about how player trades in the NBA work — which is about as bat-shit crazy a system of caps and exceptions as you can imagine. So, given my accident of birth in the U.S., there are days when I just don’t know what the hell is going on and writing it all down, just getting it all out in one place , really helps.

This is one of those days.

For example… Why in the hell would Patrick Vieira go to Spurs? This man is an Arsenal legend who is reportedly being offered £35,000/wk. to play for a pack of, well, cunts. This story can’t be true can it? I mean, I’ve seen some patterns emerge over the last few years, so, for example every creative midfielder in the world is linked to Arsenal during the transfer season, usually they do it alphabetically going straight down the list. And as if he’s some kind of foil for Wenger, every defensive midfielder in the world is linked to Redknapp, constantly. But still, this is not just Miguel Veloso here, this is Patrick FUCKING Vieira! Do I believe this story? I haven’t a clue.

But I will say this: don’t do it Paddy.

The other stories that are boggling my mind are about money, vast sums of money, amounts that don’t even make any sense. Like, Man City offering John Terry £250,000/wk*. £13m a year! Nearly £6m more per year than he is making at Chelsea, the same Chelsea who have the highest, stoopidest, most kick to the balls of the working man, payroll in the history of football.

Sort of like Vieira but even more so, John Terry is the face of Chelsea (sometimes literally like when Diaby nearly kicked it in) this can’t be real, he just wants Chelsea to pay him more, and why aren’t they just doing it? It’s not like they don’t have the money.

One of the stories not being reported on, probably because it’s early in the transfer season, is the fact that somehow Chelsea have found themselves no longer the big dog in the room. Other than some Zhirkoff that they have added to their collection of Jerkoffs, Chelsea have failed to sign every single one of their targets so far this year: Pato, Ribery, uhhh who else I swear there was more? Instead, these players are standing pat, or waiting for the real big money offers from Real Madrid or Man City. If I was a Chelsea supporter, I might be getting nervous right about now. What’s Roman going to do? They don’t have a business model, they have a cash model, and right now their cash isn’t enough.

There’s been a lot of talk about Arsenal losing 4th place this season and with Man City amassing an amazing array of players, an eye watering cornucopia of the world’s talent in one place, you’d have to bet that they will certainly be pushing for one of the top spots. But you also have to think that the instability in Chelsea, caused by their mercinary tactics and constant firing of coaches, will be why they are the team most vulnerable to getting kicked out of the Champions League spot, not Arsenal. And if they lose Terry, I would be betting money on it.

And let’s turn back to City for just a second… I have confirmed yesterday’s rumor that City is supposedly offering Adebayor between £150-180,ooo per week. Which I have estimated to be about £200,000 per offside.

He’d be a fool not to take it, they are fools to offer it, and Arsenal will reap the rewards from his sale. Meanwhile, Wenger will push on doing what he’s done for years now, quietly building the best team in the land.

That is, if he’ll just sign an experienced defensive midfielder — if for no other reason than to placate us grumblers. It’s a win-win, right? Let’s say he signs Toulalan or Cana or M. Diarra (all supporter targets) and they don’t adapt and Song or Denilson are better — then he gets to do his patented “I told you these were the best players, believe in youth, we are creating something special” press conference. On the other hand, if they are successful, well then it’s a bit sad but next year we sell one of the folks they replaced and move on. Everyone’s happy.

And finally, there’s the belle of the ball, everyone’s favorite to win the League and last year’s “team who will win the Sext (Charity Shield, Premier League, FA and League Cups, Club World Cup, and Champions League) ” Manchester United.

Well, they are taking the £80m from the sale of CR7, nee CR9, and putting it straight into the bank. Well, they signed Michael “Balsa Legs” Owen for a free, and Antonio “Who?” Valencia for £18m, but other than that, Fergie’s saying that he’s closed the window on transfers at Man U. Have you noticed the press reaction to Fergie’s statement? Have you noticed that there aren’t any articles saying that the club is in crisis, or wondering if Fergie’s “lost the plot?” Man U, a club that is nearly three times as in debted as Arsenal, a club who can’t afford to make the interest payments on their line of credit, make two minor purchases after losing their star player and everyone’s all “meh.”

It really has gone mad, hasn’t it?

*I do know that that’s a link to a Daily Star “article” which is the boobiest of all newspapers but this figure is widely being reported and sometimes it’s ok to link to a funny newspaper like the Daily Star.