FIFA Feels Left Out of "Boot in Mouth" Week

A hoof, a shoe, and a leg... Things that Sepp Blatter puts in his mouth

I love it when Sepp Blatter gives interviews because every time he opens his mouth he proves beyond a reasonable doubt that he is a complete twat. This week (so far, he could still have a few things up his sleeves!) he made the shocking observation that football teams in England try to make money.

Whoa there Sepp, are you sure? I mean, either English teams are in debt up to their eyeballs and on the verge of collapse like you said last month or they are trying to make money by bringing in foreign talent and kicking English talent to the curb.You can’t have both!

Which is it? Actually, I don’t think he knows which of the two options are the right one and he’s just flailing around looking for anything to criticize England for because he’s a xenophobe and probably in the pocket of the Spanish and Italian giants of world football. You know, the clubs who supposedly eschew profits for the sake of playing beautiful football with 27 home grown players under rainbows and alongside unicorns.

Either that or this is yet another criticism that’s directed at Arsenal and only Arsenal. In his little quote he mentions two things that make me think this is him taking a swipe just at Arsenal: profitability and having only “one or two English players.” In my opinion, Sepp Blatter has an unhealthy obsessession with Arsenal. To the point where I have to wonder if he isn’t suffering from Neurosyphillis. All over the continent, racist fans and thugs are running wild and all King Sepp of Syphillis can focus on is how many Englishmen are in Arsenal’s first team. It’s really is bizarre behaviour and unbecoming of a man in his position.

Saying that the clubs in England are in it for the profits is pretty much the weakest argument I’ve ever seen from Blatter — and he’s had some real doozy’s. No, this is typical stuff from Blatter, he’s just thrashing around looking for some reason to hate on Arsenal football. You know it’s obvious when Richard Scudamore calls him out.

The only other story today that’s crazier than Sepp Blatter’s insane proclamation is the story that AC Milan is going to bid £35m for Adebayor. It might as well be £135m for all the likelihood that Arsenal will command that type of fee for the Togonator.

£35m would be an insane fee for any player in this economic climate, but £35m for Adebayor at a time when speculation is rampant that the Rossoneri are going to be cutting salaries 30% is, well, that’s Sepp Blatter insane.

Not to mention that in his current form I couldn’t see a team (except Tottenham) paying £16m for the player, much less a record transfer fee like £35m. And if you throw in the £15m for Clichy, that bring’s AC Milan’s total Arsenal haul to £50m! £50m, at a time when they are making cuts? I don’t understand how these fake stories get made up much less printed by “respectable” newspapers.

Anyway, £50m is a fun number to dream about. You know what Wenger could do with £50m? He could totally pay off some of the debt for the Highbury redevelopment scheme and still have some money left over for a couple of 16 year olds named Emmanuel!

That’s what.

See you lot tomorrow, when Sepp Blatter announces that English teams have too many Alsacian coaches and it’s effecting the English National team’s chances of qualifying for the World Cup.

UEFA Insane Proclaimation #1 Welcomes us to International Week

Big Platini is Watching You

For those of you who follow my Google Reader shares (link there on the left to my page and an RSS Feed on the right of the blog) you’ll already know that we’ve got a lot of stupidity to get through today. But before we get to the stupidity, I just want to say that if you want to follow my shares on Google Reader you can either subscribe to the RSS feed or if you’re already a Google Reader and want to be friends (so we can comment together) you’ll need to send me an email (bostelle | gmail) and then we’ll need to chat. Stupid I know, but once we’re sharing together it’s actually a lot of fun and for my money more relevant than getting “I’M POOOPIN” updates off twitter.

Ok, where did I put the stupidity???

Oh yeah here it is: one of the main things I despise about the international break(s) is the sheer number of times Arsenal players are shipped off to play against some micro-country and come back in pieces. These weeks ahead hold great promise for us to suffer horrible, season ending injuries to players who are currently being held together with duct tape. No player exemplifies this worry more than Emmanuel Adebayor.

Today, the Togo manager is promising to use Ade, despite the fact that he hasn’t played since he suffered a hammy tear in February. Now, I know a lot of you will straight dismiss this story because you feel like “we don’t need Ade” but you’d be 100% wrong. We need every player on this Arsenal team in order to win a trophy and we especially need Adebayor in the Champions League where his size and speed pose problems for European squads and he always seems to step up his game (3 goals and 2 assists in just 3 CL appearances this season). Like it or not, we need Adebayor 100% healthy and not pulling a hammy for Togo.

Similarly, Eduardo’s Croatian manager is saying the Dudu is “perfect” and “showing no sign of injury” which indicates to me that he’s going to play the living crap out of him over this next week and a half.

Yeah, he’s perfectly healthy if you don’t count the fact that he’s been in and out of the Arsenal lineup with niggling little injuries picked up every time he plays because he was sidelined for a year. While I share his enthusiasm for having Dudu back, I’d rather see Eduardo used sparingly over this international break so that he could be available to win something for the club which pays his salary.

And then, of course, there’s Andrei Arshavin. Who’s agent described him as “60% fit” which I would also describe him as.. erm… fit as. Given that level of fitness, every Arsenal supporter is holding their breath hoping that Chelsea/Russia coach Guus Hiddink uses Arshavin in a responsible manner and that he is returned to us safe and healthy for the run in.

Of course, not everyone is off on international doodie and that makes them very sad. Sad enough to contemplate getting a passport for a country they weren’t born in and praying for a call up. You know, I think Alumina should get the English passport. Not so that he can get an England call up (which he might, given that he’s probably the best “English” keeper in the world right now) but so that he could count in Arsenal’s 6+5 scheme. Just in case that xenophobic, protectionist, and racist idea is passed. Think about it, we’d get to say “Hey now, Arsenal have TWO English players in their first team, the same number as Uber English Liverpool.” That would be nice, wouldn’t it?

But the big story, the one we’ve all been waiting for, is “what insane ideas will come out of UEFA/FIFA during the international break?” And, of course, they don’t let us down do they?

This month we have “Let’s do an American style salary cap based on, of all things, BASEBALL, despite the fact that it would be impossible to manage and ignoring the fact that baseball’s salary cap is the laughing stock of world sport.” Luxury tax… yeah, that hasn’t stopped New York and Boston from having payrolls that are the shame of the world.

But let’s think about this for a second. Either a club would have to adhere to the salary cap (LOL) OR a club’s supporters would be attending games at great personal expense and at least a portion of that expense would be going to some club like, say, Blackburn.

This idea is so mind-numbingly stupid and untenable that the only conceivable reason why they would announce it is because they need to make it look like they are doing something. So, they travel to America, talk to a few people, pick a plan that could never possibly work, come back, and wait until international week to announce that they are looking into implementing it.

Frankly, this plan has as much chance of happening as the 6+5 rule, or me giving a shiat if Amaury Bischoff leaves for one of the, literally, hundreds of clubs who want to buy him. Which is to say, 0%.

Hey, at least with this proclamation out of the way we can officially say that the International Break has well and truly started. Because it’s not an international break without a retarded idea coming out of FIFA/UEFA.

AC Milan in Clichy Swoop and Other Nonsense

During the international break, these blogs are a true test of a blogger’s endurance: I have to like, literally, just crank something out. So, if you’re looking for something special, that undiscovered bottle of Gigondas in the back of the pantry, chances are it’s not going to happen. Take yesterday’s column. That wasn’t fit for me to wipe my own ass with! But I had to publish something and once I got like an hour into it I just went forward. Reminds me of when I was in grad school and I turned in a 10 page paper that I had written in like 3 hours and I got a 3.6 in the class despite the fact that the professor put “not your best work, 3.6″ on my final. Not my best work gets a 3.6??? Wow.

In a sense it’s good because part of the process of writing, any art,  is to just keep doing something: keep shooting photos, keep writing, keep painting whatever just keep doing.

That’s what you get today, some of my “do.”

Hm… So, is Steven Gerrard the best player in the world and how exactly would you fellate him if you had a chance? The Times wants to know.

If you go all the way back to the beginning of the season, I picked Liverpool to win the league because, I reasoned, they had the best defense in the EPL and they had added a good goal scorer to the mix in Robbie Keane. Typically, I was wrong about the reason (Robbie Keane didn’t help them in that area) but correct about the diagnosis (they needed more goals) and now that they are scoring more goals, they look a legit title contender again despite the fact that they sold Keane.

Also, I was a bit biased because frankly I don’t care how good a team that Man Unit put out, I’d rather anyone but them win the league. Ok, anyone but them and one of Sam Allardyce’s current/former pack of cunts.

That said, I’m pretty tired of all the news stories fellating Gerrard. Yes, he’s a good player. Yes, he’s won loads of trophies. Yes, he’s crucial to Liverpool’s success. But the best player in the world has been decided and it is Ronaldo (skinny Ronaldo, not fat Ronaldo.)

I can’t stand Ronaldo and I think he disappears in big games, Eboue shuts him down for f*ck’s sake, but he is a huge talent who’s trophy cabinet is already filled with more medals than Gerrard (6 to 5) and he is 5 years younger. There’s a reason Ronaldo won so many individual accolades this year, he’s that good.

Gerrard is objectively not as good, but he does have the one thing that Ronaldo doesn’t, an English passport, and for the British press at the height of International week, that’s all that matters.

What else is going on? Oh yeah, as promised, here’s a story about Gael Clichy going to AC Milan. It’s in French so let me translate:

Blah blah blah 2o million euros blah blah blah escargot blah blah blah Phillipe Senderos and Mathieu Flamini (ouch) blah blah blah “I am not aware,” says Clichy. “I’m very well at Arsenal.” Blah blah blah “But it is true that AC Milan is a great big club and it is gratifying to know that you are followed by such a team.”

Hey, for £20m+ I would totally take the money and run. Finding another wing-back who can’t put in a decent cross can’t be that hard, can it?

Well, there’s your do, enjoy, I’ll be back tomorrow with even more do, do tune in.