WaGs + Body Paint = NSFW

Sports Illustrated is going to page 3 route and has decided (for the first time?) to basically have naked women in their magazine. You could make the case that they aren’t really naked because they are covered in body paint but personally, I wouldn’t recommend trying that argument in front of your boss.

Anyway, if you’re at home, and you’re into WaGs of the World (there’s an American WaG, an English, a German, and an Italian) you might try this Sports Illustrated (NOT SAFE FOR WORK) link.

Get your limited edition Chipped Title Hopes pencil holder now!

The word “fiction” comes from the Latin root “fictio” which in turn came from the word “fingere” which originally meant something shaped or made out of clay. We tend to think of fiction as a novel written mostly out of the imagination but the original meaning, as you can see, is much subtler; creating the same cup out of clay over and over again, with just small manipulations, is more in line with the root of the word. Small manipulations, then, are closer to the original definition of “fiction” that are the grandiose creations we tend to think of when the word is invoked.

In the average Arsenal press conference, everyone has a role. The press, you, me, Arsene Wenger all play our part in this exchange: I’m the wheel, Wenger’s the clay, you’re the consumer, and the press are the fingers which shape the clay. Importantly, the consumer’s feedback is crucial to how the press mold the clay. If you all don’t like the story, you tell them to make it different and they oblige. But, and this is critical, the press only really know how to make a few things.  Oh sure, they can make you a cup but it’s only ever variations on a theme. The themes with Arsene Wenger and Arsenal are: Arsene Whinger’s plate, the Foreign Legion bowl, a Kiddie Cup, the Beautiful Football vase, and a Chipped Title Hopes pencil holder.

So, to produce an Arsene Whinger’s plate, they simply take a press conference where Wenger is highly complimentary of the opposition, decontextualize a quote like “Arsenal dominated” and form that into a nice plate. If you all buy it, they will then make another design and call it a Limited Edition Arsene Whinger’s plate and see if you’ll buy that as well. Last I heard they sold out of the Martin O’Neill Limited Edition, but never fear they have a Michael Ballack edition ready to hit, an Ancelotti Edition and they might even re-fire the old Sir Alex Ferguson Edition. That’s always a big seller.

The Foreign Legion bowl is a big seller around international breaks. The Kiddie Cup is an old stand by and is trotted out whenever Arsenal disrespect either the Carling or FA Cups by playing a full team plus some young players. The Beautiful Football vase is exquisite to look at but it breaks easily, so why exactly you all keep buying that I don’t know. And the Chipped Title Hopes pencil holder has been so successful, it is now on it’s second run with rumors that they might re-run the limited edition Arsenal Drop Out of The Top Four placard which completes the desk set.

This year, they have come out with a special matching set of all of the above items and have even thrown in a few new pieces such as the Arsenal Have No Money To Spend On Transfers Alisher Usmanov bust, the Why Didn’t Arsene Buy Anyone When Arsenal Clearly Needed a (this is a 5 piece set with Striker, Left-Back, Center-Half, Goal Keeper, and Imposing Hard Man all needed to complete the set) coffee mug, and if you act now there’s a bonus gift which is a tee-shirt that says I Bought the Press Hype Dinner Set and all I Got Was This Lousy Tee-Shirt.

Amazingly, it seems that this set is a huge seller and they might even sell completely out with nearly every Arsenal fan wringing their hands over whether they will get one before production stops.

Me?

I’m happy with my This is One Hell of an Arsenal Team Who are Competing for Two Leagues so Fuck the Press pajama set that I made for myself. Sure, it’s not all shiny and new, it’s worn around the edges, and it’s almost 6 years old, but it’s comfortable and keeps me warm at night. And I used the money I saved to secure seats to the Arsenal v. Porto match, which is something that will last a whole lot longer than some crappy Telegraph Chipped Title Hopes pencil holder.

Wenger’s new glasses, Chamakh, Elba is a Goonah, and more!

Yep, that’s pretty much what I went through watching the game. Hey, at least the Chelsea supporter they choose was A) funny and B) not as big a c*nt as I expect from someone who slavishly worships at the temple of John Terry’s penis.

Tickets to Burnley… Booked

My trip to London is drawing closer, I booked tickets to see Burnley today. Block 19 , row 1 tickets to boot! I’ll be right on the pitch, erm, I mean right near the pitch. Hopefully this means I’ll get some good photos. I do want to mention that sometimes the ticket software will show areas in red to indicate that they are sold out and there will be one off tickets in there, so don’t be afraid to click in red zones looking for singles.

I get tickets to Porto at 4pm (PST) wish me luck!

Oh and hey, if you want to see where you’re going to sit, this awesome little app will show you the view from every seat.

Wenger’s Myopia

Man, everyone’s having a go at Wenger today for not fielding a center forward/striker in yesterday’s match. It feels bad to be the butt of everyone’s jokes but judging by the fact that Arsenal have laid three eggs in three consecutive matches, they might have a point. [Studs Up]

Chamakh will save our season… next year

I have a sneaking suspicion that Wenger tried to sign Chamakh in January but Bordeaux, challenging for the next stage of the Champions League and knowing they had Arsenal over the barrel, basically asked for the moon. Or at least relatively the moon. If we get him on a free in the Summer and win 4 consecutive titles everyone will hail Wenger’s sound fiscal policy. Of course, as Wenger points out all the time, buying players is no guarantee of success. Though as we’re seeing this season, not buying players is also no guarantee. Hmmmm… there are no guarantees? [Chamakh wants Arsenal]

Everyone hates Mark Crapenburg

Wow, you know that you’re a crap ref when Kevin Cyril Davies has a go at you:

When I saw who was the referee I didn’t expect to get anything off him. Over the years I have never got much from him. There was a penalty at Old Trafford last season and he did nothing – but I got a booking. Numerous bookings over the years – I don’t know, I have always felt there is something personal there. At least I didn’t get a booking. That was the only good thing about it.

Hey, now you know how Arsenal feel every time that mentalist referees us.

Stay Classy Chelsea

I know what it means to be a supporter. I know that for many of us our heroes can do no wrong. But John Terry is a despicable human being and the love he got from the fans on Sunday and the support he’s getting from his manager at Chelsea is just… well… gross. Could you imagine the outrage in the British Press if Cesc slept with Nasri’s girlfriend and Wenger had the temerity to say this:

My captain has a fantastic attitude and is doing very well every game. For Arsenal, he is the perfect captain for sure. For the team, it is very important to have this leadership. He really has a strong mentality.

Yeah, he’s so strong he was able to overcome the lure of his teammate and friend’s girlfriend.

Seriously, I’d love it, just love it, if the Tony Cascarino’s of this world would stop moaning like a fucking drain about Arsene Wenger for 5 minutes and take a look at Chelsea, as a club. The most despicable pack of cnuts ever assembled. EVER.

Wired Goonah

Idris Elba is a Goonah. I’ve noticed that you Brits seem to love the American television show “The Wire.” I don’t know why this seems so fascinating to you, but then again, I like Red Dwarf and that’s, like, soooo 1980s Britain so who am I to judge? Anyway, some dude from some television show which I don’t watch is a Goonah.

I wonder which kind of Arsenal supporter he is? Is he the kind who complains that Arsenal have had NO TROPHY FOR FIVE YEARS, and who ignores the blogs when Arsenal make an 11 point comeback to top the table but as soon as Arsenal suffer a dip in form calls everyone “fucktards” for not listening to his sage advice and gleefully pronounces how RIGHT he is that one of the 20 shitty things he predicted would come true, because the odds are pretty good that if you say 20 shitty things one of them will come true because a team will suffer some shitty setbacks in a season, and then goes on to say that Arsenal needs to fire Wenger because he’s lost the plot for not buying Huntelaar the greatest striker in the history of EA Sports and that he has lost the plot and basically needs to get the Bolton team in our side, you know, to “add spine?”

Or is he got something other than shiat for brains? [Passe en Profondeur]

Sneezy gives a good interview

You should watch this too, the young man is articulate, intelligent, and looks to be a hell of a keeper.

And finally…

Want a good match report for Sunday’s game from a Goonah who bleeds red? [Goonerholic]