By Tim Todd, donut without a hole
Al: Oh, this is Anfield, huh? A lovely stadium. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.
Al: And this kid Sterling? Nice kid, great looking kid. Now I know why tigers eat their young.
Al Czervik: (dancing with Brendan Rodgers) You’re a great manager, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
Tottenham Fan: I want a beefburger. No, cheeseburger. I want Champions League football. I want to finish above Arsenal. I want to keep Harry Kane this summer
Arsene Wenger: You’ll get nothing, and like it!
Carl Spackler: The grass at Wembley is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 90 minutes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.
Steven Gerrard: [as he misses a chance at goal in the dying minutes of an FA Cup semi-final, a goal which would have seen him play in the FA Cup final at Wembley on his birthday] OH, RAT FART!
Roberto Mancini: Tevez, get dressed you’re playing football.
Carlos Tevez: No I’m not grandpa I’m playing tennis.
Roberto Mancini: You’re playing football and you’re going to like it.
Carlos Tevez: What about my asthma?
Roberto Mancini: I’ll give you asthma.
Ty: Just be the ball Ramsey. Be the ball. Be the ball. You’re not being the ball, Ramsey
Ramsey: Well, it’s kinda hard with you talking in my ear like that.
Ty: Ok.. just… be the ball.
[Ramsey kicks the ball]
Ramsey: where’d it go?
Ty: Into the lumberyard.
Porterhouse: [watching Newcastle play football, turns to his friends] 50 bucks that Steven Taylor kid picks his nose.
Friends: [you got it, you're on]
Porterhouse: [encouraging Taylor as his finger slowly makes its way toward his nostril] come on kid, that’s it, take your time… [Taylor picks his nose] YEAH!
Friends: [grumbling as they pay the bet]
Lou: Hey, another 50 says he eats it.
Friends: [you got it, you're on. They turn back to watch Taylor contemplate the booger on his finger]
Don’t do it.. come on kid, you can do it… [Steven Taylor eats his booger]
YEAH! Ha ha, what a pig.
Maggie O’Hooligan: Samir Nasri? He’s been plucked more times than the Rose of Tralee, biggest whore on 5th avenue I’ve heard.
Al: [Sees West Ham's third, purple kit hanging in a store] Oh hey, nice kit, I bet you buy a kit like that and you get a free bowl of soup!
[looks over and sees Alex Song in the third kit]
Oh, looks good on you though!
Carl Spackler: A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? Arsene Wenger, himself. Three time League champion, five time FA Cup winner. The big puffy goose down jacket that looks like a sleeping bag, the grace, grey hair… striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, Arsene Wenger – long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what Arsene Wenger says? “If you eat caviar every day it’s difficult to return to sausages.” So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Wenger, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive two season tickets to Highbury, in heaven.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.
Carl: Yaya Sanogo stands on the penalty spot. This crowd has gone deadly silent. He’s got about 11 meters, looks like he’s going to go straight down the middle. Its a Cinderella story. Outa nowhere. Former greengrocier. About to become an FA Cup champion. It looks like a miracle! It’s in the net!
Al: [sees Smails about to tee off] hey Smails, I bet you a pair of match tickets to Arsenal-Chelsea, that’s over $1000, that you slice.
Smails: touting is illegal in England, SIR, and I NEVER slice.
Al: Hey, you can owe me!
Judge Smails: It’s easy to grin
When your ship comes in
And you’ve got the transfer market beat
But the man worthwhile
Is the man who can smile
When Coquelin returns from loan, plays amazing in the DM spot, and Arsenal go on a 10 game win-streak.
James Beattie: [from inside the showers, hears someone, assumes it's his manager Tony Pulis] Tony, will you come loofah my stretch marks?
Mesut Ozil: [sees Alexis Sanchez for the first time as he strides into the club] Madonna with meatballs.
What… you wanted to talk about Gibbs, and rotation, and why Wenger didn’t play Monreal and Bellerin? Ugh. That stuff is dreadfully boring. Besides, I already talked about that on the Arsenal Review USA podcast – give that a listen tonight and you can hear me complain about Gibbs being 80 yards out of position constantly while pretending that I’m not complaining about Gibbs being out of position constantly.