Malaga to Bendtner: Malaga are no longer interested in Nicklas Bendtner due to his “character”.
Subtext: Even Malaga, who have sold leading goalscorer Isco and let their second and third leading scorers (Roque Santa Cruz and Javier Saviola), are not desperate enough to take Nicklas Bendtner.
Bendtner to Malaga: I have more character than anyone in this world! I am bigger than Malaga. I am the biggest thing since underpants. I am bigger than crack cocaine! Anyone have any crack? I haven’t tried that yet, I bet if I smoked crack I would make crack high!
Subtext: I am terrified of success and will continue to sabotage my career, my love life, and my fatherhood playing a plastic Bukowski with drugs, alcohol, and adolescent behavior so that when I amount to nothing I can blame something external for my failures.
Frankfurt to Bendtner: We will take you, for real cheap, plus a paycut.
Subtext: We really are this desperate for a forward that we will take Nicklas Bendtner. It was either Bendtner or this cloud of angry bees. We figured Bendtner would sting us less and might score a goal or two.
Florentino Pérez on Higuain: I see that there are reports that Arsenal have bid €30m for Luis Suarez. I also hear that Higuain has agreed to terms with Arsenal. Real Madrid have not received any bid from Arsenal, not €27m, for Gonzalo Higuain.
Subtext: HAHAHHAHA! Since someone somewhere made the report that you bid on Suarez we will use that to sow seeds of doubt in Higuain’s mind over whether you are serious about taking him! Also, we will take €27m for Higuain!
ULISES SÁNCHEZ-FLOR on Higuain: “If Arsenal really want Higuain, why has it not made a similar offer to Real Madrid as it did for Luis Suárez?”
Subtext: As far as I can tell, this quote was made up by 101 Great Goals. The last time Sanchez-Flor wrote about Higuain was to say that Arsenal had bid €30m on the player.
Higuain on leaving Real Madrid: ”No one has gifted me anything. I have had to fight for everything,” he said. “I want to go somewhere where they really want me.”
Subtext: Arsenal… seriously. Don’t screw this up. The kid just wants to be loved, like everyone else. He’s one of a handful of people who have scored 107 league goals for Real Madrid, he’s played in every position that he’s been asked to play in, he’s bided his time, he’s suffered the indignity of having a president who clearly preferred Karim Benzema, a manager who is an ego-maniac, and having to play along side Christiano Ronaldo. You’re going to have to pay extra for this guy and you know what? He might even fail. But there really aren’t that many forwards in his quality range left in the world. So, just push the boat out a little. Take a chance.
Look at it this way: if you fail to get Higuain, you’re going to get blamed; if you get Higuain, pay too much for him, and he fails, you’re going to get blamed; but Higuain cannot possibly succeed at Arsenal if he’s at Real Madrid; ergo, the only way to succeed is to get him, thus you pay the extra.
As a bonus, think of that €30m as a down payment on Real Madrid landing Gareth Bale.
David Villa going to Atletico Madrid: “FC Barcelona and Atletico de Madrid have reached an agreement in principle for the transfer of the player David Villa to the Madrid club.”
Subtext: David Villa went to Atletico Madrid, despite the fact that Tottenham outbid them by a reported €5m, because Atletico has Champions League football. Suck it, Tottenham.
Aston Villa on Benteke handing in his transfer request: “Having received his transfer request, we have also informed him that should we receive an offer within an appropriate time frame during pre-season which meets our valuation we would act upon it. But he will remain a Villa player should this not happen.”
Subtext: Benteke joined Aston Villa 11 months ago, had a decent season in which he showed flashes of both brilliance and dullness, and now that he’s “Premier League tested” he and his agent are going to cash in. He will not remain a Villa player. He will play for Tottenham next year where his constant offsides, mental red cards, and occasionally brilliant goals will be the perfect replacement for the outgoing Emmanuel Adebayor.