Pros: Christian Benteke took the footballing world by storm two years ago when he scored several goals for Aston Villa. How many goals? 19! He followed that season up with a lacklustre 10 goals haul. But if you’ve ever watched Benteke play you know that scoring goals isn’t really what he does best: it’s winning headers.
Won 229/403 aerial duels last season, 8.8 per game. Attempted 15.5 aerial duels per game, that’s like an aerial duel every 5 minutes. Slightly better at winning aerials than Giroud (56% v. 52%). Imagine a battering ram, on a pogo stick, that’s Christian Benteke.
Cons: People say he can dribble but in two years at Aston Villa he has only completed 40 total dribbles. Giroud has 36, so that makes Benteke four times more dribbly! Another con is that he’s injured. He may be back next month.
Pros: I have a soft spot for Bony. Wait. No. I have a hard… ummm… I like Bo.. Bony is good. Bony also wins headers even if he is only 5’3″ — he’s like the Spud Webb of winning headers. Remember Spud Webb? Spud Webb can still dunk at age 47. I can barely dunk a donut.
Bony wins a lower percentage of aerial duels than Benteke (42%) but scored the same number of headed goals, 5, last season. He’s also a better dribbler than Benteke, completing 24 in his first season at Swansea.
Has a £20m release clause. Which makes buying him a snap.
Has to play in the ACN and the qualifiers, which means that he will be out for most of January. Why is this a pro? Because that’s when Giroud will come back.
Also, his manager calls him a hard worker: “We saw a very good Wilfried last season but with the work ethic he has and what we’re trying to do I think he can be even better this year. If he listens to what we’re telling him – and he does, because he’s a great guy and a great person to work with – you’ll see a better Bony.”
Cons: turns the ball over a lot, not great at picking out teammates with his passes. Actually, a lot like Giroud.
Pros: Scored 7 headed goals. But apart from his aerial ability, whenever I’ve seen him play, I’ve actually been impressed with his touch. He has good touch for a big man. Which is exactly what I say any time I see Andy Carroll play.
Speaking of Andy Carroll, I have this weird way of remembering names where I make their name into a spoonerism. So Gary Cahill is Cary Gahill, Andy Carroll is Candy Arroll, Jack Wilshere is Wack Jilshere. The problem is that this only works for English guys. Try it with Stefan Kiessling… see?
What else is good about him? Let’s see… won 12 aerial duels in his first game this season, had 5 dribbles, committed 7 fouls… and he has done this kind of thing for years at Bayer Leverkusen.
Cons: Can someone explain to me why this guy, who has averaged 19 goals a season for the four yeas he was healthy at Bayer, who wins a ton of headers, who can dribble, who can pass, who creates for teammates… can someone tell me why he’s not been picked up by a club like Liverpool? Or anyone? There must be something wrong with him. I’ve heard its his attitude but that always ticks people off when I say it. Was left out of the German World Cup winning team.
Another con is that he’s as tall as Peter Crouch but has never shown any ability to do the robot.
Pros: he was good at scoring goals two years ago. Had the number one hit in 1985 with Rock me Amadeus.
Cons: Literally not good at anything except scoring goals. I suppose that’s not a bad thing to be good at if you’re a striker. But if you’re looking for a player who can hold the ball up and bring teammates into the game, who can take on an opponent, and who can pass, Falcao is not that guy.
Monaco are flogging him harder than Dominic Loricatus after a long day’s penance and yet I’ve heard that taking him on loan would cost Arsenal £20m. That’s What Bony would cost. No way Arsene does this deal.
Pros: Weapons master, procurement specialist, tis a laird of the Scottish highlands, rubs elbows with sheikhs and oligarchs, silver head reflects light into the eyes of opponents. Probably incredibly good at winning headers but I have never seen him play football.
Cons: Not sure Cobra will let him go for cheap. Has a taste for the finer things. Tends to run away when the fight gets tough. Totally in love with the Baroness.
There is no way that Arsenal are signing the guy from Roma so I’m assuming we are going after Destro from G.I. Joe.
Pros: like a new signing! Free! Runs around a lot. Good at being annoying to the opposition. Already plays for Arsenal. Did I mention that he’s free? Huge upside.
Cons: hasn’t scored a goal for Arsenal, because the quad trick he scored in the Emirates Cup doesn’t count.