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T-minus 11 days

Disclaimer: The following blog contains lame attempts at humor, some of which will stretch the boundaries of reality and may even contain factual errors. Studies have shown that due to the occasional missed fact this blog may have the following side effects: headaches, diarrhea, vomiting, blindness in one eye, correctism, Eboueism, lazy vein syndrome, and acne. If after reading this column you have the overwhelming urge to comment about a mistake the writer made, or an erection that lasts for more than three hours, please seek immediate medical attention.

As I was cruising thought this morning’s “news” I saw an article from the dot com about something something Emirates cup. Like, get to know Valencia or whoever we’re playing, who cares, right? So, looking for a scoop I sauntered over there and took a look at the fixtures list — when is this Emirates Cup, this glorious trophy that Arsenal have won two years in a row now once [who knew people took the Emirates Cup so serious? ed.], this trophy that’s at least as important as the Charity Shield, twice as meaningful as the Club World Cup, and easily traded for a cabinet full of League Cups, I wondered?

Hmmm… August.

Then I noticed it, and it sent a little tingle through my system, July 18th, that’s when Arsenal play Barnet in the first pre-season match! That’s uhhhh, just 11 days from now!

I can’t wait, get some sausages, a beer, and sit down at 7am to watch some pixellated web video of an Arsenal friendly against Barnet, those pesky bees. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll do something else that day, like I said, it was just a minor tingle.

If you really want to get excited, there’s a pictorial of the boys all training together over at the dot com. There’s Thomas Rosicky (yay!), Eduardo (double yay!!), new kid Vermaelen, Andrei Arshavin, some big dude, and Phillipe Senderos. Yes, big Phil is back training with the squad and though he ominously doesn’t have a squad number yet, I’m sure he figures in Arsene’s plans. Right?

Anyway, the transfer line has gone completely dead and I am choosing to believe that’s because Arsenal are deep in negotiations with Lorik Cana to bring him to the club. As I twitted yesterday, L’Equipe are reporting that l’OM have signed M’Bia causing a three-apostrophe pile-up on Google Reader and clearing the way for Cana to sign with some as-yet-unnamed club. Given the fact that Fiorentina are asking £21.5m for Melo while Cana’s buy out is a mere £6.5m, I’m putting the odds on Cana coming to Arsenal.

Though the news is heavily running the Eboue plus cash for Melo story today.

IF we sign anyone else. There’s always that guy Likeanewsigning that Arsene keeps talking about.

Meanwhile, poor put upon Emmanuel Adebayor seems to have dropped from third place to fifth place in the AC Milan beauty pageant with the club now targeting Headcase Huntelaar, Fabulous Fabiano, and the Apostrophul E’t'o’o”’ over him. In fact, Adebayor isn’t even being mentioned, by anyone, except me. I guess this means that he’s not going anywhere? I don’t know, he’s not in any of the training pictures.  I have a bad feeling this is all going to end sadly for Ade.

One of the questions I get most often on here is “why aren’t we being linked with Veloso?” or some variant thereof. Just this morning, I noticed that he’s now being linked to Bolton and Aston Villa. I’m not saying he’s a terrible player, but you have to wonder if he’s Arsenal quality. After all, he’s now being fought over by at least one club who’s idea of a good central midfielder is Kevin Nolan. And considering that all the big clubs have certainly had a good look at him and passed him by, again, you have to wonder if there isn’t an issue there.

And finally, as an American I would be violating some code of conduct if I didn’t mention the two American players who have just inked deals with big European clubs; Oguchi Onyewu and Anton Peterlin. The first one is a bit of a shock, Onyewu is tall and athletic, at the top of his game, but he’s never been overly impressive. I wish him the best of luck at AC Milan, just training with the quality of players that they have on that team is going to be the experience of a lifetime and who knows maybe he can break into the first team?

Anton Peterlin, on the other hand, is a complete Cinderella story — I mean Goal! story. This is a kid who plays holding midfield for a 4th division American club and who somehow got on David Moyes radar and earned a contract with Everton. I don’t think it happens very often that a club as big as Everton dips into amateur development leagues and signs guys, so, as a good American I’ll be rooting for the underdog to make it big. That is, if I see his name ever again.

That’s it for today, see you tomorrow, where we will be just 10 days away from an Arsenal match!

I wish The Sun would just die in a fire

Well, the Sun is back with more stuff they either simply make up or they let others make up for them and report it as fact.

Tiring of the Arshavin to Barca story, today they claim that an “Arsenal Insider” told them that Arsenal would sell Cesc for £40m. Sigh… the only thing interesting about this story is the fact that they can’t say “Cesc wants to go to Real Madrid” because he’s categorically denied wanting to leave like, what, three times already this month? So, instead they just switch to “the club would sell if the price is right.” Of course the club would consider selling if the price was right AND the player wanted to move on.

But saying that is a far cry from “Arsenal slap £40m price-tag on Cesc.” He’s not for sale, they haven’t slapped anything on anyone, though I’d like to see them slap The Sun.

Maybe next year might be different, Wenger himself has admitted that, but this year, right now, everyone, EVERYONE is committed to this team and this project.

Full Stop.

The only other news stories are that Lorik Cana is NOT transferring to Wolfsburg and that Real Madrid have admitted that they need to sell. The Cana story is really interesting for a couple of reasons.  First, his manager (and dad) admits that he’s looking to leave l’OM but he’s just waiting for his replacement to sign first. That replacement is supposedly none other than supposed Arsenal/Newscastle/Everton target Stephane M’Bia. So, anyway, that’s all well and fine, but the other interesting statement is that l’OM only want £6.5m for Cana. I don’t know about you but I find that price tag incredibly cheap for a player of his stature.

Also, I just want to admit that I am now personally targeting Lorik Cana for Arsenal for the following reasons: he’s a male model and we haven’t had one of those since Freddy Ljungberg left, he’s played with Samir Nasri before, and in the photograph above you can see that he’s not all brawn and beauty, he has a soft side — cradling grown men in his arms as they weep gently on his shoulder.

All that for just £6.5m? Come on!

The second story is obvious, Real Madrid have a squad of some 35 players as it stands and with more players expected to come in (LIKE CESC, AMIRIGHT???) they are saying that they need to sell 10 players. So, in the spirit of The Sun’s journalism I’m going to make something up:

ARSENAL SLAP THE TASTE OUT OF CALDERON’S MOUTH WITH £10m PLUS EBOUE’S RIGHT LEG FOR DANI PAREJO.

Sources inside 7amkickoff spoke exclusively to 7amkickoff and revealed that Arsenal are making a shock bid for 20 year old 6’1″ 76kg U21 Spanish International Dani Parejo. Our source said “well, he had a great loan spell at Queens Park Rangers and that’s “like a Premiership Team” so we think he would be a great addition to this Arsenal team, in fact he would be ‘like a new signing.’  That is, if we can’t get Lorik Cana to do some underwear modeling for us first. Also, if we can’t get Melo in Yellow. Though we’ll be wearing blue as an away kit next year so that joke doesn’t make any sense.” When we attempted to contact Dani Parejo he was unavailable for comment though another source inside 7amkickoff said “honey, are you almost done with the blog? I need you to take out the trash.” And we all know what THAT means!

Oh god, please let there be news tomorrow, real, honest to goodness news.

We're entering another dimension…

There’s nothing going on today.

The 3rd place match for the most important trophy in the history of world sport won’t kick off until 5:30am PST tomorrow and the finals won’t be until 11am PST so I’m stuck here trolling the internet for rumor, innuendo, hell, even something made up would be nice. Unfortunately, it’s dead out there. Well, there’s a one paragraph interview with Arsene Wenger on L’Equipe (in French) in which he gives a world exclusive insight into the “Arsenal way.” Uhhh, basically, he says that he didn’t go to Real Madrid because Arsenal are entering another dimension, where time stands still, door open, and Arsenal win a Champions League trophy with a bunch of teenagers.

It’s really fantastic.

Meanwhile, anyone who has been linked to Arsenal pretty much ever is now saying that they won’t be coming in. Yaya signed a 1 year extension with Barca which should stave off the Yaya to Arsenal speculation at least until January. I updated the Players who didn’t sign for Arsenal page, don’t make me edit it again!

Felipe Melo is the other oft speculated about player and his agent is saying that he’s happy at Fiorentino, which is good because I don’t want the bugger. Well, I’ll take anyone that Arsene signs, but I haven’t seen anything special from him… yet.  I’ll be watching him play against the USA tomorrow (if he gets a start, his teammates were pissed at him the other day) and I’ll write about the final match on Monday. Meanwhile, tomorrow’s blog will be a recap of the 3rd place match — if Cesc plays.

Like I said, there’s not much going on today, so in the time honored tradition of all “reporters” I’m going to make shiat up!

Taking a page from Wenger’s entering another dimension, today’s made up story is part fantasy, part reality, and it’s called “Who should Arsene Wenger buy from the U21 tournament?”

Basically, we all know that Wenger isn’t going to buy experience. We also know that he’s looking for a bargain. So, who better to pick up than some kids who shine at the U21s?

You’re traveling through another dimension — a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That’s a signpost up ahead: your next stop: the u21  Zone!

Tim Sparv: Solid defensive midfielder who has shown leadership qualities as the Finnish U21 captain. He’s also almost 2 meters tall and showed great promise in the air when he scored a header for Finland against England in their 2-1 loss. Tim Sparv is also reportedly a “good boy” which Wenger prizes highly, and he speaks impeccable English having been a roommate with Theo Walcott at Sothhampton.  Throw in the fact that he’s out of contract with his club Halmstad and he could be lured to Arsenal for dirt cheap.  Chance of this happening? 11/10, a no name youthful player, who hasn’t been linked to Arsenal in the press? This is a done deal!

Marco Andreolli: What? You mean you’ve never head of him either? He’s a tallish, solid Italian defender who has good heading instincts. He’s formed a relatively effective partnership in defense for Italy and caught the eye of many scouts. He’s currently on loan to Roma and isn’t getting much playing time behind their starting lineup. Chance of this happening? 3/10, he’s got many of the qualities that Arsene looks for but he’s Italian and I don’t remember the last time an Italian came to Arsenal.

Fabrice Muamba: Muamba’s the kind of player that one day has a great game and the next he struggles. Over the last few matches for England, however, he’s been massively impressive earning man of the match plaudits from his coach (he didn’t win them from the awarders though!). Though he may lack the passing range that Arsene is looking for there is no doubt that his tackling and heading would add a ton of steel to our young team. Chance of this happening? 5/10. Wenger has maintained for like 100 years that he’s never going to re-buy a player he let go, which would normally mean this is a 1/10, but Wenger has the capacity to surprise some times and I could honestly see him bringing Muamba in.

So, there you go, I made some stuff up. What do you all think? Who has impressed you this summer? Make some stuff up youself below — it’s fun!