Biting is a natural stage of development that many players go through. Players will sometimes become tired and agitated and with limited ability to communicate will react with a lack of self control. FIFA referees are encouraged to tell players to “use their words” if they become aware of any impending aggressive physical conduct like biting.
Despite our best intentions, sometimes biting occurs during an argument with a player from PSV. Sometimes biting will occur when a player becomes frustrated with Branislav Ivanovich a Chelsea player well known for being frustrating. And sometimes biting will occur with the eyes of the world watching at a World Cup Match for no reason other than the fact that the player is have a poor match. In the event of the latter it is often the case that the player who bites will fall to the ground and clutch his teeth, feigning injury to himself.
FIFA would like to assure parents, children, the British media, the Uruguayan media, and the infirm that we take biting seriously. FIFA’s main goal in any biting incident is to protect both players from further harm. In order to accomplish that goal FIFA referees will take the following steps if they witness a biting incident:
- FIFA referees are instructed to use their “daddy voice” and firmly tell the player “NO BITING.”
- The bitten player will be comforted. Given an ice cream cone and calmed down.
- The biter will be removed from the situation with a red card and given something soothing to do while in the locker room waiting for their teammates to finish the match. Something like playing with choo choo trains.
Should the FIFA referee not see the incident, FIFA shall appoint a governing committee to open an investigation into the incident. This committee will review video evidence, gifs, memes, shoops, Reddit forums, 4-Chan, and parody blog posts like this one.
FIFA would like to remind everyone that it is completely normal for the families of the victims and families and friends of the biter to overreact to a biting incident.
Often, the biter’s family will become immediately defensive and call the victim names like “snitch” and offer threats like “snitches get stitches” and “Chiellini needs to sack up, yo, and take it like a man. His team lost, bro, that’s the only reason why he’s crying like a little baby.” The biter’s family will also almost always deny that the bite actually occurred. “He fell on to my son’s teeth” is an excuse heard on pitches all over the world.
The victim’s family also needs to calm down. First off, and let’s be honest here, your kid is no angel. Chiellini is the kind of player who left his foot in on a tackle with Robin van Persie. A tackle Martin Keown called “a reducer”. Ok? And suggestions that Suarez should be banned for life or put into prison are quite far off the mark. FIFA isn’t even sure we can actually ban him from domestic duty much less “ban him from playing football for life” as many have suggested and sending people to jail is not something FIFA does. Except when we did that one time in South Africa.
FIFA would like to assure everyone that we are committed to rehabilitating the biter. His behavior should be redirected into something more constructive. And we recommend teaching the biter to use his words and improve his communications skills when frustrated so that incidents like this don’t happen a fourth, fifth, or sixth time.
It’s ok, everyone, we’re FIFA, we got this. We will let you all know what punishment the biter will get, if any.
Did Arsenal “dodge a bullet” with Suarez? Yes because I think everyone saw this coming. He was so unapologetic about all of his previous behavior that it was obvious he had no remorse for his transgressions. In fact, if anything, his constant blame shifting indicates a victim’s mentality. It’s our fault that Luis acts like this. And yes again if FIFA can somehow make the FA (or whatever FA he is governed by next year) impose a domestic ban. This incident further tarnishes a player who is now starting to look like damaged goods. This reduces his transfer value and any further transgressions (there will be more!) will be punished ruthlessly by the Football Association if he stays in England. Liverpool have made their bed and now they have to lie in it, with Suarez. And he bites.
Lost in all of this is that Suarez was having a terrible match. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: it seems his m.o. that in big matches he loses it. He doesn’t play particularly well, his scoring record against top clubs last year was dreadful, and he occasionally goes “full Suarez” and commits a racism, bites someone, or just flops around on the pitch like a fish out of water.
Also lost in all this is the fact that Mario Balotelli had a shoddy World Cup, culminating in one of the worst performances of his career in this match against Uruguay. Watching Ciro Immobile (the most apt of aptronyms) trundle around up front for Italy it was painfully obvious why Italy picked Balotelli to start. Watching Balotelli play for three games in a half-hearted, third-rate, way it was also as painfully obvious why Italy couldn’t score. What a real shame this young man’s career has become and it’s no surprise that Wenger has ruled out Balotelli coming to Arsenal. I wouldn’t be surprised if Arsenal were running the rule over him at this World Cup and decided that the player would never live up to his talent.
Now, Arsenal fans can go back to hoping that Arsenal buy Sanchez off Barcelona! It seems unlikely that Barcelona will continue to pursue a Suarez for Sanchez swap. Good, because Sanchez has been excellent at this World Cup: he shows all of the fire of a player like Suarez and none of the bite. Hopefully, Arsenal can take some of that money we earned from the brilliant bit of business with Carlos Vela and Real Sociedad and parlay that into a world class player like Sanchez.