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The EPL’s Dirty Dozen, 2010

These are the twelve players, managers, or referees who are the dirtiest, most despicable, condemnable people in the Premier League this year, as I saw it.

#12, Tony Pulis

Tony Pulis might seem like a strange choice at first glance but hear me out on this one. This is the guy who allegedly got into a fist fight with one of his players over a Christmas party (James Beattie), who’s team is now allegedly fighting on the training  ground, and who manages a player who is a serial leg breaker (Shawcross). Moreover, his entire coaching nous can be summed up with the song “you’ll get a throw in a minute” and his post-match press conferences are basically half an hour of him moaning about everything from the other managers, to the referees, to the press, to the tea lady. As despicable as Sam Allardyce is, Tony Pulis has him in a headlock this year and that’s good enough for the 12th spot.

#11, Steven Pienaar Karl Henry

Have you ever seen this guy play? He’s only 5’3″ or so but he’s an absolute wrecking ball! In the February Merseyside Derby he probably should have been sent off three times but somehow escaped the ire of Martin Atkinson — likely because Martin was otherwise indisposed dealing with all the other argy bargy that was going on.

After several people pointed out what a despicable player Karl Henry was in our meeting with Wolves this year I decided to change Pienaar for Henry. Here’s the video evidence, decide for yourself:

1) Here is where he stamped on Theo Walcott:

2) Here’s the tackle on Rosicky which earned him a red card. Please note the stud marks on Rosicky’s leg…

Indefensible.

#10, Lorik Cana

Not quite top of the disciplinary table, nor even top of the fouls table, still, the Algerian Albanian cum Sunderland destroyer has certainly left his stud marks on the Premier League in his very first season. Interestingly, he’s only gotten 1 red card this season which was actually kind of a harsh call. His two-footed lunge on Eboue in February should have been a straight red but only got a yellow, probably because he was tackling an Arsenal man and as we all know “they don’t like it up em.”

#9, Javier Mascherano

Speaking of the Merseyside Derby, dirty doesn’t quite capture the play of “Monster Mash” in that game nor the season. In that blood and guts Merseyside Derby, Mascherano miraculously escaped a booking, despite the fact that he instigated most of the trouble. He consistently tops the lack of discipline table and has taken the number one spot this year. For that alone, he deserves a shout out and the number 9 spot on the list.

#8, Kevin Cyrill Davies

Kevin Davies, who has led the league in fouls 5 of the last 6 seasons, is back on top this year with a 21 foul lead over his nearest competitor, Tim Cahill. Congratulations Kevin, you’re number 8. Even at what he does best (fouling) he still only manages mid-table mediocrity.

#7, Steven Hunt

Every time, LITERALLY, every time he gets near a goal keeper, he’s a danger to that keeper’s life. Fortune has prevented him from killing anyone this year, but it’s not like he hasn’t tried!

#6, Wayne Rooney

Dirty diving cheat who makes seemingly xenophobic statements about how he doesn’t dive because he’s English, in spite of the long list of evidence that Wayne Rooney is, in fact, a serial diver. Let’s set aside the fact that he dived against Arsenal to win a penalty back in August, that might have been questionable. This dive against Villa, was not:


Rooney La Plongeuse – The funniest movie is here. Find it

Let’s see, Man U is losing, Rooney is frustrated, he gets near the box, he dives like Greg Louganis. Typical. The only thing atypical is that the referee gave him a yellow card. Doesn’t he know that Rooney is an England star who plays for United? No? I’m sure Fergie will have a word with him after. You know, to re-educate him.

#5, Liam Ridgewell

As much as I like to piss and moan about players like Loric Cana, Liam Ridgewell is actually a brutal tackler. Don’t believe me? Here’s just two from this year alone:

1) Takes out the referee and the player and gets none of the ball — note that he also doesn’t get called for a foul and further note that the FA takes no retroactive action against him for this horrific challenge:

2) Same thing as above but this time on Theo Walcott and at least he gets some of the ball. The thing is, this is a red card tackle even though he wins the ball because in order to win the ball he must use excessive force and take the man.


Ridgewell on Walcott, Arsenal V Birmingham, 17th Oct – Funny blooper videos are here

#4, Lee Bowyer

How, exactly, a player like Lee Bowyer has been able to keep playing after his catalog of offenses is one of the miracles of the Premier League. Bowyer has already broken one leg, this season, and I’m sure that when Arsenal come to town McLeish will have a word with him about attending to Cesc Fabregas. I would hope that the FA would have a word with the match official about attending to Lee Bowyer.

7amkickoff.com “Dear English FA, these teams will try to break more Arsenal legs before the year is out .” The only reason he’s one slot above Ridgewell is that he actually broke someone’s leg this season.

#3, Crapenburg

The worst referee in the League, hands down. I’m not saying that he’s on the take or anything, but there has to be something that explains how he watched as Adebayor intentionally stamped on Robin van Persie’s face and didn’t even call a foul. Maybe he’s just got shit for brains?

#2, Emmanuel Adebayor

Enough said.

#1, Ryan Shawcross

Remember him? The c*nt who broke Aaron’s leg with an insane tackle that has no place in professional sports? Yeah, hands down the winner this year. Moreover, Aaron’s is the second leg he’s broken in Shawcross’ despicable career.

End of.

Honorable Mention

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention some of my favorite Fleet Street lickspittles.

The 2010 award for Consistent Wrongitude goes to Tony Cascarino. I mean, this is a guy who in his latest column compared Marouane Chamakh to “a poor man’s Christiano Ronaldo.” Saying that he has “the looks” of Ronaldo and already decrying Chamakh as a player who “goes to ground too easily.” Man, wait till he gets a load of that Rooney video, he’ll surely lay into him!

The 2010 award for Jesus Christ, How Does He Get Paid To Write This Crap goes to Jaime Redknapp for his column “Jamie Redknapp’s weekend watch: Unlucky break for Arsenal but Ryan Shawcross is not to blame.” How the fuck do you use a pun in that situation and not find yourself out of work the next day? You classless asshole.

And finally, the 2010 award for Somehow Managing to Write and Get Paid Despite Not Actually Having a Brain goes to Chris Waddle! Credit where credit is due, he did grow an amazing mullet.

Liveblogging Bolton v. Arsenal

Good day, just watching Milan dismantle the hapless Siena and catching up on some news stories before the Arsenal match. What do we have out there today?

Lessee… Well Flamini’s playing for Milan, looks pretty good out there. Of course with a midfield of Gattuso, Ronaldinho, and Beckham, I imagine it’s hard NOT to look good. But he’s doing the dirty work and that’s what we loved about him.

Reading through the other blogs this morning turns up some real gems. First there’s the Amy Lawrence column on the Chelsea win against Sunderland:

It was as if Steve Bruce sent out 11 cones.

And that pretty much sums that up. Seriously, despite missing their African core, Chelsea have an insanely easy schedule in January and I was banking on Sunderland to at least set out a real challenge. It didn’t help that Sunderland were missing VIII of their starting XI and that Lorik Cana was put in as a center half but irregardless their injuries it was a craven, nay quiescent, performance. Now the world hopes Chelsea slip up to one of Preston North End, Birmingham at home, and Burnley away. I say the world because no one outside of South London really wants to see Chelsea win the Premier League.

What’s going on at Liverpool? (via Arseblog’s twitter)

Cooking grits and stuff for breakfast, back in a minute!

Cheese grits down, man I’m glad I’m not a professional athlete. If you’re wearing an Arsenal shirt, which shirt are you wearing? Me, 2005 Cesc.

Lineups announced: Holy Crap! Eastmond gets a start at holding midfielder.

Arsenal: Almunia, Sagna, Gallas, Vermaelen, Traore, Fabregas, Eastmond, Diaby, Rosicky, Eduardo, Arshavin
Subs: Fabianski, Vela, Silvestre, Clichy, Merida, Coquelin, Emmanuel-Thomas

Bolton: Jaaskelainen, Steinsson, Cahill, Knight, Robinson, Lee, Muamba, Cohen, Taylor, Klasnic, Kevin Cyrill Davies
Subs: Al Habsi, Elmander, Gardner, Mark Davies, Ricketts, McCann, Andrew O’Brien

Eastmond is a real shock there. What do you all think? From what I’ve seen he’s been both up and down but this is a huge test against a very committed opponent. Personally, I’m worried.

Nasri pulled a muscle in training. Ugh. This team pulls more muscles than I have ever seen. I know a lot of folks talked about strengthening the team and have bemoaned the lack of depth but just look at the injuries to key positions. At center mid we’re missing Song, Ramsey, Nasri, and Denilson. How, exactly, are you supposed to plan for that?

Gallas with a word to Eastmond before kickoff “go out and have fun, son?”

1′ — Arsenal’s defense is a huge disaster already, WTF…

3′ — Traore way out of position on that last chance. And let’s not forget that Kevin Davies basically took Vermaelen out on the first. Still, harrowing stuff.

5′ — Fabregas with Arsenal’s first shot, just wide. Everyone getting involved, good stuff.

7′ — Great play, Eastmond, to Arshavin, to Jesus, to Eduardo. All cutting through the middle of the park and nearly opening the Bolton defense. The final ball was just a little too quick for Eduardo. Eddy’s looking VERY sharp up front. I bet he scores on his first shot.

12′ — Eduardo slots in a perfect pass, Cesc one-touches it away from Jaskellainennen and is hauled down. That is a stonewall penalty. Stonewall. If shit-for-brains didn’t see the foul then why wasn’t Cesc booked for diving?

16′ — Nothing comes from Almunia’s poor handling, and Traore is absolutely getting abused for the second game on the trot.

22′ — Almunia with a bog-average save after some good attacking by Bolton. Still huge, gaping, holes down the left side of the Arsenal defense.

25′ — More keeper problems as Almunia and Gallas have no communication and Alumnia gets an icy stare from the French center half. Arsene moves Arshavin to the left and it results in a shot, that might keep our left side quiet.

27′ — Good tackle Eastmond, clatter Davies with the next, son.  Eastmond looks pretty good so far, he’s calmed my early nerves I have to say.

29′ — Amazing 1-2 between Eduardo and Fabregas nets the captain his 10th League goal. One-nil to the Arsenal and well deserved. Keep your eyes on the prize boys.

32′ — EASTMOND! His shot is cleared off the line, so close to 2-0.

35′ — Bolton showing their only talent, kicking players. After Taylor leaves his shin in on Cesc’s head (who deserved ANOTHER penalty), Cesc is running away and there’s a red-card tackle from behind on the Arsenal captain. Which gets a yellow from Dowd.

37′ — Rosicky, the enforcer, picks up a yellow after tackling Kalsnich who had just gotten done kicking Diaby over. It’s gotten very tetchy.

42′ — Vermaelen… off side. Uh…. lol? I also want to mention that Almunia made a decent save, that was between lots of legs there.

43′ — Real chance blown there as Eduardo’s touch lets him down and Cesc is just off with his final touch. Action insanely fast now.

45′ — Let off for Arsenal as Klasslessnitch can’t finish.

Half Time — Fiery affair up north, but then we always knew that it would be that type of game: it’s pretty much all that the Bolton players know how to do. Arsenal robbed of two stonewall penalty chances, but then we always knew that we weren’t going to get any more penalties: the refs have clearly been instructed to deny Arsenal penalties after the Daily Mail’s anti-Arsenal campaign. The good news so far is that Eastmond is doing pretty well in the middle, Arsenal are kicking lumps back into Notlob, and Cesc looks like he’s going to score a dozen today. The bad news is that Traore is out of position constantly and Bolton are raiding down the left side at will. Meanwhile the midfield is still looking vulnerable to getting pushed around, despite Diaby’s weight training regime. And the Ugly is… Almunia. He just scares the shit out of me. Back in a minute.

46′ — Second half under way.

49′ — Traore, out of position again, Lee down the left, puts in 2 good crosses. Wenger needs to sub Traore NOW.

52′ — Stienssen and Davies winning headers now and putting the back under pressure. It doesn’t help that Lee is free on EVERY PLAY. Almunia with a good save. SUB NOW.

54′ — Clichy warming up…

56′ — Announcers talking about Traore needing cover, someone to help him out. Bullshit, he needs to stop wandering all over the place and lock Lee down.

59′ — Robinson with as clear an obstruction as you will ever see knocks Cesc down in the box, third missed penalty that.

61′ — Another huge let off as Klasslessnitch misses a wide open goal.

63′ — Merida on for… Eastmond. Oh boy. Diaby to holding mid? BTW: I’m not counting that as a shot for Eduardo, he hasn’t had a shot yet as far as I’m concerned.

66′ — Bolton looking jaded, sitting back, concentration at the back is crucial now.

67′ — Our defenders haven’t scored since October, let’s get one… meh, not this time. Corners not good enough.

69′ — By the way that song that the Arsenal fans are singing goes:

He’s 5 foot 4
He’s 5 foot foouur!
We’ve got Arshavin
F*CK Adebayor!

74′ — LOL WUT? Clichy on… Rosicky off. McCann with a dangerous tackle on Cesc, followed by a tackle from behind on Merida. Free kick Arsenal. DEFENDER GOAL PLEASE! Vermaelen close…

77′ — Vermaelen with a yellow card for a handball from 1 yard. Poor decision there.

78′ — Eduardo with his second assist of the night, Merida with composure scores the second. Two more please!  Also check “The Centurions” sidebar…

82′ — Bolton pressuring, probably robbed as Merida tries a fancy dribble in front of the Arsenal back line. I want a goal for Eduardo and Arshavin, they’ve worked hard and deserve it.

84′ — EDUARDO, EDUARDO, EDUARDO… no goal for him as he is withdrawn for The Cult of Vela.

86′ — Ref sees that Cahill used his arm on Gallas’ face, calls the foul but no card. HOW IS THAT NOT DANGEROUS PLAY?

90′ — Jesus leaves for Gallas who doesn’t close, and Gardner sets up Taylor who couldn’t finish a cabinet right now. A cabinet? he couldn’t finish a soda…

90′ — @Tiki, Dowd couldn’t give two fucks about the rules, that’s clear.

Full Time — Last time Arsenal played back to back games against a new manager, returning to his old club mid way through the season was when Arsenal handed Kevin Keegod back to back 3-0 losses in 2008. Today, Arsenal showed that Bolton can change their manager all they like and they are still a bunch of talentless hacks who are bound for relegation. Considering the team they have and the way that Coyle left Burnley folks I’ve been talking to are hoping they are relegated.

The good, it’s been a lie for several years that Arsenal can’t play “oop norf” in the middle of Winter against teams which employ elbows as their sole tactic. Tony Cascarino repeated this lie just a few days ago and Arsenal once again shoved it down his Chelsea loving throat. Cesc was his usual brilliant self, literally creating time and space in the midfield while the two forwards in Eduardo and Arshavin worked very hard. After Eastmond was subbed Diaby did well in the holding role and even won a few headers. The boss too got his tactics spot on with the subs with Clichy adding a bit more grit to the left side and Merida a bit more creativity in the middle.

The bad, some nerves early on with Almunia but I thought he came back into the game late on.  Traore too had an absolute nightmare until Wenger brought on Clichy.

The ugly, I thought the ref was absolute crap but worse than him Arsenal were lucky on several occasions as Bolton showed that no matter how bad Arsenal play, they have absolutely no talent on that team. Good luck in the 2nd division in 2012.

Arsenal v. Bolton; Everyone’s Watching

The game in hand, the  snow, the polls, the closest title race in years, all are conspiring so that this is a Wednesday match that pretty much everyone is watching.

Unless you live in a cave, or Bolton, you probably already know all of the headlines: “Owen Coyle to take over Bolton,” “Arsenal to go within one point of Chelsea with a win today,” “Bolton to sell Gary Cahill to fund Owen Coyle transfer kitty,” and “Howard Webb to Instruct Kevin Cyrill Davies to Elbow Arsenal Players in the Head.”

You probably already know that stuff, so there’s no reason to re-hash it all. What I will hash, is the fact that yes, Howard Webb is today’s referee, Arsenal’s injury news, and the head-to-head records of these two clubs over the last few years.

First off, the old story is that Bolton are Arsenal’s “hoodoo” team. They like to get stuck in and we wilt like precious Alsacian mountain lilies. Except that hasn’t been true since 2006, back when Anelka scored a brace on Arsenal at Notlob. In fact, Bolton haven’t beaten Arsenal at home since 1994, when Owen Coyle (of all people) started and they managed a 3-1 win at the old Highbury.

Don’t get me wrong, Bolton still get stuck in, Kevin Davies alone has been booked 9 times against Arsenal, which by my calculations is about 9 times short of the number he probably should have gotten. So I fully expect Kevin Davies to put in numerous cheap elbows, a few stamps, some filthy tackles, his patented “fally downy draw a foul bullshit,” and tons of climbing on Arsenal defenders to win headers and then hold his hands up as if to say “what? me?” Former Arsenal student Fabrice Muamba will also try to boss the midfield, throwing his weight around and getting a yellow when needed.

They will be especially keen to impress new boss and former Bolton player, Owen Coyle so I expect the full argy bargy today: two slices of ham-fisted dirty cheating, Bolton players going over easy, with a side of toast-ed ankles, and erm, beans of something or another. And they have the perfect referee to let them do it too; Howard Webb.

Webb has calmed a bit on Arsenal since Adebayor left, but the scars of his refereeing past still shine brightly. Perhaps his most infamous display was when he let Chelsea kick a bunch of school children off the pitch in the Carling Cup final. That’s the one where he first sent Adebayor off for an “infraction” by Eboue which was really a Chelsea player feigning injury.

Howard Webb, like Mark Crapenburg, likes to give teams like Bolton the advantage in physical play. Let’s hope the Arsenal boys are on their toes and no one gets hurt by a rash Davies challenge. Gods know we don’t need any more injuries.

Speaking of injuries, the good news is that Arsenal will have Arshavin and Denilson back for this match. Arshavin has been deputizing well as our 5’4″ Center Forward though the boss is admitting that this is temporary duty and unless Bendtner gets his ass fit, Arsenal will be buying a big man to lead the line. Meanwhile Wenger has sorted out the Song spot and Denilson gets his baptism by fire today against a Bolton midfield and front line who will seriously test him.

That’s not to say that Arsenal won’t be up for the fight. Today’s match is this young team’s chance to announce their title credentials and I expect that we will see a very determined Arsenal side. In fact, given the snow and the cancellations of other matches, this is the only game today.  So, I expect a lot of folks around the world will be watching to see if Arsenal have the right stuff to win the league.

Do we? I think so, now go out there and prove us Gooners right.

UP THE ARSE!