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Barca v. Man U: 5 things you have not been told to look for yet


Messi doesn’t dive

Many column inches have been dedicated to the fact that “Messi doesn’t dive.” To a certain extent this is absolutely true; Messi doesn’t dive because when he has the ball the last thing he wants to do is stop play and take a free kick.

Think about it. When was the last time that you saw Messi lob a free kick in to the mixer for one of their big boys to head home? Never. They actually play the ball backwards on free kicks and short on corners.

You could consider that a back-handed compliment to Messi and it is intended that way. But the other reason he doesn’t dive is because he’s really, really, REALLY good. He’s so good that he knows if you’re diving in to stop him with a foul it means one less person to beat between him and the goal. He also knows that with a man down he’s got a far greater chance of scoring than if he went down and let you organize your defense for the free kick.

And finally, it’s not that Messi never dives, he just doesn’t dive where you expect him to. Diving is Messi’s last resort, when all else fails, he’ll go down like Wayne Rooney in a massage parlor, or Wayne Rooney at Old Trafford, or Wayne Rooney in the Champions League final at Wembley.

Oh Messi dives, he just uses it to his maximum advantage.

Wayne Rooney does dive

If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time you already know that Wayne “I have never intentionally dived” Rooney is a serial diver. If you’ve been reading this blog you will also know that he usually dives when United are behind. I’m expecting a 2-0 score line in the 75th minute, Wayne Rooney gets into the box and pulls a dive that would make Greg Louganis proud. I bet the grass barely even ripples.

Barcelona does dive, on defense

Trust me, we will talk about something other than cheating in a minute but since I expect that 60% of today’s game will be cheating I thought three sections on cheating would be appropriate.

Anyway, there’s a reason why Busquets, Pique and Alves are known for their diving: because that’s how Barcelona play defense. If they lose the ball and if they can’t recover the ball in the first few seconds, then the team will slip into defense where any 50-50 ball, any aerial challenge, any tackle, any non-tackle, any ball played near them, arm in the air, or if someone points a laser pen at them will immediately result in a man down on the field.

When Javier Signing of the Season Hernandez gets the ball or Rooney runs at Pique they will be exposed and their only recourse will be to feign injury. Mark my words.

You can’t guard him you can only hope to contain him

The temptation for many is to tell Man U to play Barcelona the way that they play Arsenal; sit back and hit them on the counter. And there’s a good chance that they might even do this seeing how they have dominated Arsenal in all competitions over the last five years.

But Barcelona is way beyond anything that Arsenal are doing both with and without the ball, plus they have a player who can turn a game on a dime. Arsenal pass well but Barcelona’s passing is slicker than cat shit through a tin horn. And when Arsenal lose the ball they tend to sit back but Barcelona press the ball harder than Big Pun erm, crushes a lot. And if those two things weren’t enough, they’ve got the best player I have ever seen, running defenses into ruins.

I’ve read a number of people I respect recommend that Man U man-mark Messi with Rio Ferdinand. Sure, that’s not a bad plan, if you don’t mind having your best defender in the center circle as Xavi, Villa and Iniesta carve Evra and Vidic to pieces. That’s if Ferdinand could keep up with Messi physically, which I don’t think he can do for more than 15 minutes or so.

In fact, I would say that man-marking Messi is exactly what Barcelona want teams to do. Barcelona thrive on imbalance and creating spaces where they can overload a team’s defense and the sight of Ferdinand flailing around in midfield trying to keep pace with the world’s best footballer would be a feast of imbalance and chaos upon which they would sup.

A better plan would be to man-mark everyone else and force Messi to beat you one-on-one. Which he would still do, but at least you’d have your dignity.

Who do I want to win?

This is a tough one.

I can’t stand Barcelona because their players cheat, they are classless, they are constantly tapping Cesc up, their supporters are smug gits, their motto is “More than a Club”, the whole club seems to get away with bloody murder at every turn, and Busquets is apparently a racist.

I also can’t stand Manchester United because their players cheat, they are classless, Evra has taken to tapping Nasri up, Wayne Rooney cheats on his wife, their supporters are smug gits, the whole club seem to get away with bloody murder at every turn, but at least they aren’t apparently racists.

This is a tough one… the club with the racist or the club without the racist?

You know, for once I’d like it if us fans could win. Why can’t we just see a good game of football fought by two teams who give everything to win the game and play like professional sportsmen?

So, if I were to wish for anyone to win it would be us, the fans. Unfortunately, I can’t see that happening.

Fire the torches and sharpen your pitchforks, FIFA allows FFA to use video evidence against “divers”

Wayne Rooney and other well documented serial divers may soon be spending several nervous days after every match looking over their shoulders. Earlier today, FIFA announced that they will not stand in the way of the Football Federation Australia (FFA) or any other football governing body who wishes to use video evidence to retroactively punish players for offenses that the referee either didn’t see or that the referee got wrong.

This all started last weekend when Sydney FC played Central Coast Mariners to a 1-1 draw. The Mariners’ Argentinian import Patricio Perez won a controversial penalty in the 73rd minute with the referee sending off Sydney keeper Liam Reddy for what he saw as a foul.  Perez put the penalty kick away and the teams finished the game at a draw.

That would hardly be the end of that.

After the match, keeper Reddy appealed to the FFAs Match Review Panel (MRP) submitting an Obvious Error Application to have his red card rescinded. This type of appeal against a red card isn’t that unusual.  You may remember that John Terry had a red card rescinded back in 2008 after review from the FA upon appeal from the player.

What happened in Australia, however, was that the review panel decided that Patricio Perez had dived and chose to not only rescind Reddy’s card but ban Perez two weeks for simulation.

Perez has no appeal available to him, the MRPs decision is final, and he insists that there was contact. He and the club are so adamant that there was contact that they have hired a team of lawyers and bio-mechanics experts who are ready to prove in a court of law that the player didn’t dive.

But before the club took those drastic measures they looked to FIFA for a ruling on whether video evidence could be used after the match to punish players. FIFA as is typical, saw this as an opportunity to change the rules without going through a formal rules review process and basically said “go for it.” Oh, they also said “we hate diving.”

We deem diving as a serious issue in the game and something we feel strongly about. We hope that with serious sanction it will be a deterrent. We want to stamp it out.

It is a misconduct charge for the players – our regulations allow our match review panel to right wrongs they see that happened on the pitch

The problems here are numerous. Specifically, in Australia, the ruling of the MRP is final and the player is unable to appeal the decision despite the fact that he maintains his innocence and that several experts have come forward to add weight to the player’s appeal.

Moreover, Perez has been quite distraught over being labeled a diver in what was his first match in a new country. As all Gooners can attest, no matter what happens in the appeals Perez looks set to become the poster child for the anti-diving crusade in Australia and likely the rest of the world. I can say that judging by the fact that the Daily Mail is still to this day labeling Eduardo a convicted diver (in their caption) for an offense he was cleared of by video review, by the referee in video review, and by a panel of experts. Zeus himself could come down from Mt. Olympus and declare Eduardo innocent and the Daily Mail would run a week’s worth of columns pondering whether this Zeus guy is really the father of the gods or if he isn’t just some guy who knows a few really neat card tricks.

So, FIFAs ruling raises more questions than it answers. Instead of standing up and making a rule about diving, they have passed the buck and are allowing a review panel from the Outback to create a new rule for them. In the mean-time, they are standing up against a player and his right to clear his name in an appeal process which is simply disgraceful.

But I have to wonder where they will draw the line? Will clubs be allowed to appeal every single incident that does or doesn’t result in a call from the referee? That seems to be the path they are on here in their religious zeal to “stamp out” the worst crime ever committed on a football pitch: simulation.

I also find a deep irony in the idea that FIFA is basically introducing video replay, but only after the match is over. Only after the aggrieved team has lost the trophy will they be able to appeal to the local governing body and receive “justice.”

After all, we can’t have instant replay slowing down our games any more than Gamst and Delap do toweling off their balls. No, reviewing a play when it happens would take too much time. Instead of dealing with the game in the 90 minutes, we need to have the games adjudicated over weeks as lawyers and experts in biometrics argue every detail of whether a player was fouled or not.

In the end, players will not stop diving one bit because of this rule. If Wayne Rooney finds himself in the Champions League final, tied 1-1 with Arsenal, the ball in the box and Almunia rushing to claim, he will dive just like he has done time and again. He’ll even know the consequences and dive. What’s two weeks suspension at the beginning of next season going to mean to him when he has the warm comfort of the Champions League winner’s medal?

Dive on Wayne… dive on.

The EPL’s Dirty Dozen, 2010

These are the twelve players, managers, or referees who are the dirtiest, most despicable, condemnable people in the Premier League this year, as I saw it.

#12, Tony Pulis

Tony Pulis might seem like a strange choice at first glance but hear me out on this one. This is the guy who allegedly got into a fist fight with one of his players over a Christmas party (James Beattie), who’s team is now allegedly fighting on the training  ground, and who manages a player who is a serial leg breaker (Shawcross). Moreover, his entire coaching nous can be summed up with the song “you’ll get a throw in a minute” and his post-match press conferences are basically half an hour of him moaning about everything from the other managers, to the referees, to the press, to the tea lady. As despicable as Sam Allardyce is, Tony Pulis has him in a headlock this year and that’s good enough for the 12th spot.

#11, Steven Pienaar Karl Henry

Have you ever seen this guy play? He’s only 5’3″ or so but he’s an absolute wrecking ball! In the February Merseyside Derby he probably should have been sent off three times but somehow escaped the ire of Martin Atkinson — likely because Martin was otherwise indisposed dealing with all the other argy bargy that was going on.

After several people pointed out what a despicable player Karl Henry was in our meeting with Wolves this year I decided to change Pienaar for Henry. Here’s the video evidence, decide for yourself:

1) Here is where he stamped on Theo Walcott:

2) Here’s the tackle on Rosicky which earned him a red card. Please note the stud marks on Rosicky’s leg…

Indefensible.

#10, Lorik Cana

Not quite top of the disciplinary table, nor even top of the fouls table, still, the Algerian Albanian cum Sunderland destroyer has certainly left his stud marks on the Premier League in his very first season. Interestingly, he’s only gotten 1 red card this season which was actually kind of a harsh call. His two-footed lunge on Eboue in February should have been a straight red but only got a yellow, probably because he was tackling an Arsenal man and as we all know “they don’t like it up em.”

#9, Javier Mascherano

Speaking of the Merseyside Derby, dirty doesn’t quite capture the play of “Monster Mash” in that game nor the season. In that blood and guts Merseyside Derby, Mascherano miraculously escaped a booking, despite the fact that he instigated most of the trouble. He consistently tops the lack of discipline table and has taken the number one spot this year. For that alone, he deserves a shout out and the number 9 spot on the list.

#8, Kevin Cyrill Davies

Kevin Davies, who has led the league in fouls 5 of the last 6 seasons, is back on top this year with a 21 foul lead over his nearest competitor, Tim Cahill. Congratulations Kevin, you’re number 8. Even at what he does best (fouling) he still only manages mid-table mediocrity.

#7, Steven Hunt

Every time, LITERALLY, every time he gets near a goal keeper, he’s a danger to that keeper’s life. Fortune has prevented him from killing anyone this year, but it’s not like he hasn’t tried!

#6, Wayne Rooney

Dirty diving cheat who makes seemingly xenophobic statements about how he doesn’t dive because he’s English, in spite of the long list of evidence that Wayne Rooney is, in fact, a serial diver. Let’s set aside the fact that he dived against Arsenal to win a penalty back in August, that might have been questionable. This dive against Villa, was not:


Rooney La Plongeuse – The funniest movie is here. Find it

Let’s see, Man U is losing, Rooney is frustrated, he gets near the box, he dives like Greg Louganis. Typical. The only thing atypical is that the referee gave him a yellow card. Doesn’t he know that Rooney is an England star who plays for United? No? I’m sure Fergie will have a word with him after. You know, to re-educate him.

#5, Liam Ridgewell

As much as I like to piss and moan about players like Loric Cana, Liam Ridgewell is actually a brutal tackler. Don’t believe me? Here’s just two from this year alone:

1) Takes out the referee and the player and gets none of the ball — note that he also doesn’t get called for a foul and further note that the FA takes no retroactive action against him for this horrific challenge:

2) Same thing as above but this time on Theo Walcott and at least he gets some of the ball. The thing is, this is a red card tackle even though he wins the ball because in order to win the ball he must use excessive force and take the man.


Ridgewell on Walcott, Arsenal V Birmingham, 17th Oct – Funny blooper videos are here

#4, Lee Bowyer

How, exactly, a player like Lee Bowyer has been able to keep playing after his catalog of offenses is one of the miracles of the Premier League. Bowyer has already broken one leg, this season, and I’m sure that when Arsenal come to town McLeish will have a word with him about attending to Cesc Fabregas. I would hope that the FA would have a word with the match official about attending to Lee Bowyer.

7amkickoff.com “Dear English FA, these teams will try to break more Arsenal legs before the year is out .” The only reason he’s one slot above Ridgewell is that he actually broke someone’s leg this season.

#3, Crapenburg

The worst referee in the League, hands down. I’m not saying that he’s on the take or anything, but there has to be something that explains how he watched as Adebayor intentionally stamped on Robin van Persie’s face and didn’t even call a foul. Maybe he’s just got shit for brains?

#2, Emmanuel Adebayor

Enough said.

#1, Ryan Shawcross

Remember him? The c*nt who broke Aaron’s leg with an insane tackle that has no place in professional sports? Yeah, hands down the winner this year. Moreover, Aaron’s is the second leg he’s broken in Shawcross’ despicable career.

End of.

Honorable Mention

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention some of my favorite Fleet Street lickspittles.

The 2010 award for Consistent Wrongitude goes to Tony Cascarino. I mean, this is a guy who in his latest column compared Marouane Chamakh to “a poor man’s Christiano Ronaldo.” Saying that he has “the looks” of Ronaldo and already decrying Chamakh as a player who “goes to ground too easily.” Man, wait till he gets a load of that Rooney video, he’ll surely lay into him!

The 2010 award for Jesus Christ, How Does He Get Paid To Write This Crap goes to Jaime Redknapp for his column “Jamie Redknapp’s weekend watch: Unlucky break for Arsenal but Ryan Shawcross is not to blame.” How the fuck do you use a pun in that situation and not find yourself out of work the next day? You classless asshole.

And finally, the 2010 award for Somehow Managing to Write and Get Paid Despite Not Actually Having a Brain goes to Chris Waddle! Credit where credit is due, he did grow an amazing mullet.